I posted that poem yesterday because I need to hear that more than anyone. Growing up, I remember seeing very clearly that there was an inner circle – at school, at church, in my community – and that I was not part of it. I even, from time to time, feel that way in my relationship with God. Sometimes that’s okay, sometimes I can say, “Life doesn’t make sense, but I believe God walks with us through it all.” But sometimes that does not seem to be enough. I know that, compared to how the world lives, I am very much not a second class citizen. At the same time, it is hard not to feel as if life’s challenges aren’t doled out quite equally, and I wonder if, somehow, God sees me as second class.
It helps, though, to consider how lovingly I was made, the way I was knit together and how my experiences and understandings have shaped me. It helps to be in relationship with others, to stand up for what I believe in. It helps to consider others’ perspectives, to remember that other people are human beings and not objects of frustration and bitterness and jealousy. It helps, but it doesn’t always take away the sting, the questions. I have a fear of abandonment, and, though I have mostly grown out of it, I still fear being abandoned by God.
There was a time in my life when I thought that we would always see the pattern, that life would make sense, and that we would always see how suffering can be redemptive. Don’t get me wrong – I do think that, from time to time, we are given those answers. But I have learned to accept that, much more often, we are not. Lately, I confess that I have lost sight of any sort of pattern. These days, life is leaving me with more questions than answers.