Sometimes friendships fade away naturally – you move, or she moves, and maybe she gets engaged and has a job and is still working on finishing her degree, and she’s a few years younger than you are anyway, so you just naturally drift apart. You’ll still go to her wedding, and maybe even a shower if you get invited, and when you see her, you’ll talk and catch up. It won’t be the same, but it won’t be bad.
Sometimes, though, friendships die in a moment. The eighth or ninth unreturned phone call or email. The time she forgot your birthday. A betrayal. Something that makes you realize, “I just can’t do this anymore. It’s not worth the effort, and it’s never going to be what I had hoped.”
I realized today that that happened to me twice this summer. The first was with a friendship that had been floundering anyway. There were unreturned phone calls galore, but what I have realized about unreturned phone calls is that I never figure out the friendship has died until later. I don’t sit around thinking, “After five tries, I am going to give up on this friendship.” It’s after the fact that I realize, “That one time when I called and I had a gift I was trying to get to her and she never called me back, that’s when I emotionally gave up.” But it wasn’t even the unreturned phone calls that did me in this time. It was being somewhere where she gave everyone these fun pictures of things they had done together . . . except for me. I sat there, watching everyone else look at those pictures laugh and cry and reminisce while having none of my own, and something inside of me died. Even with that blatantly obvious rejection, I didn’t realize I had quit hoping for more until today, when Mike and I were planning a dinner party and I didn’t include her on the guest list. It would have been a given to include her a year ago, even six months ago. But today I realized that, unless things change with her, I’m not expecting the close friendship that I once hoped that we would have. And it’s because of the way I felt in that one moment. I didn’t know it at the time, but I can see how, in that moment, everything inside me shifted.
The other incident this summer was when a friend of mine forgot my birthday. I know that forgetting a birthday isn’t that huge of a deal in the grand scheme of things, but it was another situation where it was forgetting my birthday on top of several months of neglect. A month after my birthday, I emailed her for her birthday, but I still haven’t heard back. I thought of my email as a last-ditch effort, but looking back, I knew it was over when I didn’t hear from her on (or around) my birthday. She’s the kind of person who is good about birthdays, so it signals more than just forgetting. It signals that I’m not a priority anymore. And . . . I got the message.
In some ways, it feels like it’s easier to realize that you’ve given up and accepted how things are, or how they are never going to be. The first friend I mentioned – I am sure I will get an email from her now and then, and I’ll respond, and then I won’t hear from her for months. Lather, rinse, repeat. The second one – I doubt we’ll be in touch much after this. Facing up to those facts is easier than deluding myself.
It’s not that it doesn’t hurt, because . . . it definitely does. But it’s better than lying to myself, and investing myself in people who don’t really care if I’m around. In a strange way, it kind of feels like a victory – I am not going to do that to myself anymore.
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Why is it as though I feel like Im reading about me these past couple of entrys Kari? Its really quite creepy, but in a good way.
This has been one of the huge issues I’ve gone through recently, but never got to posting about it. Maybe I’ll bump it up on my list of things to write about.
I don’t know, Alisa, but like Kathleen said, it’s good to realize other people feel the same way you do.
big hug to Kari.
Karen! Where have you been? I missed you.
karen’s pregnant. THAT’S where she’s been
Pregnant people can’t use the internet?
Yay for every little victory! :yes:
not when they spend 99% of their time with their friend ralph.
Brian is right…..I’m afriad I’ve been hugging the toilet quite a bit lately. Still reading blogs when Nathan isn’t screaming for me to come play but that’s all I usually have time for…don’t comment that often. I’ve been here all along, but thanks for missing me!
The final nail in the coffin … when my once best friend of 11 years called me the week of her wedding and asked me to be the GUEST BOOK ATTENDANT — and then joked about the Sex & The City episode where Miranda got the crappy guest book attendant job and hated it.
wow.. reading this article I can see i feel the same way… I known my best friend for 6 years and we been together all the time.. If we were not hanging out then we were on the phone… we could talk about anything, all the fun, crazy memories we had together and we could go on and on about this and never get bored. I thought our friendship would never end.. But then came a “guy” in her life.. Which is funny because I hooked them two up.. she told me that no matter what happens between them I will still be a part of her life and it will be the same.. well it did not happen that way. I called her she ignored my calls, she tottaly changed she was a different person…she was always with this guy and never bother to call anymore.. and I did not mind because I knew she liked him a lot.. the only time she called me was when they had problems.. I was always there for her.. and then she just stopped calling me.. I left her message nothing. I called her two days ago we talked for awhile but it wasnt like before.. everything changed.. I told her before this was bothering me and she said that she will work on it.. but nope.. I miss my old friend a lot.. but I realize something.. I am not going to keep calling her, because she has my # she knows where I live… and I shouldnt only be calling her.. if she really cared about me, she would call too.. But sometimes in life people change, some for the good some for the bad.. She might realize what she have done, but it might be too late.. i gaved her so many chances but now I dont know anymore.. I lost my best friend.. boyfriends come and go but friends are going to be there no matter what… just some people dont realize that.. It hurts a lot but I need to move on…
just wanted to share my story…
Wow…
Interesting reading. And sometimes it doesn’t get any better when they get older. My daughter, just barely ten, had a girl at school named Jordan. Her mother had remarried and had a 4 year old and 2 year old. Jordan wanted to start doing somethings and joined some of the groups my daughter was in. BUT… it was always me taking her to them, baking the cakes for them, driving her all over town way out of the way, helping at a birthday party for her 2 year old that we don’t even really know while her own relatives just sat there, etc. All because her Mother was “stressed” with the “babies”. At first I didn’t mind, but then I started hearing that Jordan was only nice to my daughter when her other “friends” were mad at her. Then I started noticing that Jordan was ONLY really nice to my daughter when it was just the 2 of them. If there were more children, then my daughther would come home saying that Jordan was acting like she was mad at her and she didn’t understand why. I was already considering this to be a very unhealthy relationship for my daughter to be in… counselling her that if you walk away from being with a friend and it feels bad or confusing… then they aren’t really your friend.
Then, my daughter’s big day comes up… a competitive talent show that she had worked on for over half a year and was competing in three events. My daughter was so excited and wanted her friends to come and watch her. A couple of nights before the show, Jordan’s mother calls me and tells me that Jordan was invited camping and she was going. When I mentioned again it was my girl’s big day, she said.. Oh… well, maybe I’ll try to get Jordan there but you know… that is right at naptime.
You guessed it… they never came. And never called before to wish her good luck… nor days later had they called to see how she had done. I was so hurt, I sent a very nice letter telling them how much my daughter had cried. Their response…. the mother left a very NASTY Nasty phone message… like somehow I was in the wrong. Obviouly not a good friend or even a good person. At least we know where Jordan got her disconnected behavior.
But on the other hand… One of my other daughter’s friends.. a friend whose mother is going through chemo, not only came to the show, her sister did as well! And since the mother could not come because of her illness, she bought my daughter a nice present and told her how much she loved her and wished her well. Then when my daughter won champion status in all of her events, this mother called again and told me that “By gosh… I’m going to be well enough by the time they go to State, that we’ll be there too.”
NOW GUESS WHICH PEOPLE WE ARE KEEPING FOR FRIENDS!
Remember… if on a regular basis you walk away from you time with friends or significant others feeling sad, confused, put down, or not appreciated, then they are not really the people for you to be around…. and you should look around for new friends.
I am currently in the middle of a fight with someone who I have been very close with for 8 years…I have always lent my ear to her… the last 5 1/2 years I have been in two serious relationships…which of course changed everything…sort of…see, she has always been in a very demanding relationship…I have always been limited in the time we spent together…I knew this and accepted this of her situation…and I never once became demanding for her attention…I had hoped that she would be able to recipricate that same understanding…I admit I have been guilty of not returning calls..especially when it’s past three calls…and making promises to come and visit and never making the effort to commit to a date…honestly…I had withdrawn from most of my friends…all of them except this friend voiced their concern, but accepted the fact that when I was ready to reconnect they would be there…I can’t tell you how easy it is for me now to call them up and make plans to see them now that I have emerged from that dark time…every day I think of this friend and all the horrible messages she has left me since our fight…we had a blow up on the phone and I asked her to change the topic till I was ready to discuss it with her…she ignored me and continued to rip into me…I felt cornered and attacked. When being confronted with such anger I no longer can think clearly…all I become aware of is an overwhelming rush of very intense emotions…I yelled back at her and then hung up…I have never called her back…but she has not given up…she has called me about once a month and leaves very hurtful messages…I recently wrote her a letter..I felt that this would be the best way for me to try to explain my side…I was pleasant and tried to take the high road…I admited my faults. I told her that in no way did I want to walk away..I said that I felt the relationship was salvagable, but not without some changes on both sides…the most recent message hurt the most…she brought up things that I had no idea she was harboring…she mocked everything I tried to convey to her in that letter…I listened to the message a few times…I stopped listening to the words…I started to pick up on her tone and the sound of desperation in her voice…I know from a mutual friend of ours that she is not okay…her life is falling apart and I am not the only person to recently stop communication…she was just fired this past weekend from her job that she loved because she was bullying another employee…she had no idea she was being offensive… a part of me wants to run to her side like I have always done to be her pillar of strength…but then I remember that she couldn’t give me a break…she refused to understand that I needed my time to drift away…and in the beginning it was not personal…I am very emotionally distraught about this whole thing…but for some reason I feel I need to stand my ground and not give in. If we are ever to get through this…I need her to accept me with all my faults as I have done for her…every friendship has it’s ups and downs..it’s inevitable…in 8 years this is our first major rift…I can’t believe that this is where her and I have ended up…I am considering the possibility that we may never recover and what saddens me the most is that my lack of contact does not truly reflect how I feel about her…this is breaking my heart…I am really coming to terms about a lot of things that this fight has brought to light…life happens and sometimes friends drift away from each other…I have an open door policy…I never truly close the door on broken friendships…I view the future with hope and know that life has a funny way of bringing people back around…I have no expectations…I will be pleasantly surprised if I am ever given an opportunity to rekindle what was once lost…What I tried to stress to my friend was that I may have drifted away for my own reasons, but that did not mean that I would never come back…I needed her to be patient with me and give me my space…I have been on her end of the situation with other friends and I never gave them a hard time and knew that life was what preoccupied them and that if and when they were ever ready to come back..I would be there ready to pick up from where we last stopped off…ummm…thanks for letting me vent…
Hey Lara:
This might be surprising coming from a guy (who says we aren’t supposed to be emotionally involved with our guy friends?) but I can relate to your story, if from the opposite end. I had a friend drift away from me slowly after I moved. I tried everything I knew how to keep him in my life, to give him his space, etc. Didn’t work. And somewhere in there, in the midst of a lot of doubt, I finally gave up. Before I gave up, I admit, I exploded. And so did he, and we said a lot of things to each other that we probably, on some level, meant, but on other levels, probably regret. I’m left with this lesson: friendship is on TWO people, not just one. The balance can flow back and forth (regarding who is doing most of the giving, etc, or what areas they are taking from/giving to) but if that “flow” begins to “pool” on one end for too long, something is going to break. I’m a lot more attentive now to what I give to people and what I ask to take from them.
Understand I’m not implying blame or anything. I feel for you, I really do. The raw amount of destruction sends you reeling. It’s been a year now. I wonder if the hurt goes away.
Hey Joe (reminds of that Hendrix song)… Thanks for those words. Most powerful was the analogy of the “flow” and “pool” effect on a friendship…I failed to mention that this friend of mine moved about 90 minutes away from me…What does moving away do to a friendship?…it must really test the foundations.
It’s pretty impressive that one blog entry written almost a year ago can still get so many hits and additional posts, but the subject matter is something many can relate to, especially me right now. (plus google brings it up when you search for “friendships ending.”) my best friend and i are in a fight. it started over a misunderstanding, something petty, but it’s bringing to light an unbalanced relationship and lots of repressed feelings. she has been going through tons of emotional stress and i have been there for her the best i can but i live over an hour away, work 5-6 days a week, and have a toddler, husband, and home to tend to, thus i’m not always available. she posted an entry on her blog saying how mad she was at me (named me specifically), and said some hurtful things. i wrote her an email saying i thought her post was inappropriate and disrespectful and i was hurt. she hasn’t written back. she posted another entry saying how this was her journal, her diary, and if anyone has a problem with that then they can leave. then she posted her number for “anyone” to call who wants to know her. so, am i wrong to think that this was a little wrong? i had my husband take down a post on his blog because i didn’t feel it was appropriate. you know why she’s so pissed? i was mad and hung up on her. big deal after nine years of friendship. the funny thing is i’m more hurt and sad than mad. i guess part of me recognizes things weren’t great, but i didn’t think she’d act like this. it’s disappointing. i did like the 16th post here about the f”low” and “pool” of a friendship. i think this river bed has run dry and the flow is long gone. thanks for letting me vent.
Wow… As I was searching the internet in my futile attempts to cope with the loss of a 20 year friendship, I happened to stumble upon your blog (or at least I think it is a blog). I am learning that losing friends, especially the ones whom you thought would be there til the day you died is really quite hard to accept, but must be accepted none the less. What more can a person do when the friendship is not reciprocated. I guess all a person can do is to learn to let go and not be jaded by the experience so as to not let the experience affect developing and nurturing friendships with other people.
It is interesting, I just stumbled upon this as well. I don’t like intentionally losing friends. It’s like a bad break up. Drifting away happens, time, priorities, work, location all affect the friendship, and although it’s sad, you know who you can count on in those situations (some of my best friends that I’ve known forever live far away and we all have families and carreers to deal with). But the intentional “I don’t know if I can be friends anymore” hurts. I’m in it now – more of my doing since I felt like I was carrying the weight – and each day I want to email or call just to say hi, as if some remaining hopeful part of me thinks we can move on, but still be friends. Some days, it feels it would actually be EASIER to do this than to purposely hold back and be angry. I don’t like doing it, I prefer to forgive, there’s enough grumpiness in this world. But in this situation (it’s complicated and long and would take forever to explain) I feel like I would just set myself up for disappointment. I’ve tried so many times before. A complicated piece of this is that we work together, so it’s even harder to stand my ground when we need to interact (it remains business-like and formal). I find it exhausting, but my stubborn side is telling me I finally need to do this. But I can’t tell if it’s the right thing. I hope I don’t regret it one day.
I was so glad to find this website (or blog). Amber’s entry was one I could really understand, because I am trying to cope with the loss of a 30yr. friendship.I did not want our friendship to end, and did everything I could to prevent it, but my friend felt differently. The events leading up to the loss of her friendship are very complex; everything happened during the past 2yrs.
Like Amber and her friend, I thought we would be friends until the day we died. I feel this strange mixture of sadness and anger. The loss of her friendship is so hard to accept——but I must accept it and start trying to forgive. Forgiving her doesn’t mean that I think what she did to me was right, but that with God’s help I can let go of the anger and sadness she has caused and move on without bitterness.
Thanks for letting me “talk”; it helps.
I also am experiencing a loss of a 13 year friendship that I too thought would be in my life til the very end. Having gone through what many women experience (divorce, betrayal of husbands, other friendships, deaths of friends and family members). There is always a risk that what you value most may not be yours to have forever.
My friendship has ended without an explanation. No returning of phone calls, email and even asking mutual friends and family. You can only “guess” in circumstances like this. I have offered all possible apologies, but I now realize I am only 50 percent of this exchange.
I have seen this pattern of rejection from my friend with others in her life, I just never thought it would happen to me.
Thank you for listening.
Thank you for your site. Had a friend at work, then she started to spend more and more time with the bosses favorite. Could talk about anything and now I cannot trust her. I feel betrayed, and realized this person has no idea what a friend is. I have had 3 friends that I thought would be good friends for life, at least I was hoping for that. Can women really be friends? I would love one of those girlfriend realtionships you always here of, but it seems everytime I think I might have a really good friend to share,family etc. stuff with, I am always betrayed or not even betrayed just, they don’t seem to last, with either party ever haven an actually fight. Friendships always seem one sided or I seem to care way more than the other. Can anyone else relate?
Wow, I can relate to all of this. I have had 2-3 major friendships with women throughout my life and all of them ended abruptly. And all of them for the same reason – I got tired of giving more than I was receiving. About a year ago, my best friend of eight years (and roommate of 3) met the man she’s going to marry and poof…she was gone. I tried to be supportive of her new relationship, but it was hard when all of our traditions and outings ceased to exist, and I became the leftovers when he was out of town. I had no idea that I was just something for her to have “in the meantime” or while waiting for Prince Charming to arrive. When I look back on our friendship, I realize that she was single the entire time we were friends (while I dated and had relationships but was still able to include her). It has become crystal clear to me that I was a way to pass the time.
I guess I wonder this about our long lost friends…do they miss us? At some point, do they realize the loss but feel to embarrassed to remedy it? Or are they too distracted or so happy to care? I wonder. My favorite line from a movie is so poignant here: “How can someone be such an integral part of our life one day and simply vanish the next?” (THREESOME).
I’m glad I stumbled onto this site. I sort of thought I was the only one out there with this story.
No, Whitney, you’re definitely not the only one. I posted above–read that and you’ll see what I’ve gone thru (similar to you). About a week ago I took a chance and sent my ex-friend an email. I had seen him twice over the summer at gatherings of mutual friends, and those meetings went relatively well, so what the hell, you know? Take a chance.
I’m having a lot of mixed feeling about what I just did. Oh, my ex-friend wrote back right away and was very friendly and polite… maybe it’s just me but it seems almost “too” polite. I don’t know. Isn’t it crazy to be carrying around so much anger at a person (re: why the hell did you DO that to me????) and all the time know full well that it was your anger, in part, that helped rip the two of you apart the first time around? But you want validation… you want resolution… you want the other person to say “yes I acknowledge I hurt you and I’m sorry for that and I wish I could take it back.”
What I get instead, thus far anyway, is such coordinal politeness I can’t tell if any of it is real or not. Also can’t shake the feeling/thought: how long is it gonna stick THIS time around?
Sigh.
It’s amazing how a tearful pain can be lightened by reading stories of similiar situations! I have lost several “good” friends , or what I thought were “good.” Especially since I got married 8 years ago. I saw my friends true colors appear during my engagement! Despite being there for them, emotionally and monetarily, they did not reciprocate! Friends from 30 to 15 years of friendship, walked away from me. When I reflect on our friendship in my mind, I am a fool to even reconsider renewing the friendship, but I feel so alone and sad. Even with a rich fufilling life with my kids, husband,family and work and the gym, I feel so lonely. Yet, they were unkind to me. Even after I told them how I felt. You would think we were in grade school, the way they behaved! Philosophy quotes are great, but they don’t alleviate this heartache. What will?
I am glad to have found this website. Now I know I’m not alone. I’m not sure if my 5-year friendship is ending or not, but it’s so confusing and painful. It helps to read that I’m not alone, though. My friend and I have both talked about it, but everything’s different between us now and we don’t know why. Maybe we’re just not supposed to be friends anymore. But I go to school with her and my class in a private school has 10 people including me and it’s hard cause we see each other every day. I keep praying that this won’t be the end, but if it is, like everyone here said, I’ll have to accept it. I just wish I knew what changed. That’s perhaps the hardest part of all.
