To whom it may concern, Summer 2008 edition.

Dear House,

Hi! It’s been nice to get to know you the past few weeks. I hope you are happy with everything we have been doing. We’ve been trying to update your look. I think the makeover shows always use phrases like “update your look.” You will find out soon enough that I don’t really know anything about updating any look. But I hope you like your new cabinets and your new tile floor.

Here’s what I don’t understand, House. We’ve been doing all these nice things for you. So why have you made my brown belt disappear? Where is my brown belt? I know I had it when we moved in. But I can’t find it anywhere. Where have you hidden it? And when are you going to return it?

We can be friends, or we can be enemies. But either way, I want my belt.

I will retaliate if necessary,

Dear Jewelry Store That Must Not Be Named,

Do you know how many times we have been to you, jewelry store? To pick up my engagement ring that broke back in May? Five. Five times. Do I have my ring yet, jewelry store? I do not. You told me today that my ring should be in on Monday. Jewelry store, if my ring is not in on Monday, I may lose my mind and start screaming in front of all the pretty sparkly things. I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to upset the pretty sparkly things. I just want my ring back, jewelry store. And I want it to look like it did when Mike gave it to me. Almost ten years ago. Is that so much to ask?

Ten years? That makes me feel kind of old,

Dear Family Members Who Have Fed Us and Done Our Laundry This Week,

Thank you. You saved our lives. And saved us from having to eat out again. And from having smelly clothes.

Want to help us unpack the kitchen . . . why are you walking away?

Dear Big Bunny,

I know you have been in your cage for weeks and weeks now. I know. But we didn’t have a safe place in the house for you to jump around. And we’re sorry about the noise. It’s been noisy. You are a total trooper. We are going to let you jump around for a solid week to make up for it. (We know you will not actually jump around. You will probably sit in front of the TV and watch the swimming. Admit it.)

Also, we thought you would like that cabbage. Sorry it gave you so much gas.

You were kind of stinky,

PS: Have you seen my brown belt?

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