Had we but world enough, and time.

The Very Hungry Caterpillar

I didn’t make any New Year’s Resolutions except to lose weight. And I have lost a considerable amount of weight since New Year’s Eve. I expect I will be able to keep it off since there is no longer a person installed on my front. I am a total winner when it comes to New Year’s Resolutions. However. I set a goal to take a picture every day in 2011, but the whole “having a baby” thing has kind of messed with my goal. Things are looking up, though, because I got a new phone that should aid in the taking of the photos. So if you’d like to see them, you can check out my Flickr set here. At this point, they are mostly of Atticus. Which makes my mom happy, but is probably kind of boring for everyone else. I am getting out of the house more now, though, so maybe there will be other things to see at some point soon. I am not going to blog all of them, but when there are stories to tell I will share them.

When I was in high school, my librarian (the one who was on Jeopardy!) had a baby, and I remember her mentioning one afternoon that she couldn’t have caffeine anymore because she had watched her baby son (who is now in high school, yikes) try to sleep but not be able to because of how much caffeine she’d had. I thought about that during pregnancy, as I tried to give Atticus the right things, and I have thought about it since Atticus was born as I have tried to balance being very tired with doing what is best for him.

And then today I had some chocolate covered espresso beans after my regular morning cup of coffee. And our day did not go so well.

Now, I have no proof that that was why he was so fussy and tired and sleepless today. But I can say that I had more caffeine than usual and that his behavior was in line with what the internet tells me (after a very scientific Google search) that a baby acts like after too much caffeine. At the very least, he was far off his regular routine. Good thing I was already out of the running for that whole Mother of the Year thing.

I have been warned that it’s awfully tempting for the mother to blame herself for any problems and that I need to fight to avoid it. Because skipping naps for a day or two is not going to ruin his entire future (though it might make both of us very miserable in the present), and I just need to remember to do the best that I can. It’s hard, though, when you are doing the caregiving (of course Mike is wonderful, but he is not here all day) and the feeding, not to take it personally.

When I play Scrabble, I am obsessed with opening up the board. This is one reason I usually lose. I need for there to be space for us to play, the idea of future moves. Mike says my main concern should be points, not board hospitality. But I can’t help it. I get stuck here in survival mode, only looking ahead.

The problem is that there’s not enough time. My maternity leave is quickly running out, and then my boy will be with someone else all day. I don’t want to spend the rest of the spring looking ahead to the summer or obsessing about the future. Life is not about scoring points, but I want to make these last weeks really count. I thought I would be able to go back to work without blaming myself (because I know in my heart it is the best thing for all of us), but I am finding it very difficult just the same.

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