I too am dealing with the loss of a 20 year friendship. One I thought would never end, no matter what happened. We became friends in High School and over the years got closer and closer. I was her friend through her first marriage to a man nobody approved of because he broke every promise he ever made to her. He was irresponsible and disappointed her time after time. The list goes on. I was her friend when that marriage dissolved and for many years after that. We grew closer and closer, shared our darkest secrets with each other, went on vacations together, etc. etc. She thought the world of me and vice versa. We couldn’t wait to talk to each other about our plans for the weekend, shopping, relationships, etc. She thought I was one of the funniest people on the planet. She valued my opinion over anybody elses. She couldn’t wait to tell me about her latest shoe purchase, etc. etc. Well, the friendship started going sour 2 years ago, when she decided to jump into a relationship with a married man. I did not judge her for dating him and encouraged her to do whatever made her happy. When this married man started disappointing her and taking her for granted after only a few months, she would obviously confide in me and I expressed my concerns about him and this relationship, always with her best interests at heart. We have always been open and honest with each other, so I felt I could be completely honest about what I thought. I kept reminding her that he was a married man and if she wanted to keep dating him, so be it, but she shouldn’t put all her eggs in his basket. I advised her time after time to date other people and to keep her doors open and all the while she was resenting my opinions. To make a long story short, my attempts at helping my “best friend” from being in yet another relationship that was disappointing backfired! It came between us and started pulling us apart little by little. Her new man, who is now separated from his wife, after 18 months of sneaking around, has completely changed my friend. He is very uptight and has many hangups. He frowns on “girls night out” so needless to say, she doesn’t partake in “girls night out” anymore so he will not be upset. He doesn’t appreciate my sense of humor, so needless to say, she has distanced herself from me completely. We have the occasional exchange of e-mails, but the phone calls have grown further and further apart. The last time we got together over the Holidays, I felt really uncomfortable around her, constantly watching every word I said so not to offend her or her “man” in anyway and I don’t think that true friends should feel uncomfortable around each other. I am now at the point where I refuse to be something I’m not. I have not changed. I am the same person I’ve always been and have dozens of friends/co-workers who truly enjoy my company. I have decided to focus on the positive relationships in my life and stop mourning the death of this friendship. However, a day does NOT go by that I don’t think about her and the friendship we had. We were truly envied by many for our closeness. It is still painful for me, but I relly have no choice but to move on and stop dwelling. Any words of advice from anyone? Thanks…
I feel for everyone who has commented, and I’m glad I came across this blog. I have had similar experiences with two friends since getting married three years ago, and these experiences have left me sad, mourning and confused. One was a friend of 15 years who has gradually drifted away, even though I’ve made every effort to remain friends. I think what hurt the most was when it became clear that a special tradition we have shared together was no longer important to her. She would either not initiate doing it, and would usually cancel when I would suggest it. This tradition was so special to both of us for many years that I just don’t understand how it could suddenly not matter to her any more. This friend also takes a long time to return emails and doesn’t seem that interested in maintaining contact any more. Another friend of 8 years has just gradually drifted away for no reason that I can figure, even though I periodically will call or email her to try to stay in touch. We used to confide in each other all the time, go on camping trips and share a tent together, etc. Plus, my husband and I have taken her to dinner for her birthday and made several other efforts. But it has gradually become a one-way street. With both of these friends, I started noticing the friendships gradually ending soon after I got married. I don’t think it has anything to do with my husband, who has always made extra efforts to be friends with both of them, but I wonder if it has something to do with their perception of me since I’ve gotten married. I don’t feel as if I’ve changed, but maybe I have and don’t know it?? But even if that’s the case, I feel that after so many years of friendship, they could at least talk to me about it and give our friendship a chance to get back on track. I’m so confused! I don’t know what, if anything, I did, or why neither of them seems to miss our friendship. I’m finally trying to just accept it, telling myself that change happens and change is natural . . . but it still hurts. Hopefully someday it will stop hurting. Thanks for listening.
Personally, my hurt has turned into anger…I guess one of the steps one has to take to heal. I’m angry at my friend for not caring. I’m angry at her for not making the same effort I made to maintain the friendship. I’m angry that she doesn’t cherish our friendship as much as I do. I’m angry that she isn’t affected by the fact that she will not see my son grow up, who she used to ADORE! I’m furious with her for letting a man come between us. Anyway, I’m glad I found this blog too. It helps to see that I’m not the only one who feels as strongly about friendship and the loss of it!
Marilyn
How I envy you for being angry ! I wish I could reach that point. My heart is broken and I’m battling to function properly. No one knows what’s happened to me and and cannot discuss this with my family.
My story may sound ridiculous , but to me the past year has been one of the happiest , and the past two weeks probably the most terrible!
I met my friend on the net, purely by accident ! We hit it off like a house on fire and shared everything, like talking about our kids, family, etc etc We talked on the phone , long distance , exchanged gifts , we mailed cards and letters and have been in contact on a daily basis.I was her best friend and soul mate as she still is to me.
I realise now that all this started changing some months ago, but I refused to “see” it. She began introducing me to another friend she had met . One evening while the three of us were chatting on the net, I realised that the two of them were sharing exactly what we had been sharing! They were using terms of endearment , talked about events, intimacies I had no knowledge of!! My entire world came crashing down! To top it all , the new friend let on that she knew detail about me, things I had been sharing secretly.
Everything you guys have said about not wasting tears, effort and time on someone who isn’t worth those feelings , is without a doubt true! But my disappointment and disillusionment , not to mention a broken heart, something I had not experienced since my teens, leave me utterly shattered!
I don’t know how to “quit” the talking , writing , communicating.How do I do this?And most of all , how do I heal??
WOW….Am I glad to know that I am not alone. I can relate to several of these, especially losing the 20 plus year friendship that you thought was indestructible, and that best friend that you grew up with. I was best friends with my friend for 23 years. We met when we were 12 years old. She has always said one of her earliest memories of us is meeting on our bicycles half way between our houses, so I could let her borrow my Journey cassette tape (ah… there tells my age….some of you have never even seen a cassette, some of you still have your collection!!) (Like I do.) Anyway, some of you know what all a female goes through between the ages of 12-35 years old. Well, she & I went through all of that together…riding on the school bus after she had just french-kissed her first boyfriend and her saying, “Oh, it was so gross! His tongue went like this!” (and she made her finger go back & forth real fast.) LOL!! She was forbidden in 8th grade to see an older guy who honestly, they were madly in love and he bought her a tee-shirt with their names airbrushed on it and she could only wear it at school, so I would take it home & wash it for her. You know, we had young memories like that, that we will never have with new friends. (We were more like sisters.) In highschool, we double-dated alot, constantly passed notes to each other in the halls and it was one of those friendships that we both GENUINELY had an interest in every detail of the other one’s life. Throughout our 23 year friendship, there were alot of “coincidences” that we used to keep a list of, that further convinced us that we were meant to be best friends. Some examples:
1.)We both had long term relationships that started our junior year and each lasted several years. When we went on our first double-date to introduce our boyfriends, they already knew each other from a class they had in college!! We double-dated to our senior prom with them and had many other fun times together. Both relationships were break up/get back together type constantly throughout and it seemed that every time I would call her crying, saying he & I had just broken up, she would already be crying saying she was just about to call me, because they had just broken up to. Same thing about when we would get back together with them. (Except we were happy during those phone calls! Point is, those relationships always seemed to be in sync with each other…)
2.) Both of our parents divorced when we were 5 years old
3.) Our biological dad’s both had sandy blonde hair
4.) Our step-dad’s both had red hair
5.) We both drove Ford Escorts at the same time ( mine was red, her’s was blue—and this was not planned!! )
6.) We both drove charcoal gray Hondas (though at different times…once again, not planned…just coincidence and we both ended up with 4-door white Honda Accords!!)
7.) We both married men with the initials B.B.
8.) Our husbands got along GREAT!! ( which thrilled us! )
9.) FYI–I introduced her to her husband…and she has thanked me a million times for MAKING her go out that night ( she didn’t want to go, because she had just come out of a bad break-up ) and I would not take no for an answer, a whole group of us were going out & THAT is the night she met her husband!!
10.) Our first-born children were born in July
11.) Her second son was born on my husband’s birthday
12.) The directions to her new house…you turn on “Happy Hollow Road” (how common is that name?) which just so happened to be the same exact name of the road my husband lived on while he was in college in a totally different state years earlier!!! Then, the actual name of her street, is the same name of the street my husband grew up on in a totally different state.
I know these sound cheesey, but we just always had these little coincidences in our lives, plus alot more examples than these….
Anyway, we were in each other’s weddings, gave each other baby showers, went to each other’s family functions (like with our parents) went to funerals and weddings together, we just went through so much in 23 years. And laughter was a HUGE part of our relationship!! She & I always made each other laugh so much!! We were BOTH good listeners, and both gave good advice that was in the best interest of each other. And all of this doesn’t even touch on what I would consider the most important thing we shared…we are both Christians and we loved most of all to talk about The Lord.
We were just connected in so many ways. Bottom line of what caused our friendship to end is this. About 2 years ago, I started battling a debilitating depression. She knew everything I was going through. We did play phone tag several times. We exchanged several e-mails which I do believe she was trying to be supportive. I certainly did not expect her to “fix” me, just to be there for me. I had so many friends so worried about me, calling me several times a week. She called less & less. I e-mailed her in Feb.2004 telling her how bad my depression was getting and even told her I was having suicidal thoughts. She never called me or wrote back. So, 2 weeks later, I sent her another e-mail asking if she had gotten the previous e-mail and she instantly wrote back and said, yes, she did get the e-mail I had sent her, but she did not respond because, “She did not know what to say.”
I tell her my depression is getting so bad that I am having suicidal thoughts and she does not respond AT ALL, because “SHE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY?” How about,
1.) I love you and so many other people love you, let’s pray about this right now.
2.) “Look, I have no idea what to say, but I just want you to know how much I love you and how suicide is not the answer. Do you want me to just sit here and listen, while you tell me what you are going through.”
I mean ANYTHING would have been better than NOTHING!! So, after a few conversations & e-mails just “small-talking” and awkward, I decided to be honest with her and to tell her that she had REALLY, REALLY hurt my feelings when I sent her such a serious e-mail and she did not respond AT ALL, because she “Didn’t know what to say.” I told her after all we had been through in 23 years, she was not there for me in my darkest days, when I needed her most. But, I let her know that I felt we could work through this, I just needed to get my feelings out. She got the e-mail one week later, called me totally mad & defensive & it was a blow-up conversation & it was like we did not even know each other! It ended with her hanging up on me (CHILDISH!!) I tried to call her back twice immediately, but she would not answer. About 2 months later, I e-mailed her and titled it “closure” letting her know that she had hurt me so bad and acted so childish by hanging up on me, that I would never let her hurt me like that again and that I just wanted to tell her that our friendship was over. It was a hateful e-mail, I admit it. Well, about 2 days later, she sent me an e-mail titled “closure” and not only was her e-mail hateful, it was full of out right LIES!!! She ended it with, “Any future e-mails I sent her would be deleted without being read and if I ever tried to call her, she would just hang up on me.”
July, 2005….one year later…I sent her an e-mail just telling her that as close as we were for 23 years, I hated the way our friendship ended so badly and I told her if I never saw her again, I wished her & her family the best always. She never responded with ANYTHING. I had no desire to re-open the friendship, just to end it in a more civilized way. I couldn’t believe she could not have written me back, simply to say, “Yes, I hate the way our friendship ended, too and I wish your family the best. Have a good life.” But, she didn’t.
2 weeks ago, a girl from our class was killed in a car wreck. So, here, 8 months after the e-mail I sent her last July, I e-mailed her again, telling her about our classmate’s death and I told her I wondered how WE would feel if one day we got a call saying the other one had died. I also apologized for every part of my part in our falling out. It has been almost 2 weeks now. Nothing. I ended the e-mail with, “I only ask one thing. Please just let me know that you did receive this e-mail and the e-mail I sent last July (and I even attached that e-mail to this one.) My mother has now called her to ask her if she received my e-mail. (They were always close.) She had to leave a message and so far, she has not called my mother back. She has always told me that she can turn her feelings off for people like a light switch, but I NEVER would have thought she could have done that to me…HER BEST FRIEND. How can she be so cold? How could I invest 23 years in a friendship, just to have my feelings crushed in the end and realize, you can never REALLY know somebody. I have a ton of great friends (luckily, I have another best friend, who I have been close to just as long as this lost friend,) but it still hurts and it has shaken me to my core about human relationships. If anybody wants to comment, I would welcome it!!
Paige:
Reading your story reminds me so much of mine. I was closer to my “best friend” than I was to my own sister at times and I know how you feel about closure. I wrote several letters that I felt would give me closure, but I never sent them because they were very hurtful and in the end I decided that I did not want to be hurtful. I didn’t want to regret my last words to her. We have a mutual friend that is stuck in the middle of all this and she begged me NOT to send anything…just to leave it alone. She insists that she is just going through a phase with this new man in her life and that we should just be there for her when she falls. I know that I will not be able to ignore how she completely eliminated me from her life without ever looking back. How does someone do that? I will never understand it! I know that even if she called me today begging for forgiveness (which God knows she won’t do), our relationship will never be the same again. The biggest regret I have is not being honest with her about her ex-husband. Everyone knew he was a loser, but nobody could say anything to her because she would get very defensive, to the point where she didn’t talk to her own FATHER for 2 years because he did not approve of something her ex-husband did. Imagine? We all stood by keeping our opinions to ourselves because she was young and so were we. We were all hoping for the best at 22. My biggest regret is NOT being honest because I now know that our friendship would’ve ended back in 1992, instead of me investing another 14 years of my life in a friendship that has now ended because I was honest. I felt our relationship had reached a level that NOTHING could tear us apart. Boy was I wrong! I am furious with her and am healing every day, but I cannot tell a lie…it still bothers me. I do wish her the best, but I do wish that she regrets ending this friendship! God, I wish that more than anything!
Paige: The lesson to be learned is that some friends come into our lives and remain our friends no matter what. Some friends do NOT remain, but in my opinion, the ones that don’t remain, were never truly friends. The only constant in life is family, at least my family sticks together no matter what. Yes, we have had many battles, but we always manage to realize that we need each other in our lives. I have so many other friends that love me and are helping me through this, so I plan on devoting more time to those friends. I am open to comments as well.
Marilyn, (and anyone else who would like to read this…)
Thank-you for responding to my story so quickly!! It sounds like to me that your friend has terrible judgement when it comes to men and she will cut anybody out of her life that tries to be honest with her. You said in your response that you had written 2 letters to her to give you closure, but you never mailed them because they were hurtful and you didn’t want your last words to her to be hurtful. Wise choice…
See, our blow-up happened 2 years ago and it was VERY NASTY!!! During a phone call and in e-mails we sent to each other titled:CLOSURE, we BOTH ripped each other to shreds and we both made it clear that our friendship was over and we were both saying very mean & hurtful things in these final e-mails. That was in July 2004. Well, a year passed by and in July 2005, I wrote her a very nice e-mail telling her that I hated the way our 23 year friendship had ended in such a horrible way. I also said things such as, “Even though we have had some bad fights in our friendship, I always felt like once we worked it out, we were closer than before, because it’s like, our friendship was worth fighting for. And I also pointed out in that e-mail last July, that though we have had some “drama” in our friendship, that I felt we had way, way more good times than bad. Then I ended it with, “If I never see you again, I just want you to know that I wish you and your family the best in life.”
So, that WAS my way of my last words to her being kind and remorseful and wishing her well in life. She never responded.
Then, this e-mail I sent her 2 weeks ago, when one of our classmates was killed in a car wreck, I flat out humbled myself, apologized for anything I had said or done to hurt her and told her “I hope you will forgive me.” THEN, I was telling her about our classmate dying and I said, “I wonder how we would feel if we got a phone call one day saying the other one had died? I don’t know how you would feel, but I would cry a river of tears and be devastated.” (now, these are QUOTES from the e-mail I sent her 2 weeks ago!) I ended it with, “Will you please do one thing for me? Will you please just let me know that you received this e-mail. That is all that I ask.” (That is a QUOTE!!)
Well, as I said in my post last night when I was sharing my story, she has NOT responded, simply to let me know she did rec’v the e-mail. She didn’t even have that common courtesy. So, I asked my mother to call her to find out (they were always close.) Well, guess what? AFTER, I posted this story last night, my mother called and said that my (ex)best friend returned her call last night. They chit-chatted, caught up on news in each other’s lives, (she never asked a thing about me) then, right before they hung up, my mother said, “Oh, Paige wanted to know if you got the e-mail she sent you a few weeks ago?” She simply said, “Yes.”
So, now I have my complete closure. I can honestly go to my grave knowing that my last words to her were kind, humble, and I apologized and asked for her forgiveness. If I were to find out tomorrow that she was killed in a car wreck, I would cry, but I would have no regrets, because I made an honest effort TWICE to make peace with her. Not to re-open the friendship, but just to make peace. If she were to find out that I had died, how would she feel? I guess that is for her to deal with if it ever happens.
So, I have my FULL closure now. I hope you & everyone on this sight get closure with your broken friendships. We all ask and we have all wondered, “How can she just ignore my phone calls, my e-mails, etc….How can she just shut her feelings off like a lightswitch, after all we have been through?…….How can she just not care anymore?”…..People, let me just say, THEY JUST CAN. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you can heal from it and move on. It doesn’t matter how long you have been friends or what all you have been through together. We, who have written on this website obviously are not that way or else we would have never searched for a website like this. But this hard cold reality has hit me square in the face, and I agree with what Marilyn said in the above post….I wish I would have known a long time ago that my ex-best-friend was truly this cold deep in her being, so I would not have WASTED 23 years of my life on her!! I am very much in the grief process now, after talking to my mother last night & now knowing FOR A FACT that she DID receive my e-mail. Something died inside of me last night and the person I thought was my lifelong best friend died to me last night. I never thought she could be so cold. But, you know what? SHE CAN! Last night after I talked to my mother, I wanted to go through my whole house, open every box, go through every school yearbook and DESTROY every picture, card, letter, gift she has ever given me. She even gave me a plaque about 5 years ago that said, “I hope your mansion is next to mine.” (meaning in Heaven.) THAT is how long we both always said we would be best friends…even through eternity….side by side mansions in Heaven!! But, I’m sure I will be running across pictures, cards, letters, gifts, all sorts of memorabilia from her for a long time, since I have 23 years worth of that stuff.
But I have WAY TOO MANY blessings and other wonderful friends, so I must grieve over this, and I must get on the road to healing. Life is too short. She made her decision, now I am making mine….Let the healing begin!!! Best wishes to you all!!!! Paige
As I read through all the emails, it’s as if I were reading my very own thoughts! I too had a friendship of 20 years that has come to a horrible end and unfortunately by my own hand. For as long as I can remember, my friend has needed me and I have ALWAYS been there. When no one else had the time or the patience to deal with the ‘crazies’, I was there. This friend of mine not only suffered from a mild case of depression and major insecurities, but she suffered through a series of unstable relationships. . each of which ending very, very badly. I realized my role with this friend a long time ago. I became an enabler. If I think back on her bad times and how they would literally ruin weekends and make everyone depressed, I get angry. Right after the last major breakup in her life which nearly destroyed her, she happens to meet a rather nice guy and after about a year and a half of dating, they were engaged and married the following year. . 6 months later she was pregnant and now has a child. I am sick to say that the falling out happened when I couldn’t get to see her and her new baby. I am the last of the single friends (my other close friend of 30 years is married w/a child) and live further away to both friends. Bottom line is I carry a much different schedule than my married friends and work insane hours (which is also not good). We spoke mid-week and I asked if she would be around that coming weekend as I would be in town and would like to see her and her baby. By the end of the week, my work schedule became overwhelming and all plans were history. Everything would have been fine if I had just called to let her know I couldn’t make it. But I forgot to call. I didn’t forget because I didn’t feel like it, I forgot because I put my work before everything. I tried calling her the beginning of the subsequent week, a few days after and then twice again and never heard back from her. I can honestly say that I didn’t even consider the fact that I didn’t call her which was terrible on my part. She finally called me back and ripped me a new one. It was during my ripping that I realized she hadn’t been happy with me for a long time. There were things that had been bothering her for at least a year that she brought up.. . .and I was speechless. How can you argue? She said some pretty horrible things to me on the phone. She even tossed some of the words used to help her out of her bad spot so many years ago back at me. So. . it’s been almost 2 months since that phonecall and neither one will pick up the phone again. I know I was wrong for not calling, but all I can say is that I had been a good friend to her for many, many years and would never hurt her intentionally. This situation is a little out in left field. Where some girls disappear after they meet someone and friends are left in the dark, it was me who who pulled back some. I realize that this friend took my moving away as abandoning her. . but that wasn’t true at all. I just had to get on with my own life. I wouldn’t feel half as bad if it weren’t for the fact that she has a child. This is what keeps me up at night.
Thanks for listening!
Angela:
Losing a life-long friend under any circumstances is difficult, sometimes more difficult than breaking up with a man you love. I look at it as I’ve experienced a death (the death of a friendship I depended on so much) and I have to go through the normal grieving process. At first I refused to believe that this “death” actually occured. Then, as I realized it was really happening, I went through the sad phase, crying and reaching out to my other friends for support, now I’m in the angry phase where I wouldn’t allow this “dead” friend back into my life. She doesn’t DESERVE me! So, give it some time. It’s not an easy process, but it will get easier and easier. Soon you will fill that void with other relationships & activity making it that much easier to move on…
Good luck to you!
