I posted that poem yesterday because I need to hear that more than anyone. Growing up, I remember seeing very clearly that there was an inner circle – at school, at church, in my community – and that I was not part of it. I even, from time to time, feel that way in my relationship with God. Sometimes that’s okay, sometimes I can say, “Life doesn’t make sense, but I believe God walks with us through it all.” But sometimes that does not seem to be enough. I know that, compared to how the world lives, I am very much not a second class citizen. At the same time, it is hard not to feel as if life’s challenges aren’t doled out quite equally, and I wonder if, somehow, God sees me as second class.
It helps, though, to consider how lovingly I was made, the way I was knit together and how my experiences and understandings have shaped me. It helps to be in relationship with others, to stand up for what I believe in. It helps to consider others’ perspectives, to remember that other people are human beings and not objects of frustration and bitterness and jealousy. It helps, but it doesn’t always take away the sting, the questions. I have a fear of abandonment, and, though I have mostly grown out of it, I still fear being abandoned by God.
There was a time in my life when I thought that we would always see the pattern, that life would make sense, and that we would always see how suffering can be redemptive. Don’t get me wrong – I do think that, from time to time, we are given those answers. But I have learned to accept that, much more often, we are not. Lately, I confess that I have lost sight of any sort of pattern. These days, life is leaving me with more questions than answers.
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6 Comments
i think it takes great courage to be willing to ask the questions, and know that even if the answers are hard to hear, and sometimes not even given, that you were willing to ask. to struggle with Him, rather than resist Him. great poem to post, btw.
I quit looking for the pattern, as well. And I’m not sure there is a pattern in the way I was expecting it to be… I used to think God worked in our lives and in the world like He was creating a tapestry, and though to us all we could see were the threads and mess of the backside, one day we would see the finished product and understand how He put all the threads there for a purpose, for beauty.
Now I think it’s more like a patchwork quilt… He takes the tattered pieces of our lives, the pain, sin and death, and pieces them together to make beauty. And so the end result will be beautiful–He will work all to good, everything will be made right and good in the end. But it doesn’t necessarily have to ever make sense.
Anyway, all that to say that I’m with you
Hi, I found your blog today and I’ve been reading with great interest your book list and some reviews from 2007. I appreciate the honesty in your blog
Thanks, Sheila! I have gotten really behind on book reviews this year.
Kari,
I found your blog through my cousin Meredith’s and just want to thank you for it. You say things that I have felt and never given words to, like the whole outside-of-the-circle thing.
Monique
Thanks, Monique!