Many years ago now, when I was invited to speak at a church gathering, my host said, “Tell us what is saving your life now.” It was such a good question that I have made a practice of asking others to answer it even as I continue to answer it myself. Salvation is so much more than many of its proponents would have us believe. In the Bible human beings experience God’s salvation when peace ends war, when food follows famine, when health supplants sickness and freedom trumps oppression. Salvation is a word for the divine spaciousness that comes to human beings in all the tight places where their lives are at risk, regardless of how they got there or whether they know God’s name. Sometimes it comes as an extended human hand and sometimes as a bolt from the blue, but either way it opens a door in what looked for all the world like a wall. This is the way of life, and God alone knows how it works . . . Few of us can choose our circumstances, but we can choose how we respond to them. To be saved is not only to recognize an alternative to the deadliness pressing down upon us but also to be able to act upon it. -Barbara Brown Taylor, Leaving Church
I have aspirations to post here on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, but it has become clear to me that I need something to structure my thoughts for at least one of those days. After a few weeks of trying to think of something, I caught a glimpse of Leaving Church on my bedside table (I finished it weeks ago, don’t judge me for not putting it away) and realized that the above quote, from the end of the book, was perfect. In an effort to see how God is showing up in what is happening to me, Fridays are going to be about what is saving my life right now.
I was recently talking with a friend of mine about how difficult the past few weeks have been and how much I need a break from Atticus’s constant sickness (which leads to him being very needy) so that I can continue to like him. Rather than telling me that I am a bad mom, she affirmed my ability to express how I am feeling, said that asking for what I need makes me a better mom. And she offered me a glass of wine.
I am not good at being good, staying positive when things are hard. And I am not good at keeping those “bad” thoughts inside. My friends who listen to my bad thoughts without calling me bad are saving my life.
What is saving your life this week?
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3 Comments
I think that when we are real and honest, we give others permission to be the same. I’m glad you can share “bad” thoughts, because we all need to give ourselves room to be real people.
i relate so much to you Kari,even though i’ve never met you, which is one of the reasons i have stuck around and continued to read your blog for the last 4 years when i have stopped reading so many others. i mentioned the last time i commented how tough the last year or so has been on me, and right now despite the struggles i’ve had being a mom, my daughter has been saving my life because it is because of her that i got up each day and didn’t let my depression from my mom passing take over completely. and my husband. and my sister. my husband and sister are the only 2 people who truly know how much i have struggled the past year and how challenging it has been for me to change my outlook. i’ve been presented with yet more challenges in the last week and it is not easy. sometimes i wish i could turn my brain off.
I think I mentioned to you a bit ago that I have been feeling really down the last few months… I am sure there are a number of things contributing to it… working full time, parenting a 14 month old, taking two classes so I can keep my job, still adjusting to life and loneliness in a somewhat new town and carrying another baby that is due in May… oh yeah, AND trying to find time to actually enjoy life with my spouse rather than just co-exist. On top that this year has been so crazy with lots of extended family changes… my parents getting divorced after 39 years of marriage and all the insanity that divorce this late in life brings with it.
So anyways, the last fews weeks/month I have been feeling down, really down and so very lonely. It has been one of the first times in my life that I felt I couldn’t just “snap out of it” quickly. Over the last few weeks though what has been saving me is listening to the journey of other people’s pain… and I’m talking real pain. In the past three months two of my friends have had brain surgery. One of is doing quite well and the surgery was successful. The other’s prognosis is not good… she is 32 years old, a mother of three who is in her 2nd trimester of pregnancy, and though they removed her brain tumor 2 weeks ago she has been diagnosed with a progressive and terminal malignant brain tumor. It has been like a punch to the stomach. Life is so raw, so real.
I’m not usually one to measure out who is going through the “worse” situation but thinking about other people’s lives has helped me to gain some perspective in my daily life. So even when I’m feel down (because I still am – often daily), all I can say in the midst of it is, “life is beautiful”. Even in the crap, depression of my day… “life is so beautiful”. That has been my mantra for about the last 6 months and is something I often say to myself when I’m feeling down. This has been what’s saving me these days.