Marilyn
I can relate so much to these comments. I hurts like hell to lose a best friend, even for guys. I’ve had this one friend since I was 6, always did stuff together, closer than either of my 2 brothers. He gets married, has child, going to have another one. I adapted, broke my back to try to remain included and it worked for the first year of their marriage. Then, I’m cut off, never included, like a single person doesn’t have the credentials to hang out with them anymore. Hurts like hell, and I’m just not mature enough to accept the new friendship that’s left. I’m left resenting him and his wife, which I don’t want to do. I would rather just end the friendship suddenly, than let it die and turn into some crappy version from what it once was. I wish I was stronger to accept things, but I’m not.
Mike, yes, its just as tough for men. My story is similar to yours, frighteningly similar, only the reverse happened. My 40+ year best friend got married, and they chose not to have kids. When I got married several years later, we had two, but they came with a number of years between them. The story is long, but the end result is he wanted to do things that didn’t involve kids or want to work around my, by now, hectic schedule that is focused on my family. There’s more to it, as there always is in a case like mine at least. I decided I didn’t want to put up with the constant comments that were like a knife in my back, among many other occurances that seemed to say to me “your not worth the bother anymore.” The moment of clarity was when I invited him over once and I was told I was “too far away”.
From that point I have slowly distanced myself from him for 3-4 years, and believe me it will get better. I can’t speak for a guy who is single, but for me I have focused more on my wife and kids as well as my siblings. As I heard it put just the other day, your family will always be there for you, because no one else will. Over time, you’ll also find out that there are other people that will actually want to be friends with you.
Hey All:
I posted a couple of times above. I thought that maybe I should post something on where my own story stands right now.
I contacted my friend a while back, back in January. He responded right away and was very polite, coordinal. And then we kept in touch thru this message board he had created for his current friends (several of which are mutual friends of mine). So that was cool. The posts on the message board were usually superficial, stuff on everyday run-of-the-mill events, but that was okay. I mean, what else can you expect when several people are reading stuff on the board? It’s not a place for private talks.
But he did email me a few times, and vice versa, and we got into deeper conversations. Never on what happened between us, but on other stuff. Some of it deeper than the superficial topics. So I think I can safely say the friendship has moved from “best/deep” to “distancing” to “not talking to each other” to “acquantance” to “something a bit closer to where it used to be.”
Still, though, much has changed, if only in me. It’s hard to forget how bad it got, how ignored I felt, how hard I was working, etc. It’s hard to invest as much, knowing that you invested that much before and got your ass kicked for your efforts.
But its also hard to stay angry. There was a stretch there when I literally went to bed, dreamed, and woke up thinking about what happened between us. Obsession? I don’t think so. I think it’s more “proecessing.” We don’t live in a society anymore (if we ever did) that teaches us to work through these things. It hurts. It’s hard as hell. And in the end, as someone mentioned above, I knew I needed closure. Even if it didn’t work out, I needed to email him. I didn’t have the bravery the person above had (Paige) to lay myself out flat and humble myself like that (I did things wrong too, but so did he. Not a pride thing. I think that for a situation to be healthy, there has to be acknowledgement of reality on all sides, not just MY acknowledgement). What I got back from him, the polite emails that led gradually to deeper conversations, is a nice thing, and I’m thankful for it.
But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t also scared. And I’d be lying if I said that this whole thing hasn’t screwed up my perceptions on friendship, love, and everything. If it’s that easy for a friend to do that to you, how much harder is it for a wife or husband to do that to you? Or your child? I don’t want to go thru life thinking the bonds of love are much more fragile than we want to accept that they are, but… but. It’s such a disturbing thought I can’t even finish thinking it, let alone write about it.
All I can honestly say is that the contact I’ve had with my ex/renewed friend has been good and healing in my own case, but it feels like maybe there’s still more to go/do… or maybe that’s my subconscious wish for things to go back to being how they were… which isn’t good, because they can’t. And maybe they shouldn’t. I still struggle with WHY this had to happen. I read a great book called “Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes” by William Bridges that literally shocked me senseless, it was so good (NOT a self-help book… it reads… “differently” than a self-help book. Really you gotta read it yourself to see what I mean). That book basically made the point that you begin with endings… that the endings of the things that define you currently are really the doorways to the paths you’ll take to become who you you’re going to be. Ending, transition, beginning. That’s the true cycle, not the other way around.
And I don’t know, but that just seems so true. I’m 36. When I look back on my life, I remember all these “phases” I went thru, several of which, when they ended, I thought would literally kill me at the time. But now they seem smaller. Not trivial, cute, or petty, but… just smaller. And even essential. Because I KNOW in my deepest heart of hearts that if I hadn’t dated that girl in college or worked at that job or gotten fired from that other job or gotten an F on that paper or had that fight with my wife, I never would have become who I am today. And while I’m not perfect, I like who I am today. So it’s becoming harder and harder to believe that there isn’t some overall greater purpose to all of this. I’m not talking about God or Fate. I’m talking about personal development. I was best friends with my “friend” for for years, went through steadily distancing times with him for another four, for the past six months have been growing closer… and as a result of it all, I’ve been kinder, humbler, more focused on “real” things, braver, calmer, more patient.
Imagine if I had never met the guy.
I can’t imagine it. I don’t think I even want to.
Hang in there, people.
I have lost a friend I was close with for 2 years. I can’t imagine the hurt those are feeling that lost their friends of 12-20 years. My friend’s husband is ill. She said it is serious but not life threatning but says her husband is very private and doesn’t want anyone to know. All the plans we had as families together for this summer had to stop because she needed to devote time to him and time to visiting relatives.Four days after telling me this she says her husband has taken a job in WV and will commute back and forth this summer since she wants her daughter to stay here for her senior year. Two days after telling me about the moving she switched her work schedule and now doesn’t take lunch. one week after that my birthday came and went without even a verbal happy birthday.That day she did say they got bad news and to just leave her alone.I left a present for her daughter’s b-day at the end of that same week to find it sitting on my desk one week later when I got back from vaca. I left her alone for 6 weeks but then said we finally had to talk. She confronted me and said I asked for space.I asked her how long. She said forever. I said I can’t e-mail when you move or call you like Amy does? You are not Amy-I have known her for 16 years and you are not her. We weren’t friends for that long. When I asked her if her husband told her to break our frinedship her only repsonse was I will not talk about anything personal I will only talk about work. Decisions have been made at home and I will abide by them.I am still so broken up because I don’t know if he is controlling her or if she can’t handle having a close relationship. This Amy lives 2000 miles away and she e-mails her abouth twice a month and talks once a month. They see each other 2 days every 2-3 years. The other issue is that she pulled this same thing over on a ex-employee about 3 years ago. I went over by her and like me she said she thought they were close. She also did football games, concerts, lunch and suppers with her and even did things with her sisters and mother. She too was so confused when their friendship just was stopped instantly one day. I really need to have closure as to whether it is her husband or whether she has a disorder when it comes to closeness. What does everyone else think?
I have one question: how long has your friend been married to this man? It sounds like he is controlling her to some degree, but if that’s the case, she will NEVER admit it. Most women who are victims of a controlling, manipulating man sometimes don’t even realize it until something drastic really happens. Some women in these situations won’t admit it even if they DO realize it. AND all of them will defend these men in their lives TOOTH and NAIL so I do not recommend that you pry into her relationship with him. It will not help and she will distance herself even more. I have experienced this same thing with my friends and LOST them for good because I tried to make them realize that these men were IDIOTS and it backfired. It always DOES. I just recently sent a “closure” e-mail to the friend I lost after 20 years and got NO response, but it still made me feel like the bigger person. So, if you need to get things off your chest in order to move on. I recommend you do so. Good luck!
Marilyn
I have or had this friend. . .I call her friend even though she’s an elevated acquainance. . I only know her a few short years. She’s someone I used to work with, but I wouldn’t say she was one of my closest friends. During the time we were friendly, this person always had a situation. . .let it be a bad boyfriend, loss of a job, financial troubles, whatever. I suppose she considered me a new ‘best friend’ as she would constantly call me a shower me with all her difficulties. Now, I’m a good listener, but there’s only so much one can take! I let this go on. She would soon find a new boyfriend at a job she reluctantly took after having no other leads. Her life turned out pretty good despite all the trauma, but to date she continues to complain and mar everything good. While some continue to search for silver linings, she’s right there to tell you the silver lining is actually brown. . . you see what I’m saying?
What could have been a fun friendship turned sour because all she ever did was complain. We had much in common due to the fact that we worked together. . but she took that fun, simple friendship and made it into something so stifling. I pulled away. I honestly could NOT handle it anymore. For whatever problem arose, it became mine. When she was wronged somehow, we were all wronged (this goes for her other pals). This may sound cruel to some, but at the time of this drama scenario, I had my 20 year friendship that was going through her mental breakdown as well. . . .things were way out of control.
To me, friendships are supposed to be a good thing, but when something or someone begins to make you feel like you are obligated or pressured for whatever reason, it’s time to re-evaluate. Relationships in general, whether it be a husband, boyfriend etc., are difficult enough, but when you have a friend who is just as demanding on you. . . it makes things that much harder.
I don’t want to come off hard or cruel, but I have always been the person relied upon. . .always! And even though I’ve lost in this department, I totally believe there are reasons for it. Where there are endings. . there are beginnings. For as difficult it is to swallow, people come in and out of our lives for reasons. .. they have their purpose and so do we.
I agree with you. Once I start feeling like I’m the one pulling all the weight in a relationship, I try to take a step back as soon as I recognize that feeling. It helps to evaluate the situation…sometimes it can be fixed, but my experience has led me to find that many times it can’t be helped in the cases of naturally pessimistic people. For me, it’s never a total loss because I can usually find something to learn from the situation. Here’s to future positive> relationships! \–*/
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Shelley from June 1 in response to Marilyn from June2-she has been married to this man for 22 years. She helped put him through college and they struggled getting married at only 20. She has always said to me that his job has always been number 1 to him and since he makes 80% of the income she can’t have a say when they need to move. This will be their 4th-or 5th move in the last 22 years.he never even wanted kids but knew she did. It is just so difficult for me to get closure because after 2-2 1/2 years I thought I knew her. Everyone thinks since she broke up with the ex-employee that she can’t handle committing to a good and daily friendship. But there is a part of me that feels the husband is to blame and when her twins go off to college in five years that her life will crumble. She is known as a Mom only and now a wife only. She said intially that her husband made sacrifices and now she will too. That it might help their marriage. This was all said the day she told me he was ill. That is why I will worry for the rest of my life if she is safe or if there is abuse that the verbal abuse may turn worse once the kids are moved out.
Hey Angela, Crystalline,
I get what you’re saying, but with some people I think “negativity” (on the part of other people) is just an excuse that some very poor friends use to deflect attention away from themseleves. I mean, I’m a pretty open guy, and a good listener, but the catch is that you actually have to SAY something. I remember going through a VERY hard time in my life (for several reasons that had nothing to do with my “friend,” even though his distancing added to my sadness). Where else am I going to go? This is why we HAVE friends, isn’t it? To share the good times as well as the bad? I agree with you both completely that someone who constantly complains and is negative is a drain. But if a person starts going through job problems, marriage problems, etc, at that particular time in his life it’s going to be hard to focus on other things.
My point is, my “friend” used my hard times against me as justification for “distancing himself,” when in reality he never really lifted a finger to stay in touch once I moved away. And now that I’ve moved through my job problems and marriage problems (have been resolved for years) he STILL doesn’t do a whole lot to stay in touch. I just dropped a note letting him know I’d be in town on a business trip soon… wanna grab a beer? No response. It’s bad enough if you get some kind of lame-ass excuse or even a very good excuse… but to not even be acknowledged… that’s just confusing. It’s confusing that when he and I DO talk, so long as I am superficial as hell and don’t discuss my own problems in any way, he seems pleasant. But if I have an expectation or need him to hold up his end… he vanishes like a wisp of vapor. It’s beyond rude. It’s beyond lethargic and dysfunctional. I don’t even know what the hell this IS. I mean, if you don’t want to be someone’s friend or make any effort whatsoever, then why even bother with the superficial chats and jokes? Jeez, I just emailed another college buddy of mine with the same message, that I’d be in town on a business trip, and HE replied the next day saying “Yeah! Definitely!” How hard is that? I’ve talked to this other guy about my troubles as often as he has with me… where did “negativity” enter into the picture in THAT case? But with the first guy, the guy who never responds or makes effort… he’s talked about his troubles with me too… I’ve never held it over his head.
I hate people who justify their own laziness with other peoples’ hard luck. It sucks. Not accusing you two… just trying to make a point.
Joe, I don’t take what you said as accusatory or personal. . this is why we found this website so we can bounce stories/problems off each other.
I do agree with you. . friends are there for you through thick and thin. I have been there, and still am for the friends I have in my life today. What I don’t want however, is for someone to measure every little thing I do. If I call one friend and not the other. . .that’s no reason to jump down my throat. We’re grown women. . .I’m lucky if I remember my own name sometimes. It’s hard to manage relationships that require much more than you can possibly give. I had my head torn off about a year ago for letting a week go by without calling her to check in. I can’t argue with this. I’ll only promise to do better and be more attentive, but honestly, I can’t. There HAS to be time in there for me without my checking in constantly. . .she has been and always will be an extreme person. It’s either all or nothing with her. . nothing in between regardless of any situation.
On the other side of this tennis court, there’s another pal who is going through some major changes in her life and prefers time away. So you see, everyone is different. When someone tells me they just need to deal with things on their own and for me not to be angry, I just tell them to call or email when you need me. And that’s it.
At this stage in the game. . . at the age I’m at right now, I don’t need to deal with people who watch every little step I make just waiting for me to screw up. . .that’s what that old pal did. She now needs to live the life she kicked and screamed about having and stop worrying what everyone else is doing and not doing for her.
Now Joe, you might me cruel again, but believe me when I tell you there wasn’t a time when I wasn’t there. . .It is now time for me to start taking care of me.
Hi Angela:
I believe you, don’t worry. And I understand where you’re coming from. You’re right, extremities like that are too much. In my own case, I just get pissed when, like, if I don’t initiate contact, I’ll probably never hear from this guy again. Back when we were much closer, I did ask for him to check in every couple of weeks, you know (it was a close friendship). Didn’t need an eight page letter. Just a “hey.” Then as we started growing apart, I would’ve settled for every couple of months, just like I do from my… well… “less close friends” isn’t the right term but there are sorta like levels of friends, you know? And the people who are closest to me, I just naturally notice that two or three weeks is the limit I can go without feeling like it’s time to check in, but a five minute “hey” and a catch-up can dispell that feeling easily. With other friends, same thing, but the feeling doesn’t hit me until like every two or three months.
But with some people I guess that’s more like two or three years, and only then if they were heading out your way anyway or else reorganizing their phone directory… somehow you get the feeling that if they hadn’t come across you in the normal course of what they were doing anyway, they never would’ve thought twice about you… and that harshly contradicts the closeness you once had.
I just don’t understand THAT kind of mentality at all. Just casually shut it off like that, like it’s of no consequence. With the people who are close to ME, that’s impossible for me to do. If we had only met on a superficial level to begin with, fine, I could do that. But once we’ve become a bit closer… I can’t be that cold. I value friendship too much.
Anyway, glad you took my post above in the spirit in which it was intended…
All:
I recently found out that my mom’s best friend of 40 years was diagnosed with stomach cancer (advanced) so I felt compelled to send an e-mail to my ex-friend a long overdue “closure” e-mail wishing her well. I copied and pasted it below…
Hi Michele…
I hope you and your family are all doing well as you read this e-mail. I needed to say the following…
I felt it was extremely important for you to know that even though we have both chosen separate paths for many reasons and have moved into new chapters in our lives, I will always cherish what we had, which most people don’t EVER get in a lifetime. All my pride aside, I do sincerely wish you happiness and have no doubt in my mind that your children will do extremely well in life.
I recently found out that my mother’s lifelong friend was diagnosed with stomach cancer (advanced) and I felt a STRONG URGE to let you know that I have not erased 20 years from my memory and think about you, Dee & Ris often even though I know that we will never be the same again. Life is too short and although we can’t change things between us, these things needed to be said.
-Marilyn
A week went by before I got a response from her and you would NOT believe her demeanor! She was very cold, defensive and pointing fingers at me for driving her away because I wasn’t in “her corner” 100%. She felt the need to say that this wasn’t her “choice”. It was ME who drove her to this choice.
Can you please tell me if my e-mail warranted a nasty response from her in any way? BE HONEST…I prefer honesty ALWAYS!
Thanks.
Marilyn
Sounds like guilt.
Marilyn, I went back and read your previous postings and it sounds like you’ve been nothing but a true, fun, supportive friend. What I don’t understand is why she would be angry with you. In my own experiences when I was in a relationship my friends didn’t approve of, I was given ultimatums (I will never forget that) simply stating that for as long as I am with him, we are not welcome in their company. I swallowed that. I never flipped out. . I just continued what I was doing. I personally, would or could ever do that to someone, but we all have to go through what we have to go through and no one is going to tell us otherwise.
Even though you may not have approved of her relationship, I don’t see anywhere that you came down on her. . .you actually stood by. Did she ever tell you why she’s so angry at you?
Angela:
I think everyone has their own definition of “good friend” and in my opinion, she will never have a friend like me in her lifetime. In her response to my e-mail above, she accused me of “driving her away” by my constant “negativity and criticism”, so in answer to your question, in her head, I am 100% at fault for the end of our friendship and she did not “choose” this, but was “forced” into it.
I was accused of being negative because each time this man (who if you remember was married) disappointed her or made promises he didn’t keep or lied to her or STOOD HER UP, I would voice my opinion to try to keep her from allowing another woman’s man from walking all over her. I was constantly giving her reality checks and I guess nobody wants to constantly be reminded of how FOOLISH they’re being if they’re going to keep allowing it to happen. Follow?
In retrospect, I guess I could’ve just stood by and bit my tongue every time she shared another story about how this MARRIED man disappointed her, but I just couldn’t do that. In addition, she was changing, she was becoming this whole new person. One who allows a married man into her children’s lives putting them at risk of being disappointed. She was becoming this person who had no regard for the man’s wife of 23 years. She would actually make horrible comments about his wife and carried on as if she didn’t even exist. Each time I tried to get her to see things just a little differently (i.e. we don’t really know what happened in their marriage, we only know HIS side of the story), I was accused of being “negative”. Each time she would say things like “he only lives with his wife, but his heart belongs to me” or “could you believe his wife took the cell phone that I purchased for him”, I JUST COULDN’T SEE THINGS THROUGH HER EYES…SHE WASN’T THINKING CLEARLY OBVIOUSLY.
I guess people sometimes choose to believe what makes them happy. My sound bites of REALITY did not make her happy, they would pull her out of her little fantasy world, back to real-life and she didn’t like it.
I always want the best for my friends and for them to be happy, so I ask you, if living in a fantasy world and going after another woman’s man NO MATTER WHAT was compromised along the way made my friend happy, should I have kept my reality checks to myself? Let me know what you think.
Also, my 20 year high school reunion is coming up in October and I am REALLY TORN about going. We would both be sitting with the same people and I don’t think I could do it. I am so angry at her for ending this friendship that I don’t think I could attend this reunion if she’s going to be there. WHAT WOULD YOU DO? ANYBODY????
Thanks.
You’re dealing with a VERY selfish woman. She wants what she wants when she wants it and those who don’t fit or go along, have no place in that bubble. All aside, you should be proud of the kind of friend you were to her and the friend you remain to be with those around you today. A person like this lives in their own world. Everything is about them and for them. As for the reunion, I think you should go. Don’t let this person ruin anything for you. What comes around goes around. Someday, when she realizes the man she stole has been stolen from her, she’ll reach out to you and then you’ll have the chance to decide whether or not YOU want her in your life or not.
I’m definitely leaning toward attending the reunion. It’s rightfully mine and I shouldn’t allow anyone’s ignorance ruin it for me. I hope to GOD she does realize someday what she’s done and I do get that chance to tell her that she’s no longer welcome in my life! I’m really glad I found this blog. My closest friends and relatives have been very supportive, but can’t really relate to what I’m going through.
Thanks Angela!
Hey Marilyn:
Just a little bit of added perspective…
I was kind of in the opposite place as you. As disappointed in my friend as I am, I can’t rightfully say that I didn’t play a part in wrecking it. As I stated above I went through some awful times. Three major problems crashed down on me all at once… and my friend’s slow distancing and withdrawal from the friendship was one of them. He too accused me of being negative and always focusing on negative things. In his case he might’ve been somewhat right, but what can you do, you know? You have problems, you want to go to your friends.
