And so I’m having a wonderful time but I’d rather be whistling in the dark

There is only one thing that I know how to do well
And I’ve often been told that you only can do
What you know how to do well
And that’s be you
Be what you’re like
Be like yourself –They Might Be Giants

Last Friday, Trey and I had a little discussion about my love for They Might Be Giants. I thought this affection was common knowledge, but it is apparently not. I have been a [fairly casual] fan of theirs for a while. My cousin introduced me to their stuff back when Flood was a new album. I love Flood. It’s still the only album of theirs I own, but I have borrowed other albums from time to time and enjoyed them. (Mike is not really a fan – he thinks that TMBG sound like they might one day grow up to be the Barenaked Ladies. He would prefer I listened to the “adult” TMBG. hehehe.) Anyway, because of that discussion, I listened to Flood (an album that’s always in my car) on my way to the beach. Since then, I’ve been thinking about the above lyrics quite a lot. I do not think I am very good at being myself. As tough as I have been known to talk, I have a tendency to back down to make other people happy, so they will like me. Mike and I were discussing this yesterday – I have to be pretty secure with my companions for me to hold firm to an opinion that might affect others (ie the time for a meeting or which restaurant I would prefer). This is a pretty common girl thing – be a people pleaser, make others like you, be submissive! I am clearly a very opinionated person, but I do tend to back down if my preferences will “inconvenience” someone. I’m not talking so much here about deeply-held beliefs . . . just that I have been known to inconvenience myself or change my plans instead of telling someone that I just couldn’t meet during that time. It’s as if I am afraid – that I believe – my plans aren’t as important as theirs. I want to learn how to be able to say, “I can’t meet at that time, because my plans are important, too,” or to be free to laugh at things I think are funny instead of first checking what everyone else’s response is. I want to not hide the cover of the trashy novel I’m reading. I want to not worry so much about what I’m wearing and if it meets everyone’s approval. I want to be less self-conscious and more free. I am not sure where I am trying to fit in, but I want to stop. Like everything else I want to change about myself, it’s hard to know where to begin with that, though.

Today has been a wild-and-crazy day at the library. First there were thunderstorms all night, which I mostly slept through, but which still gave everyone a slightly groggy feeling this morning. Those thunderstorms knocked out the library’s internet during the night, though, which was awkward. And on top of that, we are trying out a new system for our public internet stations and it’s been buggy. Luckily, wild-and-crazy at the library is still pretty mild compared to some places. hehe.

No Trackbacks