Isn’t it hard sometimes, isn’t it lonely?

This morning I was about to leave for work and I called to Mike, “Come here and give me a hug.” He has that magical gift for hearing what I am really saying, so he said, “It’s the in-laws, isn’t it?” He came out of the bathroom, saw my eyes brimming with tears, and enveloped me in his arms.

Last night I helped throw a baby shower for one of my friends. This is her second baby, so instead of typical baby shower games and cutesy food, we decided to surprise her with a girl night – pizza and chips and dip and Friends. She thought a couple of us were just having a movie night, so it was a neat surprise for her. The biggest shock was that her mother-in-law and her step-mother-in-law both came to the shower, driving several hours to be there.

I don’t want to be jealous of my friends but I do get that way when it comes to family-oriented events like baby showers and weddings. (I suppose you could say it’s not my most attractive quality.) Mike’s parents aren’t involved in our lives, and every time I think I’ve come to terms with it, something like this happens. It’s not that I am not happy for my friends. I am. I just wish that I could have that, too. A family on both sides who are happy for us and excited with us. My heart aches when I think about missing out on that. I feel embarassed and a little ashamed . . . I suppose I feel like people will look down on me or judge me for my “poor showing” at these events. Silly, I know. I know everyone has family troubles and that there are things I have that my friends don’t have. But I still get sad every time.

I know we have been blessed with family in so many other ways. I have an abundance of aunts and uncles who help fill those holes, and we have amazing friends. I know no one looks down on me for my situation. Last night I avoided thinking about it all night, but it hit me when I was in the shower this morning. Since I got to work, my eyes have threatened to brim over a few times (including while writing this), but I know that, like always, the pain will fade in the routine of daily life. Maybe next time I’ll be able to rise above it. Maybe next time it won’t hurt so much. Maybe next time will be different.

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