My point is… I wasn’t at my healthiest at that time, either. These days I’m really torn between how much of this was about me and how much was about him, and at the end of it all I find that it doesn’t really make any difference, because on way or another the damage has been done. It’s just that, when I solved the other two problems and then confronted my friend on the things HE was doing that were driving me crazy, after a while I got better. Things don’t stay the same. They change. And when your friend, IF your friend, ever realizes that she screwed up by going after this guy, chances are she will change as a result of that realization, too. And so if she changes yet is still no longer welcome in your life… what does that say, you know?
Christ, what a mess we all create, don’t we?
Joe:
It’s always helpful to hear a different perspective. Thanks. I understand what you’re saying. I can’t imagine her ever admitting she was wrong about ending our friendship, but let’s say that she did, why would I allow someone who kicked me to the curb as if I meant NOTHING to her, back into my life or my son’s life. My son would NOT stop asking about her for months and finally stopped. I could NEVER put him through that again and I could never look at her the same. I don’t feel I can trust her anymore nor do I respect who she’s become. So, maybe it seems evil of me not to forgive and forget, but she would absolutely deserve it and totally provoked it.
Thanks again.
The last time I wrote was on March 2, when I was feeling devastated over two long-time close friendships that seemed to be dying away. I’ve been following this blog since then, and reading everyone’s comments, and sharing in your feelings. It helps to know that we are not alone in the value that we all place on maintaining a close friendship. It’s not easy to find true friends and soul mates in this world, and I think all of us cherish those relationships when we are lucky enough to find them. I still cannot understand why everyone does not place the same value on this, and how they can just walk away from a friendship. But in the interest of my own sanity, I am finally learning to accept that, as Paige says, “THEY JUST CAN.” The “WHY” part of it ultimately doesn’t matter as much as accepting this simple fact. The bottom line is that if a friendship is no longer alive, in spite of my honest efforts to do what I can to keep it alive, then it is no longer good for ME to put valuable time and energy into it. Life is short, and people change. Sometimes that might mean that my close friends change and move on. . . . There is really nothing I can do about it! There are many other people to meet and become friends with, so I am learning to stop beating myself up and just LET GO. I have been working on this for the past few months and am feeling much stronger about it. The 8-year friendship I had mentioned has actually gotten better again. The 15-year friendship, which is the one I’ve been the most torn up about, has NOT gotten better; and if anything, it has gotten worse. In pulling back from my own efforts, I have found that this former friend rarely initiates contact any more and has allowed our special shared ritual — something I looked forward to several times a year for the last 15 years — to completely die. I have tried to ask her about it, but she always has some lame excuse. But instead of focusing on WHY this is happening, as I was doing before, now I realize that there is nothing more that I can do. So instead, I am focusing on what benefit I am getting from this relationship at this point in time. The answer is that I’m not getting ANYTHING out of it any more — not the joy of a shared ritual, not the intimacy of a confidant, not the fun of looking forward to spending time with a longtime friend. She’s not getting these things, either, but for whatever reason, she doesn’t care. It doesn’t matter why; she just doesn’t care. This friendship is no long good for her or for me, so I am LETTING GO! While this is terribly sad, it is also liberating to let go of the burden of guilt (that it’s my fault somehow) and anger (at her). Letting go doesn’t make our past special times any less special. I still have those memories, which in time I hope I will cherish.
Yeah. I have to agree. I thought my friendship was getting better too but it’s not. Back to the same old crap again. No initiation on his part, no real effort… it’s like I don’t exist.
I can’t do anything anymore. I tried. Maybe I played the greater part in screwing it up in the first place. Maybe he did. I don’t know. What does it matter? Reconcilliation requires the effort of two people, just as friendships do.
I don’t know if I’m going to post on this website again. I just hope that somewhere down the line I find some greater meaning to all of this, something that makes the disintegration of a once-precious friendship… worthwhile, somehow. Maybe I won’t. In that case I hope the pain eventually does fade altogether.
Good luck to all of you. And just remember that you aren’t nuts for feeling how you feel. From what I can tell most of us feel the same way.
It’s so good to read all of your replies, as it’s hard to find this kind of information and support, on the web, or even from other friends and family in my life.
One of my best friends for the last 6 years, who has been most like a sister to me in my life, and I began drifting apart about 8 months ago. She had been friends with me and my partner, and when my relationship ended, she assured both of us that she would still be friends with both of us. In the first few months after the breakup she stood by me valiantly, and as I healed and began to go out and have fun again, she sank into her own depression. Actually, she began dating a guy she’d had a years-long on-again, off-again relationship that always left her feeling miserable. She stopped calling any of her friends, or going out at all. I understood and figured she needed time; I’d call and make contact, ask her to go out, but shen she didn’t return my calls, I figured she was just dealing with this guy or feeling depressed. After a few months her and this guy broke up (again), and while I would have been more than heppy to return the favor of helping her through her breakup, she did not reach out to me at all, even as I tried to reach out to her, and while she reached out to our other friends. Since then she has been partying and going out with all our other mutual friends except me. I have absolutely no idea why, and it really only occurred to me that it had something specifically to do with me about one month ago, when she wsas very cold to me at a party after I hadn’t seen her for over a month. At first I was very sad, and now I’m extremely angry. I want to confront her, and ask why the cold shoulder, but I know I’ll have difficulty doing that without going off the handle. Suffice it to say, I am extremely upset over this cold shoulder, especially when she is still friends with all our other mutual friends, and I can’t think of a single thing I could have done to change that.
I have a friend of 20 years who I am sure is feeling the way many of the people on this site feel. I am dealing with the recent death of my father. She wasn’t supportive while I was caring for him when he was dying. She would call and never once asked how he was doing. When I tried to bring my father’s condition, she would change the subject. When he passed away, she was shocked. What did she think I was doing going back and forth to the hospital for 6 months? Following his death, she called incessantly. I wasn’t angy with her, but I needed some time to deal with my grief. I emailed her telling her, I would call when I felt like talking. She continues to call constantly and send angry emails. Is is so difficult to understand that I need some time to myself following my father’s death? I do have other friends I talk to, but they were the people that helped me and my family as we were struggling with my father’s illness. Maybe I am being selfish right now, but struggling to get my life in order. Caring for my dying father took a tremendous toll on me, I am exhausted. I missed a considerable amount of time from work and I am trying desperately to get caught up. I understand she is hurt because she feels she is losing a friendshp, but I am dealing with a death of a parent. Is it reasonable to want a few months to myself?
Please don’t feel bad Janet! You and your family have gone through and will continue to go through so much . . .the LAST thing you need to deal with is a selfish friend. . .because that’s what they are. . .selfish. It’s about them all the time. Rather than putting their own lack of confidence and self esteem aside, they force themselves on you so that you pay attention to them.
I get the feeling that you’re pretty satisfied and content with who you have around you now. Those are the folks you want to be in your life. Surround yourself with good, positive people. No one has to be your very ‘best friend’, but they should be somewhat reliable and caring. . .which I’m sure they are. Don’t let this person make you feel bad in any way. This is their unusual way of feeling guilty. . .they turn it around and blame you. Don’t even give them the satisfaction.
Stay strong and remember its about you, not them.
Hello,
I found this when looking for a site offering advice about friendships ending. I have reached the end of the road with one good frind who has been around for 5 years now. We shared the death of our father’s (within 6 months) and she was the person who I turned to when I split up with my last serious boyfriend. Lately (in a group of 4 close friends) I am the only one she snaps at, if I try to apologise about something she tells me that she does not want to hear it and the last time we met she had an antire conversation with me without looking me in the eye once.
I feel that I cannot continue to censor who I am in case it upsets her. I don’t know how to move forward without losing her.
I just recently broke off a friendship of 4 years in a way that is probably not nearly as civil as the rest. My husband and I were best friends with a couple, they were the Best Man and Matron of Honor in our wedding, we were close with each others families, we built our house a couple of miles down the road to be close. Not a day went by that we didn’t see each other or talk to each other. Then a couple of months ago the wife of the couple was at the bar drinking and got caught in a bad situation with another guy, what happened nobody really knows. None the less I found this hurtful to everyone involved, I questioned if our morals and values were the same as they were before. At first she called and told me a story, that later I found out to be false. Then when I told her that I did’nt approve she gradually started to distance herself from me. As things seemed to “blow over” they started to hang out a lot with the man she was caught with and his wife, saying that she did’nt want something stupid to ruin their friendship. Now my husband was being ignored by my best friends husband too, he never asked him to come over, or help with things like he used too. For months we went on with small talk, and she still said we were best friends and nothing would ever change that. But her actions spoke a different story. So this past weekend we were out having some drinks and they came in with the other couple. I said something to the husband to the effect of “Does my husband have to try to sleep with your wife for you to talk to him again” Needless to say this brought on a series of expletives, and they abruptly left. I am sad that I did that they way I did, but feel like for the last few months all they do is go out and drink (they have a young daughter that gets completely ignored, and spends most of her time in the bar or with drunk adults), and all morals have been thrown out the window. All they did was talk about themselves, never did either one ask if we were okay. I called every week just to see how things were going, and not once did she reciprocate. She is a selfish person, who treats her children terribly and lies and manipulates every situation to her advantage. These are things people have been trying to tell me for years, but I have ignored or been blind to. Now I feel like the most lonely person in the world. My husband completely supports me, which is wonderful. So now the problem is that we live in a small town, and have a small town bar that we both go to. I am nervous to show my face, or to see them around. How do I handle this????
Hi Crystal,
It sounds to me like you did nothing wrong. Perhaps things could have been phrased differently, but your message seems to say thatthis other couple changed – not you and your husband.
Keep your head high and try to find new people that are on your wavelength. No matter how lonely you may feel now, a manipulative ‘friend’ won’t help.
I read some of the posts since i was dealing with a similar situation where i felt that i should let go of a 3 year friendship.But what I realise is that while friendship is very important and we all need true and healthy relationships with people we still need to remain a since of self.By this I mean that we always define ourselves by external circumstances and people and neglect who we really are.In any relationship there should always be a level of awareness and independence.People will hurt you regardless of how close you are to them,people change and sometimes there is nothing you can do about.You cannot hold yourself responsible for the actions of others and although it is hard sometimes to deal with hurt feelings, the positive is situations like this allow us to step back and take a look at yourself.Everything is a matter of perspective and maybe some of us may have feelings of inadequacy and low self esteem which makes us think that we are to blame when things happen.My suggestion for anyone that has been hurt is to step back,evaluate the situation in order to know what you are dealing with,talk to the person and communicate your feelings if possible and then let go of the situation as hard as it might be.Use this as an opportunity to get to know you better,establish a level of self-awareness,get to know your strengths and weakness and continue or start to decorate your own soul instead of waiting for persons to bring you happiness.
Beautifully put and so right! Relationships, no matter what they are, should enhance your life not define it. Life is filled with bitter, hard lessons and its what you get out of it that truly matters.
Everyone, I have just sat here for over an hour reading all of these entries…absolutely amazing. You’re losing friendships that are 15, 20, and 30 years old, and I’m heartbroken about a friendship that is only 2 years old – I can’t imagine what you must be going through.
I’m in the military, (28 years old), and it’s hard to make friends as a female, and even harder to make those friendships last. But I met the most wonderful friend (she’s 32 years old) two years ago, the first day I got to my new duty station. We immediately hit it off and went out that very night. We have been the best of friends ever since, always able to make each other laugh when no one else could, sharing secrets and fears, sharing a passion for the same line of work, supporting each other in every way…she was like a sister!
Then she met a guy she fell in love with, and I was placed on the back-burner a little, which was ok. I understood that she was just really taken with him. Then I met a guy, too, and things were great; she and I were both happy and we were talking all the time on the phone, even if we weren’t getting together as much.
Then she and her guy started fighting all the time; she was calling me only when they were fighting and she even stayed over at my apartment a couple of times. I am friends with him, as well, so I was always fixing them back up. They were very on / off again for awhile, and then he proposed. That seemed to fix everything. So she and I started getting ready for her wedding (she asked me to be her Maid of Honor); we went gown shopping together, picked out all the stuff for the wedding, etc.
Right before the wedding, the relationship I’d been in for eight months ended. I was devastated – we’re talking DAYS before her wedding, and I’m sleeping on her couch because I don’t want to be in my apartment. This guy was even supposed to go to the wedding with me. But I pulled it together and went to Vegas alone. I hung out with my best friend and met her bridesmaids, one of which had just divorced out of an eight-year marriage and was getting ready to go to Iraq, so I found her very easy to talk to, just as my best friend had said I would. We all had a great time!
The night before her wedding she had arranged for all of us to go to a club in the hotel that was doing a 70′s night. So we all dressed up in 70′s attire and paid $45 per person and went to this club after we’d all just eaten dinner together. After we’d been at the club for about two hours, the bridesmaid who had just gone through the divorce asked me if I wanted to check out another club (we just weren’t into the 70s music). I debated and then went up to my best friend and asked her if she minded if this other girl and I went to check out this other club. She said not at all, go ahead. So we went to the other club.
I don’t know how it ended up happening, but the rest of the bridesmaids and groomsmen and most of the rest of the guests followed us up to the club. I had been drinking and was having a great time – it never dawned on me that if they were at that other club, then who was with my best friend and her fiancee? I didn’t invite them to come, and didn’t know they had followed us until we saw them in line outside the club way behind us. It was supposed to be just that one bridesmaid and me.
My best friend was horrible to us the next day, most especially to me. It took me forever to figure out why she was even upset. Once I did I apologized profusely and explained that it was never my intention to take everyone away from hanging out with her at the 70s club. She said some really horrible things to me and then yelled at all three of us (me and the two bridesmaids) – she wouldn’t let us help her with her gown or anything. The other two girls were balling their eyes out – I was in awe of how horribly she was behaving. I stayed for the wedding because I love her – I was so close to leaving. Then after the wedding, she seemed to be better and I thought we could get back on track. I chalked it up to nerves (although I was so freaked out by her behavior).
I had to leave for Iraq the next day. I ended up being gone for nearly two months. During that time, I called and emailed – the couple of times I got her on the phone, the conversation was strained. Her email responses were curt, or she didn’t respond at all. This was completely out of character for us. I knew things weren’t the same and figured we’d talk about it when I got back.
I called as soon as I got in and got her voicemail – she never called back. I finally had to call her at work, and she sounded very distant and non-committal. I tried to get her to go out to eat with me at one of our favorite hang-outs and she said she was very busy. I finally said look, I know we need to talk some more about what happened in Vegas. I’ve been gone to Iraq for almost two months and haven’t heard from you, so I knew there was something wrong. I said I know how upset you are and I know we may need to work on our friendship to get it back to where it was, but that’s what I want to do. She said that I high jacked her party and that no matter what, nothing could take that back. I apologized again and explained what happened. She said that she did not see us being friends anymore and while she would never be mean to me or rude to me, she couldn’t stand the thought of being around me. (That statement is both mean and rude, I later realized.)
I couldn’t believe it. I understood her being upset, but it’s not fair to have this rest on my shoulders. I could understand if I had simply left without saying a word, or if I had gone up to her and told her, “I’m leaving.” But instead I ASKED IF SHE MINDED if the two of us went to check out this other club, after I’d already hung out at the 70′s club for about two hours already! She said she didn’t mind! I did not ask anyone else to go with us! It just so happened that no one else was into the 70s music either and everyone followed us except for her fiancee’s parents and family. So she felt completely abandoned, and I totally understand that, but I NEVER would have gone to the other club if I thought that was going to be the case.
She is completely cold to me now. She just emailed me and asked that I bring some of her stuff that she lent me into the office for her and said she would leave my apartment key in my box. Just like that – everything that we’ve shared means nothing. I watched her walk away from another close friend whom she’d been friends with for many years prior after they had an argument, but I never thought she could do that to me. We were different, and I never attacked her. I never did anything to intentionally upset her on the night before her wedding.
I am devastated. I’m angry, too. I’m trying so hard to hold on to that anger for strength, but I’m mostly devastated. The things she said to my face the day of her wedding were horrible. But I wrote it off and still tried to pursue the friendship. After being in Iraq for almost two months, she never called or emailed to see how I was doing, and then the day I get back she tells me that she can’t stand the thought of being around me. She said it’s not just me; she said she is also writing off her other two bridesmaids, one of whom is her cousin.
Her husband pulled me aside at work one day and said how sorry he is and that he thinks she is being very childish over the whole thing. He said they’ve been fighting ever since they got married and he doesn’t know what to do. She even got so mad she called him while he was on a business trip and told him she wanted a divorce. He asked if I wanted him to talk to her for me, as I had talked to her for him so many times before. (He’s very sensitive – she’s more of the bully – always has been. So he’d come to me when they had fought and would ask me to calm her down enough to talk to him, etc.) I thanked him and said no – if our years of friendship aren’t enough to make her want to pursue things, then so be it. He said she is throwing all of her friends away over this and he’s already told her that it’s unhealthy for her to do that, but she’s stubborn and is holding on to her anger.
I’ve never had such a close friend during my adult life. My last best friend was in high school, and she moved away. My entire time in the military has been filled with good acquaintances, but not friends. She was the exception. The fact she can simply walk away from all we’ve shared is unbelievable to me.
The only thing that is getting me through this is the other people I’ve talked to telling me their opinions on this situation. I’m open to any comments or guidance on how to deal with this. My plan now is to just not email or call her and to simply take her items she requested back into the office. I feel like I’m quitting, but at the same time, I just don’t know what else to say.
Thanx for reading…I feel better after typing this.
Susan, what am I, chopped liver? I was never a “close friend?” We’re over then … JUST KIDDING!
I feel you, you’re friend is acting very immature for her age. I hope that it resolves itself in a positive manner, if not, it is her loss.
Something she’ll realize too late. It’s not like you slept with her husband.
Take care, Susan!
Schmavis
Hey everyone. I posted back on January 29 about my 5 year friendship that was changing, and I feared it would end. Four days after I wrote that, it did. I know it wasn’t as long of a friendship as some of you had experienced, but my best friend and I shared so much. Too much. Everything reminds me of her. Everywhere I go, it always is on my mind that I am angry with her for ending the friendship, or I am hurt, or I miss her. There was a story by Paige back in March. She is going through things like me. All I wanted was closure. But I got none over the summer. No explanations. Nothing. Just that the friendship was over. This person is dead to me now basically. And she has suddenly decided she wants to talk to me. Be friendly. How do you fix a broken heart? I feel pain everytime I just hear her name. How do I talk to her? Should I talk to her? I don’t know if I want to hear what she has to say. What do I do?
I am so glad to have found this site. My best friend of 20 years has just ended our friendship and I have come to the very painful conclusion that she was never my friend at all. She never truly cared for me and was always happy when things went bad for me.
I was always the one picking up the cheque, I was always the shoulder to cry on but if I ever needed anything she didn’t care. She was always jealous and envious of any successes or good fortune in my life. I would have to play down anything-good happening to me such as career successes, weight loss, romance, financial gains etc, because she would get mad. She would always put down my achievements, however if she was ever successful she would rub my face in it.
A couple of years ago my life went down hill, as will happen sometimes in all people’s lives. She wanted all the details but didn’t actually give any support. I was going through a very lonely time, and she would ring me up to tell me what a great time she was having with all her friends, and how it was great to have friends to go out for coffee with etc. When I would ask her how she was, she would say gooooood, really fabulous, life is really great etc etc. I realise now she was most probably deliberately rubbing salt in my wounds, and delighting in my downfall.
Anyway my life got better, a lot better! But, she wasn’t happy for me, and kept making jibes and bringing up my prior misfortunes and taking on this poor you attitude. Yet again, she was envious of my success, although she was happy to take advantage of my considerable financial gains, huge new house and beautiful pool, inviting herself, husband and children for weekends away. Telling her other friends that visiting me was like having her own private resort.
She has never worked much in her life, which is fine, but she has envied all I have worked for, and not crediting me for having earned all I have.
However recently she got a job for 4 hours a week at her daughter’s school helping the slower readers catch up. I have worked all my adult life until I started a family, I have had some very high powered jobs but I always respected that she didn’t like work, and wasn’t career orientated.
Well when she got this job I was thrilled for her, and she was very happy and satisfied doing it. However, then she started to talk down to me, saying that as I was a ‘stay at home’ mother I can not possibly understand about working. To put this in context she works 4 hours a week, and I yes I have put my career on hold to raise a family, but I am no vegetable. I have recently worked on a successful political campaign, I edit essays, I help in my husband’s business etc.
Now she has no time to talk to me, she doesn’t answer emails because she is so busy with her job. If I call her I get hurried off the phone, when once upon a time she would talk for hours. The last time I saw her was at my daughter’s birthday a few months ago and she was very scathing and hypercritical then. I rang her a couple of weeks ago to see if she wanted to get together and was coldly told that she is too busy with her work and her friends, and she would have to call me back. Well she didn’t ring back and I realised the friendship was over. I actually knew it in the phone conversation when I told her I have a new cell phone number and she said she couldn’t be bothered to get a pen and write it down.
