you wake at 2 a.m. thinking failure,
fool, unable to sleep, unable to sleep -Alicia Suskin Ostriker
My friend Brandi just wrote a terrific post about finding a holy moment in the midst of a rough day. It reminded me of what so many people say about new motherhood, that it is one of those thin places in life where we bump right up against the divine. I wrote about that myself last year.
I am still feeling stretched thin in the worst of ways. Atticus is now sleeping through the night, but a year of waking up at 4:00 am means that I am programmed to wake up then whether he is awake or not. No matter what I do, I can’t seem to get more than six hours of sleep a night. There is a particular despair that surfaces when you wake before the baby. There is another despair that surfaces when the baby stays with your mom and you still can’t get more than seven hours of sleep. I dread going to bed.
I know it is boring to constantly talk about sleep, but the thing that most makes me feel like butter scraped over too much bread is not being able to sleep. Perhaps it should be one of those thin places that brings me closer to the holy things of life, but I don’t know how anyone can be an insomniac and reach for those holy things.
When we saw Lauren Winner on Saturday, she spoke a bit on the differences between Judaism and Christianity, and one of the things she spoke about was how Judaism is centered on practice (I quoted her on this idea many years ago here). She said that she had thought that, as a Christian, putting certain practices in place would help her when her faith wasn’t enough, when times came to her life like what she describes in Still. But the truth is that those practices failed her, too.
It was a relief to hear her say that even though she had made a habit of her faith practices, even though she thought those habits would sustain her, that it did not. I thought it was just me.
Our pastor calls Lent the “spring cleaning of the soul.” There are a few bad habits I am trying to let go of and a few good ones that I am trying to take up. I am also trying to address my physical well-being so that I can get out of the habit of being awake in the middle of the night. I have started to feel like addressing bad habits isn’t quite enough. My soul needs a spring cleaning overhaul.
But first I could use a nap.
Preferably without wearing a jacket.
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4 Comments
You are not alone in thinking that sleep is so important. I can’t function well without my 8 (or more) hours daily, and although I don’t always get it, I do get enough sleep more regularly than I did when I had a little one (not to mention having the teenagers that I had at the same time!) I sometimes have to take a 20-minute or so nap when I get home from school just to make it through the evening. So take that nap when you can and do whatever else you can to take care of yourself and then just keep pushing through this time and the day will come when you will not feel so tired all the time. I can’t promise it will be soon, but I hope that it is. It is so helpful to have people like Lauren Winner to tell us that we are not alone in our struggles. I’m glad you got to hear her this weekend.
so glad you felt encouraged by what she said. you are definitely not the only one. i know it’s so difficult to make it work when you don’t have what you need. i love your phrase “stretched thin in the worst of ways”…i think too many can relate.
I hope Lent is a fruitful season for you. Maybe wearing your coat would help with the sleeping.
My son was born prematurely. He was sensitive and easily overstimulated and didn’t sleep more than 2-3 consecutive hours until he was about 7 months old. About the time he finally started sleeping through the night, I became pregnant with his sister. She was an early teether, cutting her first tooth at 4 months. By the time she was a year old, she had 12 teeth! She was constantly teething, always uncomfortable, and was susceptible to ear infections and strep. My husband was frequently gone, traveling for work and I was dealing with it all on my own. To add one more thing to the equation, I had to deal with his alarm, which went off at 4:30 a.m. every morning. Honestly, as much as I loved my children and loved being home with them, I was pushed to the absolute edge of my endurance and mental health during those years because of constant sleep deprivation. Like you, I reached the point where I was so overtired and depleted, I could no longer fall into a deep sleep. I would often spend those dark hours of insomnia in prayer, but sometimes I spent them in tears. I hope you get rest, in body and soul, soon.