Blessing and Community

Last night at small group we were looking at the Beatitudes. The rest of the group was discussing different things that challenge or encourage them, but I was just sitting there. Unfortunately, our group is too small for me to be able to get away with that, and I got asked what I thought.

I look at the Beatitudes and I feel completely at a loss. There are things that have happened to me where I have mourned, and I tried to take it to God the best that I knew how. And I didn’t (and don’t) feel comforted. I have tried to be a peacemaker and to show mercy, and I don’t feel like a daughter of God. I know that these rewards are not always (or even usually) seen here on earth, nor are God’s promises dependent on my feelings, but I wonder sometimes if these verses are for me at all. I’m not exactly being persecuted for my faith. I am not a prophet. No one is “falsely saying all kinds of evil things against me” because of my belief in God. I’m just a very small person having a hard time.

It’s not that I don’t believe the Bible is truth. I do believe it is truth. Imagining that it’s not truth is really scary. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t believe the Bible. It just doesn’t seem to be working right now. I don’t think that that will always be the case, but I am not sure how to get to the point of trusting again.

I think a lot of my fear comes from the fact that I seem to believe that God is always wanting to Teach Me A Lesson. I think I believe that the comforting and the mercy are shown after I Learn My Lesson. I certainly live like I believe that. How can I get to the point of trusting a God who only wants to Teach Me A Lesson?

I shared all these things last night, and my friends were great. They got me tissues and asked good questions and prayed for me. They didn’t give quick and easy answers. They shared some of their own brokenness with me. I think that’s about as much as any of us could ask for, and I am thankful for that.

I don’t feel that I am in a crisis of faith or anything like that. I just feel kind of stuck as far as being able to take the needed steps to get out of this valley. I suppose I think I need to Learn A Lesson; maybe I just need to learn some truth to correct my skewed perspective.

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  1. […] of pain and that only God can help, but I am very afraid that in order to do so he has to Teach Me a Lesson. And I’m pretty sure that will hurt. Somew […]