To be discarded so unceremoniously, and so ungraciously hurts like hell, and you know, I think she meant it to hurt. I have come to realise that because of her insecurities and jealousy, that this is her revenge for every good thing that happened to me, that didn’t happen to her (mind you a lot of good things have happened to her). It feels like that now she has her career and new friends she can finally dump me.
My friend was always a very stingy mean person with money, and I have always dismissed it as being one of her character traits. But her meanness with money is a symptom to her meanness of spirit. An example of this is that when we were both pregnant. This was my first child and my cousin who lived a few states away sent me a huge box full of designer baby clothes. I can still remember how furious my friend was picking through the box saying ‘it’s not fair’, and ‘damm’, every time she pulled out an item that she coveted. Even me giving her some of the baby clothes didn’t make up for the fact that I got them in the first place. I now think of her face then distorted with rage at my good fortune, and try and focus upon it as a symbol for our entire friendship.
It hurts letting go of someone who you have shared so much with, but letting go is what I have to do. You see I know that soon she will be ringing up (especially when the weather gets warmer) and wanting to bring her family down to stay at my house (we live in a tourist area I might add). When I get that phone call I want to be strong enough to say no. When she reopens the door of our friendship (and she will) I want to realise that I am doing the right thing by shutting it in her face.
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Loosing a friend of so many years hurts, but I am trying to convince myself that I am loosing lots of future disappointment, put downs, and pain.
Hey, Cheyenne. You’re still feeling this pain after 11 months. I’m still feeling the pain of my lost friendship after 5 months. I had to work with my ex-friend the other day for the first time…we spent the whole day together and it was like we tried to simply keep it cordial, but we couldn’t help but to crack eachother up. We’d see something or hear something and we’d look at eachother and just start laughing because it reminded us of some inside joke. It was bittersweet, but almost back to normal. So I thought. I saw her a few days later and said hi and she was very distant and barely spoke. Now I’m damn confused, and totally baffled at how badly this hurts. It’s a whole different hurt than what is brought on by the ending of a relationship with a guy, but strangely similar at the same time. I realized that no matter what, I could never trust her again – things would never be the same. I would never know when she is going to flip-flop like this again. So you can talk to your friend, maybe get on decent terms with her on the surface, but keep this in mind…how much do you want to invest of yourself toward a friendship that you know you could never trust again? It’s a hard pill to swallow…and it breaks my heart. My friendship was only two years, yours was five years, but others on this site are at 20-plus years. I can’t imagine how they must feel…how many memories and inside jokes and tears were shared in that span of time. Let’s count ourselves as lucky, Cheyenne, that we figured this out early.
Hi Susan, I think that loosing a friend of two years can be equally painful as loosing one of 20 years, especially as there was so much emotional investment in the friendship.
It sounds like your friend is similar to mine in that she values friends on the basis of what they can do for her, and she is very unforgiving of any errors (real or perceived).
I don’t see how she can blame you for what happened before her wedding. She should have appreciated that you were there given that you had so recently suffered such a devastating break up with your boyfriend. She obviously has very high expectations of friendship, and by what you are saying, she is more of a taker than a giver. I would guess that many of her relationships are uneven in this way.
I was also matron of honour at my friend’s wedding as she was at mine. She was so horrible to me on her wedding day and treated my like some sort of useless servant. When the make up artist came to do make up she wouldn’t allow her to do mine or the other bridesmaids’ make up, and when we tried to do our make up in a cracked mirror in the laundry, she berated us for not caring and fussing around her. Every time I told her how beautiful she looked, she would look at me proudly and criticise something about my appearance, saying that the dress didn’t fit me properly, or that I could have done a better job on my hair, and did I realise there were going to be photos. Like you, I attributed this over the top behaviour to nerves and wedding stress, but really there have been too many similar incidents in our relationship, it seems like she was always criticising me and I was always complimenting her, like in some way I had to atone for something.
The reason the friendship lasted so long was because when it was good it was very good, lots and lots of fun times, the feeling of closeness, the familiarity and the shared life experiences of 20 years.
The fact that your friend was so friendly when you were working together recently, and then cut you out a few short days later would seem to me she is messing with your mind and playing power games. The fact that she didn’t even care when you went to Iraq (which is not the safest place on the planet to be) shows that she is most probably a very self absorbed and selfish individual, and is obviously not worthy of your friendship.
I know my friend will change her mind about ending the friendship as soon as it is expedient for her to restart the relationship. This is because she is a user; she has always used me and always will. My decision will be do I let her back in, this is a tough one to make as she has known me since we were young teens, and she has witnessed my life as I have witnessed hers. But I think this has been an abusive relationship, I can’t remember one ungrudging compliment, but I can remember lots of criticism. I can’t remember one time when she was honestly happy for a good thing to happen to me, but I can remember being made to feel guilty very often. I can’t remember when she has said ‘I’ll pick up the bill for lunch’, but I can remember me doing it lots of times.
My guess would be that your friend will at some stage want to mend your friendship again, as soon as there is some hole in her life that you can fill, so you may also have to make the decision about whether you let her back into your life also.
Cheyenne, it sounds as if you are already at the stage of having a friend who has abandoned you who wants to make up again, I wish you luck with your decision, it is a very difficult one to make.
I too have posted in the past. . . I recently lost a 20 year old friendship too. I love reading all the postings!
We’ve all been pitchers and we’ve all been catchers in the game of friendship and learned to deal with both good games and the bad ones. But what’s hard to deal with is a friend who refuses to accept change. You are expected to accept their life alterations, but when your life changes, it’s a no-go.
Without delving into my awful situation, I firmly believe people enter and exit your life for a reason. After reading Lane’s posting, it would be a complete blessing if that person exit your life and area for good. There are so many bad things in this world already, why add to it with negative friends. She’s obviously selfish and childish. What’s the point? If something or someone doesn’t make you feel good, there’s no reason to keep it/them in your life. This person is obviously unhappy and wants company in her miserable life. You know what they say. . misery likes company. You sound like you have a good life with alot to offer. There are some fantastic people out there who you are destined to become friends with. Let go of what hurts and get to what makes you feel good. Friendship, or any type of relationship for that matter, is a direct extension of you. Keep your thoughts and your circle positive always.
I have always tried to be a good friend. I think I’ve done a pretty good job as I still have pals since childhood, except for one. I could never do enough or be enough. I couldn’t be all and end all for this person. . .frankly, I wasn’t born just to be her friend (although she might differ). Unfortunately, I hurt her, but it was for the best. There are just some people who can’t get enough of your energy and you have to cut off its supply.
Stay positive. . .look how many cool people there are out there. . most of which are on this site!
Hi Angela,
I have enjoyed reading all your posts on this site, you make some very insightful points.
I absolutely agree I would be better off without her, but it is difficult, 20 years is a long time. I think that what hurts most is that now she is happy, she no longer has any use for me. She has her new friends and her job and she has very callously dropped me from her life, like I am no longer good enough for her. It feels as if I have been punished for all her envy and jealousy over the years. Mind you it’s not like she has had a bad life or anything like that, but I have come to realise her meanness of spirit does not enable her to feel happy for others. It is like because she has been jealous of me for so long, she wants me to be jealous of her, but I’m not, I’m happy for her, and really pleased that she has found a life that now fulfils her and for some reason this has made her angry.
I have come to realise that this relationship has been wrong probably from the start. And the fact I have invested so much time energy and love into someone that just used and abused me for so long is worrying.
In a way there is a little (very little) feeling of relief that she has made the break, however knowing her as I do in a couple of months or so, she will change her mind. When it is expedient for her to renew this friendship she will try to. What do I do then?
One big problem is that her husband and mine have become friends too over the years. And while her husband pretty much now does what she tells him to do (it wasn’t always this way but when they had kids he went under her thumb), he may start wanting her to get in contact again. When the weather gets warmer and he wants a weekend away, or when he wants to go on a bike ride with someone he will want her to ring (he is something of a taker too). If it suits her, she will ring and when she does I know my husband will put pressure on me to have her back in my life so he can keep up his friendship with her husband. If I close the door on her, my husband will blame me for his loss of friendship, but if I let her back in she will no doubt just use me up again and dump me again. And I will be left feeling the way I am now, and to be quite frank, I want to do all my grieving now, and then go on with my life and leave her in the past. I don’t want her to hurt me anymore.
She has given me far too much pain over the years, and I am not sure that the good times outweigh all the; put downs, let downs, meanness, lack of support, envy, jealousy, lack of care, laziness, making me feel like crap, negative comments about my daughter, making me pay for everything and never saying thank you, stinginess, always taking and never giving, making me feel like I was a bad person, never complementing, never trying to make me feel good about myself, always making me feel bad about myself.
Actually writing that last sentence was rather cathartic, I have never once articulated all the negative things she does. For 20 years I have just gone with the flow and rolled with the emotional punches thrown by my ‘best friend’.
I hope she doesn’t reconsider ending this friendship, because I am starting to think that dumping me was probably the only positive thing she has ever done for me.
Lane, you know what you’re dealing with here. Do not feel bad for closing the door on someone like this. This is serious. . . this is a cruel and harsh person and an aura you do not need around especially your children. As for your husband, he needs to understand your feelings. If he doesn’t, than he can just go golfing with that woman’s husband. You shouldn’t have this kind of negative energy in your home.
Eveything will turn out to be just fine. Time heals all wounds. Stop feeling guilty. Learn to feel good about yourself and your decisions.. .its the only way to keep her where she belongs. Its your own need of her that allows her to do this to you. Like any relationship in your life, if you allow people to treat you a certain way, they will. It’s very sad but true.
Sometimes the longer friendships, just become familiar friends. There’s certainly a history, but it doesn’t mean you have anything in common anymore. Again, change enters the picture bringing new feelings and ideas. I think you know those new friends of hers are not really friends. These are the people that make her feel good about herself. When she’s with you, she doesn’t feel superior. . .she feels less than adequate and her actions are making you feel somewhat insecure making you second guess yourself. No Way!! Don’t fall into it!
It’s sad that there are some ‘friends’ out there that make you feel like crap all the time. Just remember its their own crap their spilling all over you. Stay strong and move forward!
I’m sorry for the ranting and long, drawn out sentences, but I feel so strong about keeping positive energy around you. She just sounds so terrible. . .I can’t imagine dealing with that for more than a day!
Thanks Angela, you are soooo right. I know I have to let go. It is difficult because I have cared about her for so long, and to just switch off is hard, but it’s what I have to do. Posting here has been so therapeutic, and your advice has been very helpful.
When you wrote about her being harsh and cruel, I had to stop and think, and you are right but I hadn’t quite looked at her actions in that manner before. This is something of a revelation for me. Because she is soft spoken, and talks very slowly, lives in the country, dresses like an earth mother and is a vegetarian, she has always sold me on the idea that she is the nice one and I was the career minded city bitch. But I always like people to feel better about themselves, she always puts them down. I am thrilled when good things happen to my friends, she gets angry. I always give to people, she always takes from them.
She doesn’t care when people get sick, she doesn’t care when people die. When her father in law died suddenly a few years ago, (and he was a very sweet man), she was so unfeeling to her husband, and complained that he was just so down and depressed all the time, and didn’t care about her needs. She actually went on holiday not long after the funeral, and left him alone. She avoided her mother in law (who is also a very sweet woman and has been incredibly supportive to her for years) because she said she was depressing to be around.
She also lets her children believe they are getting certain toys for Christmas, and then doesn’t give them to them. When one of her new friends got divorced just recently she got all the details but then left her friend alone. With my friend, it is all about what people can do for her, and she never does anything for anyone else.
Mind you, she says she is really sensitive and caring, and feels things very deeply. When the tsunami hit Indonesia, she said that she was very upset, and then said she had post traumatic stress disorder from watching it on the news. I now realise she was just making a horrific disaster that happened to other people all about her.
One day we were all swimming in our pool and my daughter got stung by a bee, this was the first time she has ever being stung by anything, and she was hysterically terrified because she has an insect phobia, and as her uncles are allergic to bees, from conversations she has heard about bees she erroneously though she was going to die. I rushed her up to the house and treated the sting and calmed her down and reassured her she was not going to die. And do you know what my friend and her two children did, they just kept swimming and came up to the house about a half hour later. Also she said to me that allergies to bees are hereditary and that I should watch that my daughter didn’t have an allergic reaction. I already knew this, but she had just kept swimming with this knowledge and not bothered to get out of the pool and tell me.
You are right about the negative energy, when they come for a visit and leave, I am so drained, depressed, up tight and often angry and so are my family. Their kids have started to treat my daughter terribly, they constantly are telling tales about her, not playing with her, breaking her toys, excluding her and screaming at her. They treat her like she is dirt and not as good as them, and I have the feeling they have picked up this attitude from their parents.
One visit my daughter had just got a new toy which she was sharing with them, their boy was not letting her have her turn, and in the end a squabble broke out as she insisted on having her turn. My friend’s husband took the toy away from her when she was about to have her turn and put it away. Then later he and my husband went out, and while they were out he went and brought the same toy for his kids and gave it to his kids and I can’t remember the exact words but he implied that my daughter was selfish and spoilt and didn’t know how to share, and it wasn’t fair that she had more toys than them.
Actually, up until the last couple of years we were all on roughly the same income, but they hardly ever brought their kids anything, a lot of the toys they have were given by us or other people. She always made me feel guilty because my daughter had more toys than her kids did, but isn’t that her fault for not buying them any? It’s not like they don’t have the money.
Also if she doesn’t approve of a toy such as a Bratz doll, she makes it ‘disappear’ and her child is left hunting for it and grieving over it’s loss. I always ask what should I buy them for Christmas and birthdays because I have seen so many toys ‘disappear’ over the years. Sometimes her disapproval of a toy will start after they have had it for some time.
She doesn’t get any joy out of giving, I remember just before one Christmas I said to her I couldn’t wait till Christmas morning, and she said that she didn’t care as she already knew what she was getting! When I explained that I was talking about watching my daughter opening her presents, she couldn’t understand that I was getting excited about giving something to someone else. And that I was more interested in the presents I was getting other people than the presents I would be receiving.
You are also right about the new friends making her feel superior. Because their kids go to the school she is now working at, she gets to lord it over them, and as a staff member of the school is able to be in a perceived position of power over them and their children. She has developed that authoritarian ‘I am better than you’ attitude that some teachers have.
I have internalised too much of her negativity over the years. I think I have believed her bad opinion about me too many times. She has taken my love and loyalty and spat them back as hate and disloyalty, and I have been too blind to see it. She is like a sweet syrup that initially tastes nice but leaves you feeling sick. I just hope that when she makes contact again, I will have the strength to say no, and I hope that my husband will support me and realise this relationship is toxic to all of us.
You will find yourself going through a few different phases before you feel secure enough to speak to this person. First, you’ll go through the painful part (like now) where you’re just coming to terms with who she really is, then you’ll get angry. . really angry and then you’ll feel sorry for her. Hopefully, she won’t try to contact you until you’ve gone through the stages. By then, nothing can penetrate the negative-free vortex.
Always remember that the people you chose to have around you should add to your own happiness, not take away from it. No one is asking for Mother Teresa as a friend, but how about someone who is genuinely content in their own lives and can emit that radiance outward. We all suffer from mood swings, but I can’t remember a time when I didn’t wish my friends/acquaintances well.
When this person is ready to call you (and she will), remember that its OK to think of yourself. . your own well being.
Hi Angela,
Thank you so much for all your advice, it has been really helpful. Posting here has been extremely beneficial, as I have never once before articulated (or realised) all the negativity she has projected towards me over the years.
The shock of being dumped so unceremoniously after 20 years has been replaced with the pain of realising that this has been a very bad friendship right from the start.
I now know she is a very limited and shallow person who plays at being sensitive and spiritual. I have been used and abused and made to feel bad about myself for too long. I am sick of the criticism, lack of acceptance, selfishness and just plain nastiness. The fact is that when her life started to go the way she wanted, she no longer wanted me in it. This is because she never cared for me, I was just there to be used and then discarded when my usefulness was over. She was kind to me at her convenience.
Unfortunately, I know that she will make contact with me as soon as she has found another use for me. I hope it will be some time before she does though, because I need to do some serious soul searching as to why I kept myself so blind for so long to what was a very abusive relationship.
I must admit though, that along with the hurt and pain I am now feeling, there is also a growing feeling of relief, and I think that before long I will be more than a little glad that this ‘friendship’ is over for good.
Wow, it seems this post generated a lot of good feedback from people. I was searching for information on handling jealousy with a friend and found this site.
I have a dear friend who I’ve known for about 8 years. We met working for a local non-profit and became good friends. The friendship became stronger when first I left and she left the job for more satisfying opportunities. We supported each other while job searching and through a myriad of family and financial crisis.
She was divorced with 2 teens and I was single with no children of my own though I’d spent a lot of years as a foster parent for a number of children. We shared common interest and she had a wonderful spirit that I connected to.
I was dating a lot and one day met a wonderful man that I felt was the one. We got engaged quickly, moved in together a year after we met and got married two years after we met. My friend was my maid of honor.
My friendships remained an important part of my life and I would never consider abandoning them like some women do because I was now married. My friendships balanced my life beautifully and were valueable to me.
My friend, by this time hadn’t been dating much and was getting concerned that she wouldn’t find someone like I had. I reassured her that the right person would come. 6 months after I met my husband she was set up on a blind date with a guy who she really liked. There relationship took off quickly. As couples we did lots of fun things together and really enjoyed each others company until things started to shift with her and her man. Behavior that was like a flaming red flag to me, she brushed off. He’d moved in with her and her two teens and after a very short time starting talking about his legal right to the equity in her home now that he was co-habitating with her. He never consistently helped with bills, had lots of debt and soon convinced her to pull equity out of her home. Not once but twice. Me and another friend talked honestly with her about what we saw happening and though she spoke big about her plans to step back from the relationship she wouldn’t leave him.
Me and the other friend had invested so much time hearing about the problems with him and talking with her about possible courses of action, like always, she talked a good game but could not summons the courage to honestly deal with her failing relationship.
The final straw for me came when in one weekend she learned everything she needed to know to gather the courage to leave and still couldn’t manage to. One thing that he agreed to take care of was their medical insurance. He paid sometimes but most of the time she had to. By the way, she gave up spousal support when he moved in with her that was about 65-70% of her income.
Bottom line, her son was in a serious motorcycle accident and when they took him to the emergency room, she learned that her insurance had been canceled because he hadn’t paid it though he said he did.
Later that day she learned from his siblings that he’d had a history of taking advantage of women and she was a classic case. Indeed she was. She had no money, was facing bankruptcy and had been duped by this man on a huge scale!
She’d allowed her man to stay in her home but according to her the relationship was over. I’d made a decision to stay well away from the boyfriend issues because she was clearly at a point that she didn’t want to address them and I didn’t want to be pulled into the drama any longer.
I loved her and knew as a mid-forties woman that most of her decisions about him had been fairly naive but I wasn’t going to abandon her. My husband and I gave her a substantial loan to manage the basics for a few months and though she wasn’t qualified, hired her to work for his company that was very successful. I worked for my husband as well. She and I hadn’t worked together in a long time and everyone who works for him really works hard. He has a talented, fun staff and we all get along well.
Suddenly the green eyed devil in her started peaking out. I wish my man would do what your man does for you. Oh, you and your man went wine tasting? I wish my man would take me out like he use to. Oh, your husband told me you’re thinking about a vacation home. I admire that you have a man that can plan a life with you… on, on and on. Now, these words alone don’t suggest jealously but this kind of language over a long period starts to suggest that someone envy’s what you have. We have never been the kind of people who brag, boost or go on about what we have, etc, etc. but I started to feel that she was dumping her shit on me.
I had a strong conversation with her two weeks ago when she decided to come to work with a bit of the drama. I explained to her that my husband and I do not bring our problems to work and that I wasn’t going to deal with her problems here either. That we loved her but were not responsible for everything that was going on in her life and that all we’ve tried to be is true friends to her.
I think she got but I’m not really sure she did which is her pattern it seems.
We dont’ get to choose family but friendships have been at our discretion and that is a wonderful feeling. So, losing someone you choose is hard but, having been a good friend at every turn doesn’t mean I will every be anyone’s doormat or wacking post.
