I was alone, I took a ride, I didn’t know what I would find there

Most of my friends would agree that I am a pretty verbal processor. That’s one of the reasons I blog – it helps me think things through. What you get here are not always my fully-formed thoughts, but what I am thinking at the time. You get the process. Of course, it would be wrong to say that you ever get my most fully-formed thoughts, because I don’t think you can get those this side of eternity. I’m always reevaluating. I know that in the past people have expressed concern because I seemed somewhat down or depressed at various times, but in general I’m fine. Sometimes it’s easier to write the very good or the very bad about yourself because it gives you an angle to work with.

Right now I am struggling a bit with a few things that would be inappropriate to talk about here. In the past, in order to get my thoughts on, er, screen, while still respecting other people’s privacy, I’ve done what Madeleine L’Engle advises, which is to create a situation that would engender the same sorts of feelings without using the exact details. When you’re caught up in something, which is how I feel now, that can be kind of hard to do. I have said before that things get slow around here when I’m not reading much and when I am not able to talk about the things I am really thinking about for whatever reason. And that’s how I’ve felt lately.

In addition, from time to time I still struggle with not wanting to burden my friends. I suppose most people who process verbally feel this way – it takes time for us to be able to work through what we are thinking, and we often end up talking in circles until we get a handle on things. Some of the things I am processing right now are issues I’ve been dealing with for a while, and it’s hard to believe my friends that they don’t mind talking about the same things we’ve been talking about for weeks/months/years. I know I wouldn’t mind if I were in their shoes, but it’s still hard not to imagine them counting the minutes as I ramble on. And I get kind of stuck when I’m not talking things through one way or another.

One of the thing that helps is just to be outside. To take my journal to the park. To take a walk. To eat lunch at the picnic tables at work. So this morning instead of lying around and feeling sorry for myself, I got up and took my iPod on a walk around the neighborhood. I listened to some of the artists that have been recommended in the Great Band Search of 2005 (go make some recommendations if you haven’t already). I talked to the various dogs who approached me, asking them to go away and not gnaw my leg off. (I’m a little bit afraid of dogs.) I watched moms getting their kids out the door to go to school. I thought about these hard things and I enjoyed the coolness of the morning. I still don’t know what I’m going to do about some of the things that have been happening, but it was nice to watch these slices of other people’s lives unfold, to remember that none of these things are the end of the world. To get some perspective. “How is taking a walk like blogging? If you only look down, at yourself, you’re going to miss a lot of really beautiful things.”

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