I would not say that I am the most positive person in the world. If you know me, I am going to bet that you would agree. I tend to take a more negative view of things. (Some might call it negative, but I like to call it “realistic” or “practical.” That’s my positive spin. Look how positive I am.) I try to be a pretty upbeat person, though, during the day and with people I am not as close to. Sometimes this means that I take out too much negativity on Mike when I come home. I apologized to my mom today for that very thing . . . I don’t mean to take out my frustrations on those I love. I just have to have someone to talk to, to get my thoughts out, to feel understood. I am still learning about balance. I am also still learning to watch my tongue.
I am such a people pleaser that it’s hard for me to be around negativity. I know, how does that make any sense? I am not a positive person, but constant negativity in others makes me feel like I am drowning, like I have no escape. I want to find a solution, to prove that things aren’t as bad as the other person says. My insides cower in fear of being lashed at or mocked. I never feel on a sure footing. There are some people in my life who have made me feel that way for a long time, people who have consistently brought out the worst responses in me.
That’s how I have felt lately, for a myriad of reasons. Not wise enough to know which battles to fight, and too afraid, anyway, to speak my mind. I suppose there is always tomorrow to try to figure it out.