My sister always says, “You married well.” My husband is so good to me, so supportive of my goals and accomplishments. He is highly successful and remarkably rounded. When I got married some women I knew were openly jealous and that didn’t surprise me so much but I never expected my very best friend would ever feel anything but happiness for me because God knows, I was due some. A true friend will always want to see you happy.
I always have a place in my heart for her but the connection that sparked this friendship is over because I now know what lies under the surface with her.
I am so glad I found this site! I really felt like I was alone in going through this mourning and trying to understand the end of a friendhsp and move on. The thing that hurt sooo much bout my defunct friendship was that this former friend of mine was one of the most welcoming people I had ever met and we had so much in common, both are from a foreign country and we were both expecting our first baby three years ago. She really was so happy to have met me, was new in town. I introduced her to all my friends, most of whom were also expecting babies and it was all good and fun. She wrote cards about being sooo thankful for our friendship. We were both happily anticipating having babies, went shopping together, confiding in each other, called each other all the time, e-mailed, attending baby classes together. She was having a really rough time with her husband’s ex and I listened patiently to her endless complaints about this woman and the children from her husband’s former marriage. I had some issues of my own too, with in-laws and a sick relative, but we shared the good and the bad naturally, as good friends. We both then had our babies – and she had a really rough time after the delivery and I was always there for her, being really supportive, coming by to bring her things she needed, like food, baby items, as she could not leave the house for months, and keep her company. We talked every day and shared all of the new things that come with having babies. Then, things got more complicated with my in-laws and I went through a stressful time. But, we were there for each other, but I made sure not to burden her – minimizing what was happening in my life. We had a nice party at her house with other friends and made plans to get together for Christmas, but these plans were abruptly canceled. Shortly after that came my daughter’s first birthday, to which I invited her and she declined, rather coldly. I was incredulous as she always loved my daughter so much, like I loved her son. I tried calling her and persuade her (perhaps a dumb thing to do), to please come with her son and husband, as we really were such big parts of each other’s lives, and then everything went dead quiet. She did not even send a b-day card to my daughter – nothing. No phone calls were returned, nor e-mails and I was very disappointed. I have many friends and never had been treated like this before by a friend. I was dumbfounded and angry. I had already, during Christmas time, shopped around for her son, anticipating that they would come to see my daughter on her birthday and we her son on his b-day. So, I already had presents for her son. A few weeks afer my daughter’s birthday, I tried to contact her and tell her that I would drop off the present but was told I could not come by. She had invited all our mutual friends with their babies, except for us! I found out through the grapevine. That really hurt…. I received an ice-cold e-mail not to bring by the b-day present to her house but to bring it to an upcoming lunch with mutual friends….I was really upset and gave the presents to a co-worker whose child was the same age. I thought that was the end of seeing or dealing with her. I was done with her. Then, through other friends, I found out that she was trying to connect to them more and more, but leave me out on purpose at gatherings. My other friends luckily stood up for me and insisted to her that I and my daughter (we all have babies) be included in all events that are planned together. They were all upset with her for treating me this way and knew the story…but also liked her. Little do they know…. I have asked her by e-mail or phone to explain to me what her problem is. She once responded very strangely that it was “radio silence” and that she was upset about hearing about my problems – whereas I had listened for eons to hers, took care of her for months and always talked about fun stuff too…whatever. I absolutely had no idea what she was talking about as we were always so friendly. I usually can figure people out pretty well, but she really had me fooled. She knew no one when she came to town, latched on to me and dumped me after I introduced her to all my friends with their babies. Then, a relative died and she knew about it, yet, on top of my grief, chose to speak ill of me and again tried to exclude me from our group. I have never met a person who seemed so kind and cruel at the same time. She is so charming that she still has many of my friends fooled. Because we are in the same babygroup together and have all htese mutual friends, I unfortunately still have to deal with her. Her husband, who always really liked us, never says a word to me anymore. When it is my turn to invite everyone at my house – she always turns down the invitation, leaving all of us uncomfortable. She makes sure that everyone knows she’s rejecting my presence. We are all between 35 and 45 and this situation is worse than high school. It’s vicious, mean and the fact that she’s a continued presence in my life really bothers me. Any suggestions? This has been one of the most hurtful experiences of my life. I also feel bad that she’s trying to hurt my daughter’s feelings as time goes on by trying to exclude her from being with her little friends, i.e., my friends’ kids? Has anyone had this kind of an experience? This is the weirdest thing….I wish I never met her.
Louisa
Hi Louisa,
You are right this is school ground stuff, and the behaviour you have described by this woman is classic bullying. She is actively excluding and isolating you and your daughter from your social group. This is how schoolgirls bully, and unfortunately some grown women use these methods as well.
I had a similar situation with a woman I met in my anti natal class. It was almost like she wanted to get into my life, and my friendship groups and then push me out. I was lucky in that my friends didn’t particularly care for her (she wasn’t that charming) and I was able to get her out of my life with relative ease. Also I wasn’t all that attached to her either, so to extract my self was painless.
Your situation is a little different in that you have been emotionally attached to your ‘friend’. Going by what you have told me I would say that like a lot of people with no friends, she has attached herself limpet like to you, and drained you of all your social contacts and then now she has grown bored with you she wants to move on. You may find she will repeat this pattern of behaviour.
Another possible cause for her behaviour could be jealousy. If your daughter is developing faster than her son, she could have a hidden competitive streak that compels her to treat you and your daughter in this dreadful manner. I know it sounds over the top but some parents can be almost psychopathically competitive when it comes to their children, and if your child is advancing through developmental stages faster than her son, this could be enough to make her despise you both, regardless of the loyal and true friendship you have given her.
Another reason why she may have done this to you is that she has accidentally told you something she doesn’t want you to know, and now she perhaps feels uncomfortable around you. She may even want to discredit you and shut you off from your friends in case you ‘spill the beans’.
Something similar happened to a friend of mine, when she was friends with one of the school mothers at her child’s school. This woman told her a dreadful secret and not long after that my friend noticed all the other school mothers stopped talking to her, and isolating her and excluding her and her child.
She found out much later that her ‘friend’ and her friend’s husband (the dreadful secret had been about him), had been spreading awful rumours about her in order to discredit her just in case she told anyone the secret. Also anything my friend ever said about anyone no matter how benign was exaggerated and told to that person to further lessen her credibility. They eventually did so much damage to her reputation that she was forced to change schools. And even then they wouldn’t leave her alone, they engaged in almost stalking like behaviour, and she eventually had to move out of the area. This woman and her husband were also very charming people.
Anyway what ever her reason for her appalling behaviour, I would suggest that you need to disengage from this woman immediately, and you also need to let the others in your social network know exactly what has gone on. What you have written here is an excellent summing up. You don’t know what this woman has said about you and you need to get your story out there, otherwise she my attempt to sully your reputation in an attempt to exonerate herself for dumping you.
I can fully understand that you wish you had never met her. Unfortunately there are poisonous people out there who’s friendship only ends up robbing us.
Hi Lane,
Thank you so much for your insightfullness about my situation and your story and that of your friend, and your advice. I will take it to heart. It really helped me in gaining some perspective. What happened to you and your friend is absolutely awful and some people really are poinonous who, like you said so, well, rob us. I believe that you are correct in that my former friend is afraid I will spill the beans about her husband’s “secret”. Her husband was previously married with twins when he left his wife for my former friend to marry her. My former friend does not want anyone to know that he has kids from a former marriage or that he left his family for her and no longer sees those kids. Everyone in our baby group believes that there’s only the two kids they recently had; none of them know about the two other boys in Colorado, except for me.
I did tell some of my friends about how she had treated me, but never told her secret, but, like you are saying, she still may be afraid that I will. I believe she is afraid she will be judged by the others for their refusal to have anything to do with the kids of the ex. I do not judge people, as I am not in their shoes, though I always felt very sorry for those twins, who never get to see their father anymore, but I never expressed that to her. The way she explained it at the time, is that the ex made it impossible for them to have normal contact with his children.
One more thing – my baby was really cute right when she was born and everyone commmented on it – which is flattering, but I never gloated about it and I find all babies beautiful. Well, her son wasn’t so cute when he was born, and she was very vocal about it. The first thing she said when he was born was “why isn’t he cute like your daughter?”. She was very uncomfortable with how he looked. I told her that he was beautiful and that, right after birth, babies go through lots of changes and that he would be gorgeous – and that turned out to be true but it took a little while for his skull to adjust, etc. His head was temporarily very elongated, which happens to lots of babies. She may have been really jealous for a while, though – because of all the comments about my daughter. I never thought about that at the time, but it may have really bothered her.
In any event, I am not the vengeful type and I would not lower myself to her level. I have, however, told several of my friends how she had treated me, and they are a bit more cautious, though still very charmed by her because she knows how to get under people’s skin with tons of compliments, elaborate parties, etc. She is a marketing/PR expert and really knows how to win people over, and really charming, like the couple who drove your friend out of town. I have a feeling my former friend has been talking badly about me as some of the mothers in my group, mostly friends of her, have always kind of kept their distance from me. Now that they’re finding out that I am actually a nice person, loyal and helpful friend and that my daughter is so sweet, they are coming closer to me and asking questions about the other friend’s behaviour. I just tell them we drifted apart after she suddenly cut off all contact, and that now, because of our mutual friends, we are just part of the same group. I did tell them she made me feel like a pariah and even make jokes about it, to ease the discomfort for others and myself.
This awful woman actually went as far as making me apply officially to our foreign baby group so that I could “officially” become a member. I was furious. I already knew everyone, we already got together, but she had started this new website and only I had to officially apply – not the others. She had it all worked out behind my back with the others, who desperately wanted me included. I felt so humiliated and considered not “officially” joining, but my poor uncomfortable friends urged me to do it, just to have me be part of it. Now, my former friend feels victorious and in control of the group as she controls the site, etc. I luckily have two really good long-time friends in the group who are definetely more on my side. I can’t do much, other than avoid her like the plague. I hate having her in my life. They tell me I should show up if parties are thrown at her place for our group, even though she snubs my invitations. I don’t really feel like going to a place where I’m not welcome, but my friends say it will increase tension if I don’t show up. Do I have to be the better and wiser person? That’s the big question. It’s all really awful and uncomfortable. I know I never want to be friends with her again after all she put me through. She’s poionous, like you said and sooo coldhearted.
Thank you so much for your reply. It was very kind and insightful. Should I attend gatherings at her house or not? What do you think?
I really wish she would just move out of town….
Warms,
Louisa
Louisa. . .I visit this site myself time to time and read your posting. How long did you know this person before she told you about her husband and his past?
Hi Louisa
Wow your friend and her husband sound like a real toxic pair.
If he is so hard hearted that he can turn his back on one family, then he is most likely to turn his back on another. If she was the cause of the break up of the marriage then she is very foolish because as the old saying goes ‘If he leaves his wife for you, he will leave you for another’.
I knew someone many years ago who pursued a much older married man for years. She was absolutely determined to break up the marriage and in the end she did. The family was absolutely devastated, and she didn’t care, she was absolutely victorious and proud in winning ‘her man’. She thought it funny and was very scornful that his former wife and children were in therapy.
Anyone who could be so cruel to other human beings is not a good person to be around.
I am shocked that your friend could be so critical of her own baby. You are right all babies are beautiful, especially to their mothers. Does she think her baby is some sort of fashion accessory that has to look good for her?
Actually, the ‘best friend’ I have referred to in previous posts rejected her second child. She was determined she was having a girl, even though everyone including the doctors told her it was most probably a boy. She was desperate to have another daughter because her sister had two daughters and she wanted the same. When he was born and was a boy she rejected him, when we came to visit in the hospital, she was calling him ‘it’ and complaining about feeding him and refused to allow him to be named. He didn’t get his name until over a week after he was born. I know with post partum depression mothers can reject their babies, but this was different, she refused him because she had a pre-conceived idea as to how she wanted her family, and he didn’t fit in.
It has taken me years to work this out; but how people treat others is a pretty good indicator on how they will treat you. If they gossip about their friends, they will gossip about you. If they are disloyal to people, they will be disloyal to you. If they are uncaring, inconsiderate, selfish and mean with others they will be the same with you. This is something that I have really come to internalise recently as I have been processing my own break up. I should not have been surprised at being treated so badly by my friend of 20 years, because I have never truly seen her be a good friend to anyone else. She is a taker, and she takes from everyone.
Concerning whether or not you should turn up to this woman’s place, it is really up to you and what you feel comfortable with. My own personal view is that if I was not welcome or comfortable somewhere then I wouldn’t go – life is too short to deliberately go somewhere that makes you miserable.
Also if you are around her it will just give her more of an excuse to keep victimising you. If you are not there in her face or in her life, she will turn on someone else, people like this usually repeat patterns.
If your friends are uncomfortable with the fact you are not there, explain to them, (as you have so eloquently explained here), exactly why you are unable to attend gatherings at her house. If you are having trouble verbalising your feelings, get them to read your posts here. Although only do this if you are comfortable enough in your relationship with these friends.
I got my husband to read what I had written here because I was worried that when my ‘friend’ tries to reinstate the friendship, he will put pressure on me to have her back in my life so he can continue with his friendship with her husband. I got him to read what I had written here as it best expressed what I felt. When he had read it he said that he hadn’t looked at the relationship like that before, and that seeing all the issues spelt out like that made it clear to him that we should not have these people in our lives anymore, as they were clearly bad for all of us.
For what it’s worth, my advice is that you need to distance yourself as much as possible from this person. She is bad for you and she is bad for your daughter. Think of her as a cancer that you have to cut out of your life. If you can, try to work on relationships outside this group, make friends with people who she doesn’t know and will never meet. What ever you do though, do not attend the same school as this woman. The misery she is causing you now would be nothing compared to what she would be able to do to you in a school environment.
Hope this helps
Lane
Hi Angela,
I thought you might be interested to know that as predicted my ‘friend’ has been trying to contact me. Since the weekend she has tried a few times to ring me. We have caller ID and no answer machine so I have not picked up any of her calls but just let them ring out.
I know this is probably cowardly but I do not feel I am able to talk to her.
It has been almost five weeks since she ended the friendship, and in that time I have had a lot of time to think about our relationship, and I am pretty sure I don’t want it to continue. However, I don’t know if this is truly how I feel, or whether I am just still angry and hurt.
I don’t want to pick up the phone as I will either pretend that it didn’t happen, or I will have to confront her, and I don’t feel ready for that. In fact, the way I feel now is that I don’t ever want a dramatic confrontation where I tell her exactly what she has done, I just want to avoid her till she gets the hint.
I am ambiguous about the fact that she has tried to make contact only a few short weeks after ending our friendship. Strangely enough I sort of feel that this shows a lack of backbone, if she is tired of me as a friend that is her choice, but can’t she just stick to her decision. It has also made me uncertain that I am making the right decision in not wanting her back. Part of me wishes she had waited longer before she rang, so I had time to get my head together. However, another part of me is glad she rang, as subconsciously I think I was waiting for that call so the ball would be back in my court.
I don’t know if I should pick up the phone or not the next time she rings. I actually don’t want to, but I don’t know if this is the right thing to do. She has no other way of contacting me as she refused to write down my new cell phone number and as we changed our ISP a couple of weeks ago I have a new email.
You have given me some very helpful advice previously, if you have any insights into this situation let me know.
Lane
Hi fellow ventors: I first found this site about a year ago. Was really hurt by someone whom I thought would be a life long friend. When it comes to being a good judge of people I FAIL! I just got back to work after a short illness. The person who used to be my friend and who I thought I could still get along with proved, beyond a shadow of a doubt that she could not. She betrayed me , in such nasty way. This time in life I think there really is no one you can trust. Just enjoy the little good times you have with people and let the others go. Tonight I think I have finally let go all hopes of this person ever being part of my life. Is true friendship, like the ones we read about; only in fantasys and fairy tales. Thanks for letting me read your other stories. I find friendship , and comfort here.
This is to Lane. . .
You are completely torn. Totally understandable!! I went back and re-read your postings. It was as if your heart did all the dictation while you typed. No reading between any lines there! It was all negative.
Before you pick up the phone. . .and even before you try to come up with the words to shoot back, ask yourself these questions. If you know how toxic this person/relationship is, why is it in your life? The second question has to do with you. How do you feel about yourself? You seem generous, kind and loving with a fulfilling life and family. Why do you still have the need for this?
Again Lane, if you think I’m stepping out of line here, just let me have it! But I think you owe it to yourself to ask these questions. Look deeper inside yourself. . .every relationship is a reflection of us. What does she represent?
Thank you for asking me. . .I just hope I’m not invading here!!!
Angela
Yes, relationships and friendships are a two way street. If you find yourself going down a one-way for much too long its just time to take a left or a right. Open up your heart, open up the window (its never locked!), do some volunteering to help others in need or just pursue your favorite hobbies and you’ll never know who else you might find who will come into your life. The pain of losing a friend may never totally go away, but will hurt LESS in time. Its been helpful to me to read all your stories today, as I am in a situation too. I have to let go of someone who doesn’t seem to value me much. And the more I think about it she is a negative person in many ways, and manipulative of men in her life. She always expected me to keep “secrets” for her, but no more.
Best of luck and blessings for all of you!
Hi Angela
You are not stepping out of line at all, and you have asked some very good questions. I guess what this person reflects for me is my past. We moved around so much when I was growing up, and my parents were not very good at keeping contact with people so she is one of the very few who knew me back when I was young. I think that is what I am so afraid of giving up. Right at this minute, I don’t want to see her again, but I am worried that five years down the track I will regret my decision. I know she is toxic to me, but we have a shared history that I have with no one else.
There has been a development since I last posted. When we changed our ISP and our email addresses, I didn’t bother to send her an email because as she had ended the friendship, I didn’t see the point. However unbeknown to me my husband sent out an automatic spam email to everyone in our directory telling them of our new email, this included her, and last Friday she emailed me.
This email was basically as if nothing has happened and was planning our Christmas get together as if she never ended our friendship. It makes me think that she has obviously changed her mind, but she is not going to own her actions and wants me to pretend it hasn’t happened.
I haven’t responded to the email and to be honest I don’t want to. I feel that if I do I am legitimising how she treated me, and I am giving her permission to do it again.
There is no point in telling her how I feel as I know that if I do tell her she will somehow manage to twist it so that it is my fault, that I expected too much from her, that I don’t understand how her life has changed. Or that I misinterpreted her actions and am being over sensitive.
At this point I seriously don’t want to see her, but am I doing the right thing in ignoring her email?
This is difficult situation, but nothing you couldn’t tackle. Emailing her will keep the lines of communication open. Not emailing might cause you a little uneasiness as it is probably not in your nature to do such a thing. Sometimes a friendship has to end. As terrible as that may sound. . it is truth. You two may have a long history, but that doesn’t mean you have anything in common anymore. I’ve learned that there are people who care nothing for change and continue along the path they have always walked. They fear the unknown and resent those around them who HAVE made change or who are not afraid. These people tend to blame the world for their misfortunes and look to their own friends as sort of scape goats. Your friend has taken advantage of your good nature for far too long. You were probably always there for her, always accomodating and never judgemental or difficult. It’s unfortunate when someone you’ve know and cared for for so long begins to show their true colors. I say do not open the lines of communication. It’ll never end. An email here, an email there. . .before you know it, she’s coming over spreading her negative aura all over your home. Start to think of yourself and your needs and things will begin to get easier. It will be fine. . . remember that this person needs YOU. I’m still trying to figure out if she’s flat out jealous or is among the few out there that are completely oblivious to their rotten behavior. Only you know that. . .you be the judge.
I had a friend (although she was certainly not a close friend), but she was a friend nonetheless who was like this. She recently sent me an email demanding to know why I haven’t kept in touch and why I let this friendship go right down the toilette. I did not reply. Had I replied, it would have never ended. She’s a nice person, but she is a woman who is filled with negativity. After spending time with her, she would leave me feeling tired and with migraines like I’ve never experienced before. The small moments of niceties just weren’t enough to keep this alive. Time to move on. . time to let it go.
You will feel the loss of that friendship for a while. . .there’s a history there and you are used to having this person as a friend, but there’s nothing holding you in this relationship any longer.
Hi Angela,
What you have said has helped a lot. I had already decided that I don’t want to email her, and what you have written has made me feel better about this decision.
To be honest, when I got her email it actually sickened me. When she ended our friendship I was so hurt and felt such pain and confusion, and yet here she was organising our Christmas get together as if she was doing me a huge favour and nothing had happened!
I realise that I deserve a lot better than this, she obviously doesn’t value me, and is truly detrimental to my well being.
The negatives in this friendship far out weigh the nostalgia, and although it makes me sad, I am done with her, I no longer want her jealousy poisoning me or my family.
