Now there’s a man that I could get behind

“And when Jesus raises up the dead and gives sight to the blind
You say now there’s a man that I could get behind.” –Waterdeep

Lately, when someone has asked me how I am doing (the implication here being spiritually), my answer has been something along the lines of feeling fairly unloved by God, both because of things that have happened in the past and things that are currently happening. The Bible says one thing, and my circumstances seem to say another. I know we should believe the Bible over our feelings or what’s happening in our lives, but that’s harder right now than it ever has been before. I have never been one to see God as a harsh dictator up in the sky, but that’s where I suddenly find myself.

Last night in Bible study we were reading John 5, where Jesus talks about his relationship to the Father. I realized that I really like Jesus. It’s just God that I have a problem with. Even though it says that Jesus only does what he sees his Father doing, I imagine Jesus sneaking around doing nice things like healing people, while God doesn’t really know about that. So when one of the questions asked us how we saw the relationship between Jesus and God, I said that I see it as “good cop/bad cop.”

In some ways, I feel that the predicament in which I find myself is my punishment for years of telling people to “just trust” and not really understanding the nuances of their struggles. Looking back, I can see how I was pretty insensitive, and I regret that. I wish I could go back and be more sympathetic and less . . . hard nosed.

Anyway, it’s clear that what I need is to learn how to align God and Jesus more closely in my mind, as well as coming to terms with what I see to be happening in my life vs. what I see to be true in the Bible. Those are huge paradigm shifts, because it’s not as if I just woke up this morning and decided that I would believe that God is mean and has no interest in me. There are a thousand little (some not so little, now that I think about it) things that have happened that brought me to this point.

I don’t have an answer for this, exactly. I have some ideas as suggested by my pastor. One of them includes some journaling about a few different things, and as this is the only journal I am currently keeping, I might try to flesh some of those thoughts out here.

So that this entry isn’t a complete downer, I want to include a funny take on the relationship between God and Jesus that Mike and I both enjoyed. It’s from the most recent of Sarah Bunting‘s Girls’ Bike Club series of essays.

Wing Chun: I love Jesus.

Sarah: This I know. For the GBC tells me so.

Wing Chun: Okay. He’s in.

Sarah: That’s what I’m talking about.

Wing Chun: But doesn’t Jesus have better things to do?

Sarah: You’d think so. Then you’d look at the election results.

Wing Chun: That’s kind of what I mean. He seems pretty busy hating gays these days.

Sarah: Oh, we can’t blame Jesus for that. I bet he’s under the bed totally mortified that people are using his name to pull this s*** down here. “I died for this? Gah!”

Wing Chun: And God is tapping at his bedroom door all, “Jesus? Honey? Are you okay in there? I heated up some Bagel Bites, do you want some?”

Sarah: “They’re pepperoni, your favorite. – Jesus?”

Wing Chun: Aw. Our God is a snacky God.

Sarah: That’s what I choose to believe.

Wing Chun: I wish he’d make me some Bagel Bites.

I don’t see God or Jesus like that, I’m not endorsing those political views, blah blah blah disclaimer cakes, but, hysterical nonetheless. I laughed until I cried when I read it. “Our God is a snacky God” is my new motto for life.

I have been told that this post needs another disclaimer, and as much as I dislike disclaimers, I would rather avoid confusion. I know that Jesus is also God, so generally when I refer to “God,” I mean, “God the Father.” So take your finger off that send button. I don’t need any nasty emails. hehe.

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