Through a Glass, Darkly

I thought about writing about scrapbooking today. I haven’t scrapbooked in months, and I’m not sure why (other than the obvious being busy buying a house stuff). But that’s not really what’s on my mind.

I’m still in self-pity mode, unfortunately. Today it’s about being left out. It’s the same old, same old “nobody picks me first” thing I struggle with all the time. Today it’s more along the lines of “nobody remembers me” or “I am eminently forgettable.” Second verse, same as the first.

I’ve been wrestling with a lot of insecurities this week. I have a fear of always being the last to know, or not being included. (Related to that is my fear that I am a little too nosy for my own good – I ask questions a lot because of my fear of being left out.) Everyone hates to be embarassed because of missing out on some information, and I have been especially sensitive to that since a couple of incidents my freshman year of college.

Add to all of that that a few things happened today that conspired together to make me feel forgotten, and stir in that this weekend I’ll be in a situation where all the other people included are close friends, but I only know one person . . . and you get one slightly edgy Kari. And I haven’t even left for the trip yet.

So, here’s what I’m hoping. I hope that I’m not overly sensitive this weekend. I hope that I make the effort to be outgoing, instead of just observing (which is my wont). I hope that I find where I am supposed to be going (since I finally have directions). And I hope someone makes the effort to draw me in.

It’s been a hard week, and it’s hard for me to think about being stretched this weekend by being around people I don’t know. I would rather hide out at my house. My final hope: That I have fun, despite all my misgivings.