Thank you for your thoughtful help and advice
All the best
Lane
I’m in the midst of dealing with a friendship that’s ending. My heart is broken so bad that I’m not sure if I will ever recover. I know that it just takes time, but it’s easy to forget that when it’s all so fresh.
My best friend of 3 years has pretty much abandoned me. We became friends through work, and developed a very intense deep friendship, I loved her deeply and she told me she loved me the same. I was with her through all her tough times, an unwanted pregnancy, the death of a loved one, you name it.
About a 2 years ago she moved to another city, with my support, because she wanted to be closer to her family. Eventually, about a year later, she convinced me to move as well, because she told me that her life would be complete with me here. And I felt the same.
A few months ago, we decided to quit drinking together, and started going to AA meetings. Right in the beginning of that experience, she met a new guy at one of these meetings. Ever since then, she’s been dissapearing from my life.
At first I was probably being a jealous friend, cause it hurt me to lose the time I had gotten used to us spending together, but eventually I realized that it wasn’t going to help anything for me to be negative, so I adjusted my attitude. I told her I support anything that makes her happy, I just wished that she could still have time for me as well.
Well, it’s now gotten to a point where she doesn’t really answer my phone calls or return my messages. She tells me she just is busy and working alot, but we work at the same place, so I know that’s not really the case. And it’s not like I want her to spend every day with me, but just to answer my calls once in awhile would be nice. I don’t know, my heart breaks every day and I feel like I’m obsessing over why I no longer seem to be a priority in her life. I don’t know what to do and now I’m stuck in this new city. Any advice would be appreciated.
Hi Jen,
I wrote a while back when one of my longest and dearest friendships was ending. My heart goes out to you, being in a similar situation in a new city where you don’t know many people. But the good news is, there are lots of wonderful people in Austin, and in time you will develop new friendships, as I am finding for myself. I know that right now it seems like nothing could replace the friendship you have lost, and truly, nothing can. But other friendships will form that will be different but still wonderful in so many ways. You seem like a strong person, and you’re not afraid to make positive changes in your life such as going to AA. Maybe it will help to think of making new friends as another positive “step” in that process. My advice is to give it a shot, and don’t be afraid to open up to new people – you may be pleasantly surprised.
I lost a friendship because my friend a guy became involved in a new relationship with a person that I butted heads with. he was caught in the middle. It was inevitable that we would stop talking…he of course was slepping with her..and i was just the friend. Its been so hard to deal with the loss. Im really hurt and miss our friedship…so much has happened…there really doesnt appear to be a point of return. I feel like Im the only one that feels this loss. Hes in a relationship and probably doesnt care and im stitting here suffering this loss. I really miss him. I miss his laugh and smile and the way he made me feel. Im heartbroken.
I just wish I knew he felt the loss like I did. That he cared like I did. I never will.
L’information interessante que vous avez! I’am allant revenir bientot.
The friend that I had was my very best friend you could even say she
was my life line. We met when I was 12 yrs old and she was 17.
She was my camp leader and we really became very close.
I suffer from depression and all the friends I ever had I let go of,
but for Donna my camp leader. We would get together and go for walks and talk and I always felt better talking with her.
I was around 19 yrs old when she moved to Toronto, but that never got in the way of our friend ship we would write or talk on the telephone and later we would e-mail each other, but I started to feel that she nolonger was wanting me around. I’d e-mail her and she wouldn’t e-mail back, I would call and leave messages, but again
I never heard back and this went on for some time and when she would
finally e-mail me she spelled my name wrong!
A year ago I moved an hour an a half north from Toronto and I just wanted to see her for a coffee so I e-mailed her and she wrote back
in a e-mail telling me she’ll always have the memories, but her dance card was full. I never asked for a dance !!!!
I just wanted to go for coffee with my best friend.
I like a fool begged her not to give up on our friend ship, but I never heard back from her and I e-mailed her alot.
Finally last week I after begging her again I said if I don’t hear from you I’ll not reach out anylonger and since I have used that line many times with her I ended the e-mail telling her that I will
never bother her again and I ended the e-mail swearing on my only sons life that I’ll bother her no more.
And I have not heard from her and I know in my heart that I’ll not ever hear from her. I am 42 yrs old, so 30 yrs gone just like that!!
time to let it go…
i never thought when my girlfriend started dating a guy could change our friendship…i’m disappointed,hurt! i have boyfriend,but never let him stop me seeing my friends. shouldn’t you have your own life and your friend circle? how can your boyfriend replace your best friend? it doesn’t make sense to me! she has really changed since she met this guy. i’m sick of being the person trying and initiating all the time. if she has a problem, she would ring, but otherwise,i’m in the dust. so, i’ve decide tonight, i got to let it all go… time to move on…
I know it is very depressing. My ex friend is currently pregnant. I sent her a gift over a month ago and I didn’t hear anything at all. She basically abandoned me after many years of friendship. She doesn’t even know I had a child. I really feel this loss and I feel like a loser because of it. I know I hold this friend up on a pedestal and I shouldn’t. I’m just not sure how to get over it and move on. Any suggestions?
Friendship is just a myth really. It never really exists. Friendship is NOT supposed to last in adulthood. I should know I have been dumped as a friend enough times. It still hurts me now.
Wow. After I read this post, I cried. I dunno. This post really resonated with me. And I wouldn’t have posted this had I not seen that four years later, you are still getting comments!!
Like a previous poster, I googled “When a friendship ends”, and this blog came up. I won’t go into my situation, but just know that what you wrote affected me (in a good way). I hated, HATED crying about it, but I think I needed to. Thank you.
One thing I learned is to take new friendships slowly and at your own pace. The instant friendships that take off like lightening and are exciting and fun usually die a quick death over some trivial issue. Developing friends, like dating, takes time to evolve into a long lasting, trusting relationship.
I had a “fabulous” friend for a year- it was non stop fun, laughter, doing things together, travel. It ended in an instant over a single miscommunication. I was so hurt and it took me weeks to get over it. Instead of one special friend, I now have many friends to share specific interests… Maybe they are not as close.. but much healthier.
Got off the phone with a friend and immediately googled when a friendship dies because that’s what it feels like my friend and i are going through. We’ve been silly and teary and crazy with each other, I mean seen and supported each other at our worst and best and now the conversation is just filled with all the things unsaid, and the things said feel like i’m talking to a stranger. i miss my friend and i resent her not fighting for this friendship, but i feel like i’ve put my heart and my feelings out there time and time again, only to feel like i was being desperate and needy…nothing was said or done to convince me other wise…and i’ve kind of schooled myself not to expect or need the support and friendship we once gave each other; it simply isn’t there and wishing won’t make it so. we don’t call each other in the dead of night anymore (or at all really) and when i need someone to talk to i pack it away like i used to before i learned to let people in. i know i’m partly to blame…other friendships have drifted away due to work, distance and changes in life such as marriage and kids (sometimes it feels like everyone has grown up grown into other things and i’m …but when the bond i had with this friend made all of that less so; we were in the same boat i guess two loner eccentrics who got each other, moods and all)…but now… i know i fought to keep this one but in the end …in the end…here we are anyway…and i kind of feel like i’d rather not be friends that have this half-assed friendship. earlier this year i felt so depressed about it …came at one of my lowest ebbs when i really could’ve used a friend (as i’ve tried to be there for her in the past)…and yes, i confessed that to her too and felt like a fool for doing it in the end as it didn’t make a difference…but now i mostly put it out of my mind and the months of no contact save barely there emails made that doable. this “what’s up” phone call has brought everything up inside me however (i had to bite down on all the things that would’ve started the cycle of silences and things unsaid all over again). can’t fathom a guess anymore about how she’s feeling about it though. all i know is we may still talk but i miss my friend, miss her like a limb, miss having someone i could be myself with.
anyway i feel you on this post and it helps…a part of me still doesn’t get how you can go from being so close to being so distant. i don’t get it.
Like the previous poster I googled ‘when a friendship ends’ and found this post on your blog. It’s amazing to see all these comments and reading these and your post is a little comforting, it makes me feel less lonely..
It seems like an important friendship (well to me at least) is in a slow process of dying.. and even though I’m trying to save the friendship my friend doesn’t really respond to any of my messages I leave her..
It’s been three years ago that I met her when I was overseas for an internship.. even though the internship only lasted four months, we got on so well and never lost touch again. we remained really close through all those phonecalls and internet means available today.. within a year we met again and hung out and kept in touch and last month I went on a trip to meet again.. but she seems to have changed somehow.. while before I went traveling, everything seemed alright.. we still talked about things best friends talk about.. the things you fear, the things you dream of, talking about life, about purpose, and sharing feelings of joy but also grief and all other things…
I dunno, maybe I was claiming her too much during my trip or my expectations were too high and I should’ve handled things differently. Or maybe I just have to accept that things will never be the same again.
It just hurts not being able to talk about all that stuff.. especially since what is going on now, would be something I would turn to her for and now I can’t.
Luckily I have this amazing boyfriend, who is also my best friend…and who completely understands what I’m going through..
but in all honesty, I truly start to believe that there is no one you can really rely on but yourself.. hope this over-realistic world view will soften a bit when and if I get over this heartbreaking experience..
And then I start to think.. I hope have never hurt someone like this..
I just googled “when a friendship ends” because my friendship with someone I thought and looked to as a “best friend” has ended for a second time. About 3 years ago, we had a falling out and did not talk to for 4 months. I thought it had ended at that point and I was upset , cried etc, however when I was just getting over it she contacted me again. It seemed that we picked up where we left off, however just last week she got angry with me and blew up because I emailed her on the wrong venue. Screaming, yelling, cursing…I was my usual calm self…apologized for upsetting her etc. I have not heard from her in over a week and I’m upset but figure I didn’t deserve to be treated this way for such a silly reason and refuse to beat myself over it. She always would blow up over silly things and I would just beg her to be my friend…yes I’m embarrassed about that now. I have not called, emailed or tried to contact her since last week and don’t think I will….if she wants to be friends with me she can contact me and apologize. I don’t deserve to be treated that way. Thanks for the opportunity to vent!!!
what a great website! to know we all googled “when a friendship dies” and ended up here.
I met my friend at worka about 5 yrs ago and even though I am 15 yrs older we hit it off bigtime. She came from NY to Seattle with her boyfriend, and forged the friendship at a job we both hated. We are on the same page politically and laugh at the same jokes. She’s funny, extremely smart, very attractive, talented but the thing I really loved about her was that she was kind and respectful of other people…thoughtful.
We stayed friends through the breakup with her boyfriend, her unhealthy relationships with several “players,” and a devastating relationship where she really opened up but read the guy wrong. It took her a long time to heal and 3 yrs later at 42, she is just starting to think about serious dating, but wastes her time on 35 yr old guys who only want to sleep with her, not marry her.
In the meantime I got married to a great guy. She and I turned into the “older married friend and the popular pretty single girl.” She has always had other friends but because I work from home now I am not as socially active. She rarely included me or introduced me to her friends though I often introduced her to mine. She regularly complained about her girl friends, saying that another older friend and I were the only true, trustworthy friends she had. But she started breaking dates, but somehow available for an out of town friend who showed up unexpectedly, someone she continually said was egotistical and selfish. Stuff she knows better than to pull. I was relegated to Sunday brunch if she had that open. They are her choices but don’t punish me in the process. I confronted her about 3 mos ago saying I had no problems with her other friends, or that we only got together occasionally, but just don’t f*** with the time I DO have. We had a REAL discussion. I was proud of myself that I was brave enought to tackle things. She said she loved me and didnt mean to be so insensitive.
Two weeks ago I came home from a short trip expecting to get together taht evening as she had suggested it before we left. But she said she forgot, she had promised to go see a friend’s band over a month before. Normally I would have said ok, we’ll do it later. But after having gone thru this one time I don’t feel like being treated as a second class friend again. We have barely emailed or called since.
I have a theory that your closest friends are like lovers; once the sex ends you can’t really remain best friends. It’s like going from first class to business or coach. I feel like I’ve been relegated to business for no reason, and I have no intention of waiting for coach..
Maybe I made too much of things. But I considered her my best friend and in my book its an honor for someone to feel that way about you. I’ve lost friends before so it won’t kill me. But I guess I haven’t got the patience to wait out another botched relationship or selfish co worker, when she knows I would never treat her that way, that I would listen and take time for her. Why is it so hard to figure out? Our relationship was not that hard as far as I couild tell.
I am going to concentrate on my other friends and making new ones. And I still find in my 50s that my family are the most reliable and important people in my life.
That’s it!
People who don’t care if I’m around! Why invite me if you don’t really want to see me? Treat me like another household chore.
Reading this is like I am reading my own story (down to the no call on my birthday) … my girlfriend or ex-girlfriend I should say recently stopped talking to me for no reason or for any reason I can possibly think of. I actually called her on it and got some silly excuses. We run the same circle and every time I see her laugh or make plans with someone else I feel the hurt all over again.
Just reading your story and seeing that I am not the only one this has happened to makes me feel a bit better.
Thank you for sharing.
Hello and good evening. I just ended a 20 year friendship last night with someone who I though was my friend but I was wrong I guess here is the story.
To start we’re both guys and yes guys can emotional with friends also. I first meant Sam back in early 1990 when I moved to a suburb completly on the other side of Philadelphia. My girlfriend who was from that area (she is now my wife) and that was the reason for me moving a little distances. Right after I moved in, I started going into this bar restaurant which just re opened after being renovated. I went and sat in the bar and ordered a beer and the bartender who was of irish decent started talking to me and ask was I new in the area. I said explain the whole story and said welcome to the area and 2 other guys were sitting at the bar and over heard the conversation. The one guy was Kevin and the other was Sam. We all started talking and bought rounds of drinks and introduced themselves and Kevin worked at a record store , he was into music and the 3 of us hit it off. Anyway I started going in there frequently and took my then girlfrirnd now wife there and introduced her to them and over the course of 20 years we became close friends although Kevin passed away from pancreatic cancer in 2008. talk about a great guy, never had a bad word about anyone,always help anyone in need. Now Sam who I had grown close to at the time bartended in his family’s bar in Philly and we would go see him and always took care of us and we had got to know his family. In 1996 the family sold the bar and Sam went from bartending job to bartending job at various place since then and since August of 2005 ended up at a place a block from my house and would stopped in and see him. Over the years I would take trips to sporting events, Bowl games with sam another friend we made 5 yeras ago ,his named Jon who is nice and mild mannered. Well here is the thing with Sam, he is and was a huge pot head and would always drink behind the bar at times and get drunk but hardly anything happened till recently. Now in the last few years at the current place (although he’s not there anymore as of last Wednesday night,Thanksgiving Eve but thats another story which I’ll get to later) He’s been drinking more & more behind the bar,getting plastered, he would start his shift at 6pm sometimes drink before and at 7:30pm start hitting the vodka & Sprite and would drink a fifth during his whole shift band of course by 11:30pm he is lit and his personality would change. Get into arguments with customers, got into a brawl with another co worker and various blow ups over the past few years but the owner of the place is a good hearted guy would talk to him and things would ok for awhile noe come Wednesday a week ago, Thanksgiving Eve. I get off of work at 11pm and go drop off my car and walk to the bar and I go and he’s drunk again as usual and in a nasty mood which he gets when he drinks hard liquor, talk about Jekell and Hyde. To make a long story short he get nasty with a customer and Bill the owner comes out and says calm down we’ll talk tomorrow. He tells Bill ” Well if you don’t like it (expletive) fire me!” Bill said “Sam,calm down,you know I don’t what to do that we’ll talk tomorrow.” and walks to the back bar. Ok things are calm so I thought and Sam is reall POed, saying to me Jon and me how he’s going to get talked to like a little kid by Bill and so on. about an hour later , Bill’s on again off again girlfriend, Liz comes out to the front bar and Sam hates her with a passion. over the 5 years he’s been there they have clashed frequently. Now Liz does have issues like past drug use and so on but thats Bill’s business to deal with not us. She sits down and just starts talking to another customer and Sam is really mad now. He take his bar keys off the ring and grabs his tip money from the jars and starts calling Liz a whore,drug addict,b***h and so and of course she starts going and yell and screaming, calling him a closeted transvestite and needs a sex change since he’s such a drama queen (which he can be when he’s liquored up) and they went to the back bar. Jon & I are sitting there saying oh no and a few minutes later Bill has Sam by the shirt screaming in his face and Sam is yelling ” (expletive) FIRE ME FIRE ME GO AHEAD AND HIT ME IF YOU DARE!” I went over and broke it up and Bill walked away and Sam continued to call Liz the names I descibed and says “She’s (Expletive) drug dealers in North Philly” and she screaming back its not true. Then Bill says “Just get out, leave!” and Sam storms out and down to his place which is down the street. Afterwards Bill and I talked and its after 2am and Bill was saying how good he was to him,gave him many chances,told him to wait at least till 11pm to have a drink and so which is all true. By the time we left and I walked Jon to his place, I didn’t get to bed till 5am. As of today (12-6-2010) its been 11 days and I haven’t heard from and this past Saturday Jon gets a call from another friend asking him to join him and Sam and this other place. I was over in NJ when Jon text’s me saying he’s with Sam and the other friend and I text back I’m leaving now will be there in 45 minutes wait there. I get back into the area and go in the other bar and Sam is gone. Jon said that he decided to go home because he had too much to drink. I felt hurt because after Thanksgiving Eve, I texted and call Sam sevaeral times,left messages and no response. When we would go away, Sam would come in and tend to our cats which he loved so my wife texted him tell him could he please come over and see our 17 year old cat, Jeremiah who is terminally ill and still no response! Last night I got off at work and it was eating at me and I was getting mad since I’m the type who takes it and takes it and let it all out. I went to the bar and had some beers and thought the hell with tese, I’m going to talk to him. I walk down to his place and knock on his door. I know he’s in there because I heard the TV. After I knocked I said”Sam it me , P–l can I talk to you?” He then turned the TV up alittle and ignored me and I knocked again stating was I just said. I knocked some more pleading but since I had a few beers and then started get POed myself I just starting shouting “Why are you avoiding me? I didn’t do anything to you.” and said other things which I can’t type here telling him where to go, pounding on the door. Before I left I shouted ” When you go back to Bill to try to get your job back, I hope he kicks your a** to the curb! ” and stormed out. I know I shouldn’t have done what I did but I’m so hurt. We were great friends. When others would say what a A hole he is and he’s a drunk I would always defend and say what a great guy he was and I guess I was wrong and they were right. When he would get drunk on the job I would count his money drawer for him,clean up and stock and make sure the place was closed down properly covering his behind and this is the the thanks I get. He had it coming. Drinking a fifth of vodka on his shift. If and when he calls me I’m not going respond and see how he likes it. I told my wife what I did she just said “oh no, you threw away 20 years of friendship away you know how Sam is just let him alone for awhile,he’ll come around” . I threw 20 yeras away? How? He choose to ignore me for some reason. I told my wife she can keep trying to call him but I’m through with him and his drunken escapades and all the drama that came with it. I’m sad 20 years of friendship is gone but he chose to do it not me. As of today he’s my former friend. I even deleted his number from my phone thats how much I’m POed at him. He can go to h**l for all I care!
I don’t know if this would considered an end of a friendship but my close friend Annette of 22 years and I had a big falling out late Sunday night after Thanksgiving and it was because she’s such a cheapskate.
First I’m a born & bred Brooklyn girl and Annette is from Greenwich,Connecticut which is affluent and her family is affluent.
