Like butter that has been scraped over too much bread.

Mike has suggested that we designate a shelf for my “books to read” rather than having a pile beside the bed. I must admit, the pile beside the bed has gotten ridiculous lately. And that’s not counting the written list I have of books I would theoretically like to read (which I seem to add to more than I take away from). (That’s not to say I don’t make progress on it, because I do.)

For the most part, lately, our house has been clean and our yard has been looking much better. Usually those are signs that life is a bit out of control. But lately I have been wondering if my book pile is one of those signs that I’m trying to do too much. Or maybe that metaphor doesn’t work. Maybe I’m just trying to read too much.

I told a couple of people yesterday that I felt like butter that has been scraped over too much bread. Thank you, Bilbo, for that particular description. There’s no magical Ring making me feel that way, though. Just a general sense that I get from time to time that I can’t connect with everyone I’d like to connect with. I get jealous of Mike’s summers off, my friends who can take multiple weeks of vacation. A general sense of longing. This comes, I think, from thinking about THE FUTURE too much. That’s how I see it in my head: THE FUTURE. Big letters. Ominous. This has been a fun stage of our lives, with Mike in school, but Mike is going to graduate in less than a year, and what are we going to do after that? Where will he work? What will our lives look like?

It all makes me feel kind of listless, like I’m not accomplishing anything. My friendships seem to have lagged, my book pile grows. I stare at the ceiling fan at 3:00 in the morning. The past few weeks I have actually wondered if I will ever find a new book to enjoy (I have read a string of duds for sure).

I’m doing the things you do to fight off listlessness – making a playlist, eating ice cream, going running, reading an excellent novel. And I’ll keep trying to fight off Mike’s new love of Bjork. I really don’t want to turn into a Bjork fan. I still haven’t gotten over that swan dress.

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