To whom it may concern.

Dear young, impressionable future teacher number one,

I did, in fact, bring my dinner to class. This is a three hour class. It goes from 4:00-7:00. I know I am going to get hungry, so, guess what? I plan ahead. There is no need for you to make snide remarks about me bringing dinner or me eating in front of you, because, guess what? You could act like a responsible adult and plan ahead as well. No, really. Though the concept is a difficult one, you, too, could pack yourself a meal to eat later. It’s pretty fun. I enjoy having regular meals. You should try it sometime. It seems like your blood sugar is a little low.

Leftover Christmas lasagna is better than whatever you would be eating anyway,

Dear young, impressionable future teacher number two,

For you to say, “Can I look at your engagement ring?” and then say, “That’s really interesting,” is, in fact, rude. For one thing, I’m sure you aren’t aware of this, but your dismissive tone made me think that you didn’t find my ring’s setting interesting at all. For another thing, since you weren’t wearing a ring of your own, I’m sure you don’t understand this, but . . . you really shouldn’t insult a woman’s engagement ring. It’s probably one of her favorite pieces of jewelry. In short, Mike bought that ring for me, and if you insult it, I will give you a roundhouse kick to the face.

I, for one, find the platinum color of your hair and your caked-on makeup rather “interesting,”

Dear actual instructor of this class,

I do get what you were trying to do here, teaching us about how hard it is to “come from behind” in “the game of life,” but I have to be honest. If I am going to play Monopoly for two hours, I would rather do it at home. In my pajamas. I would also rather not be paying tuition for it.

Thanks for bringing your dinner, though, and shutting young, impressionable future teacher number one right up,

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