Annette and I met in our freshman year at NYU in ’88, she was an ad major and I majored in hospitality management. We hit it off right off the bat,liked all the girly things but we like sports especially football and we discovered we’re diehard Giants fans and my Father had season tickets which he gave to me and I’m a season ticket holder of 4 seats today. She met my family and they loved her from the get go and she became part of the family and I met her family and they made me a part of their family also. In our junior year, we decided to get an apartment together on the West Side in Manhattan, a 2 bedroom, the rent then was $900 and I’m sure its double now and split it and shared all the expenses with no problem. It was great we could have guys over,being free which we are when we’re that age. In fact one night we’re home and had a few drinks when Annette said that even though she likes guys, she wondered what it would be like to have sex with another woman and ask what about me? Now I like guys myself and never considered myself a lesbian (not that there’s anything wrong with that) I told her I never thought about it and then she asked me would I help her fulfill her fantasy and and have girl on girl sex with her. I thought about it and since I had a few drinks, thought why not see what its like and put my arm around her and started kissing her. We then went into her bedroom strpped and did it most of the night. After that we would meet after classes go to our apartment and do it and that went on for 2 months. To me it was ok but I prefer guys so we talked and said she had her fulfillment and prefers guys also so we decided to be friends as we’ve have been and made a pact to never ever tell anyone about our brief lesbian affair especially our families. She was so close to me I even helped her with her fantasy. After we graduated, she went on to take a ad exec job on Madison Ave and I went on to to manage several restaurants in Manhattan and currently manage one in midtown. Annette and I always remained close,took vacations together, go out on the town,etc. But one thing that always irked with her was that she was so cheap. Complained about how much food is, having to tip and so on. Now Annette makes fantastic money,she makes more than my husband and I combined and we are doing good. She has a condo on the East Side and complained about how she paid too much,its expensive to keep up,the parking garage fee (she drive a Mercedes 500). I told her to move to Staten Island where’s its cheaper and then complains she doesn’t want to leave Manhattan, she doesn’t want to take the ferry and the subway. She has the best clothes,expensive hand bags,designer sunglasses,shops at Nordstrom’s and all the top stores,gets her hair professionally styled and so on. Its funny her parents are the exact opposite when it come to spending money so I don’t know how she became a cheapskate. Over the years I met my husband, got married and settled in Staten Island, Annette was my maid of honor. She even tried to scrutinize the cost of our wedding complaining about how this was so much money and it was expensive. My parents had to tell her nicely that they appreciate her trying to help but back off because they’re paying for it. Annette complained about the cost of the Giants season tickets which we split with her and since its a new stadium complained and moan about how much it went up but I told its a new stadium what does she expect? I told if she wants opt out and I’ll take over her seat but of course no she whats to come to the games. My husband says she’s basicially a nice woman and very attractive which she is but he can’t stand how cheap she is either and always complaining about the cost of things. Annette has never married but has had several boyfriends who were all very nice but they broke up with because of how she’s a cheapskate and complainer. She even was in a 2 year relationship with a regular working guy who was a drywaller and she met through us and she made more money than he but did he stay with her? No, he dumped her because how she is.
Well here’s the straw that broke the camel’s back with me. The Friday after Thanksgiving, Annette,my husband and myself went down to Philly for the weekend and since the Giants were playing the Eagles down there, I bought tickets online which she complained about the cost and I have a friend who works for Starwood Properties and got us the employee rate for a SUITE at a huge discount at a Sheraton in Philly and of course she still bitched and moan about the cost. Ok I let it go but the 3 of us drive down and arrive at the hotel and we have some luggage. Now before I can get out of the car, she hops out real fast and runs into the lobby and grabs the bellmen’s cart and brings it out. The bellman comes out and politely tells her that its his job and he has to go with the cart and he is right. Annette screams at him telling him she’ll do it herself calls him “boy” and really berated him. I felt so bad for the poor guy. He goes back in and we go inside to check in and I give my name and the letter from my friend and the managers comes over and say to Annette that the bellman has to go with cart its his job. She starts screaming in the lobby at him that she wants to take herself because she doesn’t want to tip the bellman and so and on and my husband and I are embarrassed especially since my friend got us the suite. My husband just grabbed the bags off the cart and took them up and Annette stormed behind. I apologized to the manager and the bellman and they said not to worry and I gave the bellman a 20 dollar bill, he refused it but I insisted that he take it since Annette berated him so.
Well the whole weekend was spent with her complaining about what happened and how she’s going to write a letter about it and demand a refund and at the stadium complained about the cost of beer and food which is cheaper than at Giants Stadium. After the game we headed back up home and she still complain about the hotel,the cost, the stadium sucked just like the Giants new stadium on the ride back. Well now I’m getting mad and my husband could see but I said to myself wait till we get home. We arrive back at our house and unload,I’m calmed down but still alittle mad. She puts her stuff into her car and we go inside. She uses our bathroom and she comes down and we go to say good night it was a nice weekend (yea really). She starts to complain about the hotel again and that was it. I blew up at her. Told her I’m sick of her cheap ways and complaining and really blasted her. My husband looked shocked he never really seen me that angry.
Annette looks at my husband and says to him did she ever tell you about our brief lezzy affair back in our senior years in college? Now she thinks he’s going to get all upset but when we were engaged he asked me if Annette and I ever were intimate since he noticed how close we were and I told him the whole story and he didn’t care at all since it was before we met but I never told Annette that I told him. I figured to be honest with my future husband. Anyway he says to her so what? It was a long time ago and walked away. Annette says I can tell your family ha ha and I say go ahead because you’ll have to out yourself and I’ll tell your family also. She paused and started crying and starts to apologize and tell her to get out and I don’t ever want to see her again. She starts to beg please, please don’t shut me out, your my best friend and I love you and cries. I’m still mad and tell to get out now or I’m calling the cops to have her removed. She left sobbing and got in her car and drove away and that was the last I seen her. A few days later she called my cell and house phones leaving messages say how sorry she is and misses me but I can’t talk to her now. I’m tired of her complaining and being such a cheapskate. If she would stop that she might be able to hang on to a man which I told her that night. I admit I do miss her and my husband says I should call her and make up and I tell him I knew her alot longer than him and tired of dealing with it. Anyway last Sunday the Giants were playing the Redskins at home and my husband and went and wondering if Annette would come. We went to our seats and hers is empty and right before kickoff, this guys comes and sits in her seat. After the 1st quarter I said excuse me but are a friend of the women who usually sits here and he says no but I met her in a bar the other night and we were talking and ask was I a Giants fan and said yes and gave me her ticket. He then went on to say how he offered to pay her for but refused and we have box seats with club access so its not a cheap ticket. I’m surprised she would just give it away. I don’t know if she did hoping I would find out or maybe she’s trying to make amends for her ways or couldn’t face me. Maybe I might brake down and call her but I don’t know when. We’ll see.
Whoops I made a mistake on the dates. It was the weekend BEFORE Thanksgiving. I been so upset since Annette’s and I’s falling out.
My heart is aching right now and I am even angry. I had a year and a half working relationship with E who is a designer. At first things were great. E and I really clicked and we got close really fast. I thought I had meant a friend for life. I am in my twenties and she is in her fifties. As time went on she got really abusive- verbally and emotionally. Our professinal relationship was very much up and down. Looking back I think E is a little bipolar and has anger management and mental health issues. To E everything was always my fault. There were times when E and I were very close. We could do things together and have fun. E was never consistent. When things were going well it always seemed like she would get angry and push me away. I even told her I love you and you are like family. There were times I really needed E to be there and she never was. But there were times I was there for her but she did not return the favor. It was like at times she turned into an ice queen or just a witch. E was very hot and cold. I wish I would have walked away sooner. I came to E very vulnerable and lonely too. I think that E took advantage of me in a lot of ways. THere were a few times where I did feel betrayed and I should have walked away. I just wanted someplace to be professionally and E is very good at what she does and I so wanted to learn from her. Only 3 months ago I spent time in her home and we ate In N Out and hung out and watched television and we sat on her bed and talked- it was like being with a really good friend. Then that week everything went to pieces in the office when a computer crashed. I was E’s scratching post. At the end of the week after E screamed at me she sent me this e-mail about me working for her for a month. She said I could come as much as I wanted. The next week E got very abusive and I told her to f**** off. I tried to talk to her and it got so bad were I just quit. I said I can’t do this anymore. There was a big blow out. E sent me an e-mail that was very nasty with her threatening legal action and basically she said I was dead to her. Looking back there were times when E was very hot and cold and not consistent as a supportive, nice friend. That was two months ago. It is horrible to know that to E I am dead to her. That she just doesn’t care about me. That E doesn’t realize how abusive she was to me in our relationship- that E just blames everything on me. E trashed someone who really cared for her and loved her like family. I would have done anything for her. All I wanted from her was to be supportive, kind, a mentor, and just caring- to be a friend, to spend time with. I don’t know if this was stupid but I tried to reach out to her last weekend. I tried to call and she hung up on me. I left a message and I even went by her house and wrote a half page not and bought a Christmas ornament that spelled out “peace”. I have heard of nothing since- no response. I was not perfect in all of this but I know that E should not have been so abusive to me- she treated me like a thing, not like a person, I feel that the times E did show she cared about me was a lie. Maybe E did feel that way- I will never know. Everything that I thought was good was a lie. All E cares about is herself. The last time I saw E was at a class at our local university. She and I were in the same class. E totally snubbed me. She knew I was there and totally ignored me. E rushed out of the class with her head down and I just looked at her and thought how could you do this? I gave so much to E and did so much- like brought her care packages when she was sick, helped her in her home, listened to her at times when she needed an ear, and just was a great person to her. In return, E just took me for granted and never appreciated me. I was just a piece of trash to E. I was something to be used and discarded- that is all I was. I do hope that one day E gets a taste of her own medicine.
My best friend of 20 years dumped me about 3 years ago and it still hurts. We have to work together and we are neighbors. We are professionally and neighborly cordial as we have to be. it stills bothers and hurts me but she doesnt care at all how bad she hurt me and my family. i have been thru 2 deaths of family members and she just barely acknowleded it did not even call , text, email or nothing the last death which was a parent. She constantly at works happily talks about her new best friend loudly so I will know and brings her into every conversation. if i didn’t work with her or have to live next door I know I would forget it but it is constanlty in my face. All of our former friends ask what happened and I say what she always says to me we run in different circles now. That is her anser so I use it too. She acts like 20 years of close friendship meant nothing to her and I guess it didn’t. It is hard to face that I wasted that long and that much energy on such a selfish friend. i can’t wait to move and retire andget away but financially i am stuck for the next few years with all these painful reminders of not getting invited to parties, her not payign attention at all to me or my family and just being so cruel. Any advice on how to get over it or get through the next few years till I can move?
yep its me again it is sad to see that there are peole out there hurting like me. I am not a perfect friend but i always tried to hard to be a good friend by remembering birthdays and special occasions, cards, gifts, parties calling to check on them or ledn support. i run the gamut from being angrey and just wanting this mean person out of my life to wanting to be friends again. It has terribly hurt me and I have lost faith in people. i am in my 40s and don’t want to live life like this anymore but I am afraid of getting close to people other than my family and some of my family has been so abusive to me too. i always thought a lot of myfriends because of my emotionally abusive family. anyways the last few years have been so sad lonely and depressing and when you are older it is hard to make friends hard to break into already established clicks just like kindergarten all over again!! Facing empty nest soon and my significant other is wonderful just perfect could not have made it without them but I do miss my friend I just need to get over it but easier said than done. it has helped me to write this but I sure still feel bad from all the being left out of all parties being blown off and treated like like a bother.
How nice and a bit reassuring to know that so many people feel or might have felt same way I feel right now!! This post has been receiving comments since 2004, that just goes to show how truly this topic touches so many people. My very close friend of over 7yrs and I are going through a rough patch in our relationship at the moment. The hardest bit is that she recently moved in with me and my family which has turned out to be the stepboard for the whole trouble. I’ve realised that I’ve always been the one at the pulling end and over the years, whenever we disagreed on anything, I’ll always be the one to initiate reconcilliation. She’s not been so lucky(or should I say she’s always made silly choices on how she relates with her men which often ends up in her heartbreak) in all her r/ships so far with men and I’m always there to pick her up and support her. The trend is often that I don’t get to see or know anything about her new r/ships until there’s a disastrous end-often requiring some rescue moves from me and my husband. To cut the long story short, she recently moved in with us after being thrown out by one of her g/friends who accommodated her after one breakup with a bloke. Soon after that my friend changed dramatically into a total stranger! Won’t speak nor chat with me anymore, won’t eat in my house as before she moved in, won’t even sit with us in the lounge nor play with our kids as before. Infact she started avoiding us like a plague. Tried hard severally as I did, I got nothing off her mouth. She kept saying nothing is the matter. Trouble is, her bahviour is freaking me out and stressing the hell out of me. I don’t have that courage to kick her out at the moment like her other friend did, as I don’t know if I’d feel guilty of not helping her yet again when she needed help. She’s started confronting me over petty things lately and I’m worried sick often thinking where and what I’d done wrong to her to make her treat me this way. Over the years, she’d never been open or straightforward with telling me stories or stuffs that happen in her life and each time we chat her stories always contradicted what she might have told me previously. Out of desperation, I contacted her other friend to ask if she’s aware of anything going on that might have been the cause of my friend’s change of attitude, and it was like opening a can of worms! Her friend told me that she got treated the same way and when she couldn’t put up with her attitude any longer, she had to ask her to leave. I’ve been feeling very hurt about the way she treats me and frustrated that I can’t reach her no matter how hard I tried. Now I sense a feeling of anger building up inside of me towards her. If only we were apart whilst this is going on, it would’ve been alot easier. I don’t know if she’s mentally ok actually because I don’t know any normal person that will behave the way she does to someone who’s doing you a favour, let alone your friend. Or am I the problem here? I’m totally confused and in a dilemna as to what to do with her. Anyone with ideas? Thanks for reading my lengthy post.
Sorry we have all been burned so bad by friends. As painful as it is it is true that time heals things. But if you are in a bad situation better to get out of it sooner than later as maybe is the case with you Claire. Good luck fellow burned friends lets just keep looking for good friends maybe some are out there!
I also searched Google for some advice about losing close friends.
I have lost my two closest friends over the last year. I lost the first friend after 8 years, because they were dating a member of my family and the relationship came to an end. They obviously didn’t want contact with any of my family, including me. We had been very close and had contact almost every day. I still feel shattered.
I lost the second close friend just 3 days ago. We were close friends for 27 years. Her husband died 2 years ago and then a few months ago, she met a man who lives in another state. She quickly sold all her belongings and has flown there to start a new life. I want to be happy for her and I hope she finds all she is looking for. As she packed she mentioned that she was glad to get away from her old life and everyone in it. She also mentioned she may not ring or email very often. I was speechless!!!
So, from both of these experiences, I have been left numb, confused and heart broken. How can people be so close to you and mean so much and then just walk away? After spending a few hours reading everyone’s stories on here, I’ve realised they -can- and for most of us we will never really know why.
I don’t really know how to move on just yet. They say that time heals… but I’m going to need a lot of time!
Hello all. If you remember my story about my friend Sam,a few stories back, the guy who got drunk on the job, here is an update.
After my original post on Dec 6th, my 17 year old cat Jeramiah who was terminally ill with kidney disease past away 4 days later. After I took care of making arrangement for his remains, I contacted Jon and other friends to let them know what happened and of course they were sorry to hear and made plans to meet them at a local bar later that day but I didn’t call Sam since I decided it was over. A few hours later my phone rings and its Sam. I answered and he says” P–l, I just talked to Jon and he told me about Jeramiah and I’m so sorry I wish I could’ve seen him before he passed.” I said “thanks, but N–ki, (my Wife) called you and told you he didn’t have much time left on your voicemail but you never responded. He then says” Look, Jon told me you guys are going to meet at the bar later, can I join you guys and we’ll talk?” I said ok see you then. I meet Jon at the bar and Sam comes in 15 minutes later, shakes my hand and vsay “First let me tell you again I’m so sorry about Jeramiah, he was a great cat and I loved him also.” I said thanks and we order beers. Sam then apologizes say how sorry he was what happened Thanksgiving Eve and the reason why he was avoiding me was because he had felt so bad about what happened and was sorry he didn’t get over to see Jeramiah before he died. I asked what about the night I was coming back from New Jersey and was with Jon and the others? He said that he just felt so bad that he couldn’t face me after what had happened. I then asked what about the night I came to your place and you wouldn’t answer the door? He then said “I know I just couldn’t face you just yet and I deserved everything you shouted though the door.” I said Sam , you didn’t have to feel bad. Crap happens and you’re my good friend. I then apologized for what I shouted at his door and he said ” No , I deserved it. I had it coming” We then shook hands and I bought him a round and then all of us sat there having shots and toasting to Jeramiah and talked. Right now he’s bartending at another bar on a as need basis, a place he worked over 10 years ago so I’m glad he has something. I’m glad we’re friends again and glad it came out for the better. Although it took my cat’s death to bring us back together but at least Jeramiah’s death something good came out of it. I thought I would share this as an example friendships can be repaired.
it is so hard to get over a bad friendhsip loss especially if you have to still be around that friend. Time does ease the hurt but it still hurts. I just hate that i have lost my faith in people and my desire to be good and do good. i used to love to dote on people and be the best caring person possible but now i don’t feel the same. i don’t want to hurt anyones feelings but I just don’t feel like the caring kind friend i used to be before this hurtful letdown by my best friend I have lost my be a good friend pizzazz and I want it back but at my older age itis hard to make friends I just don’t feel like making the effort because i feel so negative and bitter about people, i am failing to see the good cause the bad has gloomed over me for so long. Any advice for breaking back out into the friendship world? any advice for getting back into the friendship world when you still have to be around the friend who dropped you at work and around town ?
Where do I begin? Well first of all I just want to say I am very sorry for all your pain, but, I know there is a but-and I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about-I’m glad that I’m not alone. I met M on the internet-I just have to say we never actually met-but we did talk for hours in chat rooms, dedicated songs to each other on this radio show, talked for hours on the webcam–then he just stopped talking to me. I’m a woman and he’s a guy, and yes, we were both very attracted to each other, but we remained friends. Then when he stopped talking to me I was like ‘what?’. (We were suppose to have an ‘arrangment’, but friends with benefits are still ‘friends’. I noticed that he and this other woman would join the message together–he wanted to fall in love, I wasn’t ready for that at all, and I fell apart at one point. Then when we-M and I talked he told me he had met someone-yes I was hurt we would never get together, but I was happy he found love. He told me ‘we’ll always be friend’. Well about two months after that he stopped even coming into the chat room. (Now I know this in only on the computer–but it still hurts like hell–feels like a death almost) . I am sure its his girlfriend who told him to stop talking to me (she was suppose to be a friend also) blah. Now he does come into the chat room but only when his gf is with him and he says all these digs about my political party and beliefs and how they are so wrong. It just hurts when he says we would always be friends and he told me that he means what he says.
Thank you for listening.
I know I’m sharing a lot, but one thing that has helped me to move on from him is for me to put myself in his shoes. That’s hard at times when you are only thinking of your own pain, but it has helped me totally. This guy had bad things happen to him and had his own bot with self-abusive behavior. A lot of time this is when people feel very badly about themselves. This guy just wanted someone to really love him and now he seems happy (well when he is making the digs, Idk lol) but when i finally talked to him it was on the webcam and he looked so happy –so thinking back to what he went through and trying to feel for him and then let him go. Because if I dont matter to him-if its only me going to him-screw it! I cant be like a puppy dog, so goodbye to him, but if he ever needed me in the future Id be there–cant say the same for him, because ive been through a lot and he wasnt there for me.
Hi Kari, by accident I ran into your letter, I know you wrote it years ago, but I have to say it touched me in a special way, I sympthasize with you as I am now going through something similar, except that it is my half-sister. Although we didn’t grew up together, we became best friends since teenagers, I am now 33. My sister and I always had a sort of hate/love relationship, but we always managed to let go and continue been best friends until recently, she said very hurtful things that I just can’t forget, It’s been four months since we last talked, and the sad thing is that for whatever reason I don’t really feel like even trying to fix things, I do miss her, but I think about the drama I would have to put up with if we become friends again, and frankly, I don’t think our relationship will ever be the same even if we both try. Never the less, it is painful at times specially because she is my sister, but I am trying my best to deal with my feelings of anger and discouragement and just move on.
Thak you for your time, I love your writing skills, I was born in South America and english has always been a struggle, I am trying to get better at it. God bless.
This reminds me of my best friend of 7 years and I. Gina was such an amazing girl and we had gotten along so well. We sang duets, went on trips, bonded over animal rights issues, and so much more. We eventually reached college and were both accepted into U of M, one of the best schools in the country, and in the world. This was even more exciting, because we signed up to be roommates so we could become even closer and to avoid the risk of having a bad roommate. Once we got to U of M, however, she began to party, drink, and skip classes. Then she decided to have a one night stand, lose her virginity, then run off with a random and incredibly sketchy guy and abandon her friends, family, and future. Housing finally kicked her out as a result from the piles of complaints and charges against her. Now none of her old friends talk to her, her parents can’t contact or even locate her, and she hasn’t returned any of my calls or messages in months. I have no idea if this phase will end, or if this person she has become is the real her. Either way, she betrayed me on countless occasions, put me at risk, and basically tossed our friendship under a truck. Then she hacked her mother’s account on Facebook and sent me a nasty message blaming me for everything when all i did was try to support her, defend her, and help her through her problems. She burned so many bridges that can’t be rebuilt, and i’m sorry to say our friendship is one of them.