To whom it may concern, December 2010 edition


Dear Jehovah’s Witness people knocking at my door,

Here’s the thing. It does not make good sense to visit houses of people who obviously celebrate Christmas and tell them that they are Doing It Wrong. Especially since what you have to offer is, frankly, unappealing. I happen to like celebrating holidays. I don’t really care if Jesus wasn’t actually born in December. And you will rip my Birthday Week festivities from my cold, dead hands. I appreciate your zeal, but you should probably start at houses that aren’t decorated already. But, to be honest, I doubt you will have much luck there, either. Especially since what you offer seems to be, well, No Fun.

I can’t even wish you a happy holidays, because that would be culturally insensitive,

Dear Target,

It’s true, I don’t have receipts for these things that I received as gifts. But I do have a registry with you, so there is no need to treat me like a criminal. It would also be nice if the guy running the register would look me in the eye and speak in complete sentences. But maybe that’s too much to ask?

Thanks for the store credit,

Dear Everybody,

I keep telling you that my friends are more awesome than yours. Do you really need further proof? How about THIS?


Or maybe THIS?


That’s right, I’m gloating,

Dear Everybody Again,

Yep, I’m still pregnant! Yep, I’m ready! Yep, the baby is still cooking! Yep, I’m feeling okay! Nope, not really getting any sleep! Can we talk about something else? We might have a white Christmas! Wouldn’t that be fun? (No, I don’t really want Atticus to be born on Christmas, but if it’s a white Christmas, that would at least be a good story.)

Thanks for caring about me even though I am cranky and ungrateful,

Dear Atticus,



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