To whom it may concern.

Stuntman Mike's Box

(This picture reminded me of some old-school Derek Webb, but instead of running across a box of letters, it’s a box of music. Just go with it, okay?)

We haven’t done this in a while!

Dear Man on the Next Elliptical,

You are coughing or snorting kind of a lot. It is very distracting. And also weird. I keep trying not to look at you, but I can’t help it. Do you know you are making that noise? Can you help it? Can you please make it stop?

Do you need a tissue? I really want to help.

Dear Book I am Reading While on the Elliptical,

I was enjoying you quite a lot, but the part where you decided that the mind actually has no control over the body was kind of uninspiring to someone who is exercising. Yes, I know that a real athlete would run outside on such a nice day. What made you think that I was anything resembling a real athlete?

I did, however, run 3.1 miles in exactly 30 minutes today.
-Kari (that’s a new record for me)

PS – Do I actually have to go back to running outside? I am so spoiled.

Dear Woman at Starbucks,

Why are you so annoying? No, seriously, what with the, “I don’t have a TV OR cable,” and, “I work for social services,” and your super complicated drink order. I think even the guy you were with was annoyed by you. So of course everyone around you WHO COULD HEAR EVERY WORD BECAUSE YOU WERE TALKING REALLY LOUDLY ABOUT HOW AWESOME YOU ARE was also annoyed.

Just . . . stop it.

Dear Food Lion,

If I have to shop at 5:00, which I do not enjoy, I have to say that it is nice to shop with you. Your employees always greet me and answer my questions. Last week I went to that OTHER grocery store and wandered for several minutes before I found anyone to help me. So thanks for all the help. You rock.

Also your prices are lower. I especially enjoy the cheap bottles of wine.

Not a wino,

Dear Girl Scout Cookies, Bejeweled, and Hershey Kisses with Caramel,

Listen, I need you to stop. Mike is unable to control himself around you. Cookies, you need to stop being so tempting. Bejeweled, you need to stop being so mind-numbing. And Hershey Kisses, you are essentially crack. Leave my husband alone, sweet things and Bejeweled. I beg you.

My personal form of crack is chips and salsa,

Dear Olympics,

Please stop making me cry with inspiring stories. Whenever other people start crying, I also cry. It’s getting embarrassing. In related news, could you speak to NBC about how it doesn’t really WORK for me to stay up until MIDNIGHT to find the results of figure skating? Olympics, I love you, but I am not as young as I used to be.

Is this why I actually enjoyed the ice dancing? I always thought it was boring before but now I am OLD.

Dear Curling,

You continue to be awesome. Please never change. Unless you add flaming brooms.

Also, please ask the Norwegian curlers to never change their pants.

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