“Do you ever feel you’ve become the worst version of yourself?”

Yesterday I realized that I have started doing something I have always found really annoying in other people. You know how you have a conversation with someone and you talk about doing something (let’s just say going out to eat) and they say, “We can’t afford that, sorry.” It’s so awkward. And uncomfortable. How are you supposed to respond? Should you offer to pay for them? What if you can’t afford to do that? Then what? Why do you suddenly feel so guilty?

I always said that if I was in that situation I would say we couldn’t do it without bringing up the money situation. Because it makes people uncomfortable. Now that Mike and I are suddenly destitute (that was an exaggeration for humorous effect), I realize that I have started doing that myself. Congratulations on those strong convictions, Kari.

What I didn’t realize is how intensely the money situation weighs on one’s mind. It affects my decision to drink water instead of Diet Coke (not a bad decision, but that’s not really the point). It affects my decision to bring my lunch instead of going out to eat. It affects my decision to make a cup of hot chocolate from the mix in my desk instead of buying a cup of coffee. (I also think about food a lot, in case you can’t tell.) Our finances are the reason I am so upset about the flat tire and the reason I haven’t been sleeping so well the past two weeks.

So, now that the shoe is on the other foot and all that, I feel that I should publicly apologize for having been critical of how anyone handled having to say no for financial reasons. I was insensitive to the stress that money causes, and that was wrong. And, if I’ve irritated anyone with my constant financial prattle, I am sorry. I am trying to work on it.

Today, though, I just feel like the worst version of myself.

No Trackbacks

You can leave a trackback using this URL: http://throughaglass.net/archives/2004/08/05/do-you-ever-feel-youve-become-the-worst-version-of-yourself/trackback/

8 Comments

  1. We’ve been going through financial stress the past couple years as well (3 kids + 1 income = 0 dollars), and I completely empathize with your feelings right now. We’ve pulled the belt a little tighter with each subsequent child, way beyond the point we thought we could go a few years ago. The good news is that God can use this to purify you and make you into the BEST version of yourself! This can teach you to deal with adversity with grace and strength, and you’ll realize that not only can you live with much less but your life may be much richer because of living with less. Be encouraged!

    Posted 8/5/2004 at | Permalink
  2. Im glad you said that.. because your whining was REALLY getting on my nerves.. πŸ˜‰
    the title of this thread makes me think of the Ben Folds Five song “Best Imitation of Myself”.. just thought Id share.. and dont worry about the money.. it always works out.. πŸ™‚

    Posted 8/5/2004 at | Permalink
  3. Since I’ve been support raising for my trip next year, I had to give up almost all of my bar shifts at Applebee’s and cut my hours back drastically. I can’t spend money the way I used to. I used to be able to take someone out if THEY didn’t have the money. Now, it’s the other way around. It’s so annoying. πŸ™‚

    Posted 8/5/2004 at | Permalink
  4. would it be easier for you if i sent money for you to get diet coke? πŸ˜‰

    it will work out. do not worry. so what if you have to get the chicken instead of the lobster?

    Posted 8/5/2004 at | Permalink
  5. you get used to getting water…and not spending money. trust me.

    Posted 8/5/2004 at | Permalink
  6. Nice use of You Got Mail quote. And Im really looking forward to our little party. Even more than the first idea. πŸ˜‰

    Posted 8/5/2004 at | Permalink
  7. I hate to be a wet blanket here, but sometimes the money doesn’t “work out”. If by “don’t worry” you mean “don’t give yourself an ulcer by letting the anxiety dominate your life and suck away your will to live” then we’re on the same page. But sometimes not “worrying” about it (ie not doing anything about it) makes the situation worse and you dig yourself a deeper hole. And sometimes “it will work out” means a lot more than eating chicken instead of lobster. It means cutting out every expense except the mortgage and utilities. It means shopping Aldi and Goodwill as your primary source of food and clothes, it means sometimes constant dread of “what if the car dies” or “what if there’s a leak in the roof” or “what if I get sick”, and it means making the decision whether or not you can afford to send your 4 year old to preschool. And sometimes it means you don’t get the medical care you need. And sometimes it means much worse.

    And don’t say “God is in control.” Because just because God is in control doesn’t mean life isn’t really shitty sometimes. And I HATE when people minimize the shittiness of life. We should embrace it, deal with it as best we can without whining, and enjoy the good gifts God gives us in this life, which so often transcend the shittiness. But it doesn’t eliminate it, and acting like it does is a disservice to those who are hurting.

    Sorry for the rant.

    Posted 8/9/2004 at | Permalink
  8. brian, i’ve been to the valleys of life. i know how crappy life can get. i don’t think you need to mock those of us who don’t get up everyday wondering what next will go wrong. you instead should embrace the attitude, because by your post, you’re on the verge of some ulcers.

    Posted 8/9/2004 at | Permalink

Post a Comment

Your email is never shared. Required fields are marked *

*
*