Ain’t nothing that stays the same / I won’t ask it of you.

The first sunrise I remember seeing was when we lived in Gibsonville, which means I was probably 4 or 5. I remember my mom drinking her coffee, but I don’t remember if anyone else was there or why I was up. The sun was red that morning as it slipped over the horizon. In middle school, when I was at the beach with a friend, she always wanted to get up and watch the sun rise. In college, even though I consider myself a morning person, there were times I’d stay awake until almost sunrise. I never really see the appeal of watching the sun come up, to be honest. As much as I like mornings, seeing the sun just means that you’re awake really early. I prefer evening – watching the stars come out.

I don’t know the last time I was out driving by myself before sunrise. We left to take Mike to the airport at 4:30 this morning, and as I drove home, drinking my coffee (my only task this morning was to make sure there was coffee) and listening to my Gilmore Girls playlist, I watched as the eastern sky started growing brighter, ever so slightly. While I am thrilled for Mike that he gets to go to Costa Rica and play with sea turtles, I have not been thrilled about this trip in general, mostly because I won’t be able to be in touch with him. Our relationship was formed in an age of email and cell phones, so the idea of not being able to talk to him until he comes back next Sunday night is a little overwhelming. I worry both about something happening to him and something happening here while I can’t get in touch with him. I worry about the fragility of life. As I confessed to him last night, even when he’s here I worry almost every time I answer the phone that something has happened to him or to someone I love. This trip also means that the summer is pretty much over, and that he’ll be starting his final year of school. We have a lot of changes ahead.

But, as Grant Lee Phillips sang this morning, “Ain’t nothing that stays the same / I won’t ask it of you.” Last night I did try to convince Mike to stay, but we both knew he couldn’t. And I wouldn’t really ask him to. This trip, this time without contact is something new for us. We have a lot of new things ahead in the coming months. I want to enjoy this time to myself, take advantage of it. This morning, that meant not going back to bed, but staying up and reading the paper (which was here when I got back), making plans for the day.

I tend to want things to stay the same. It’s good that I’m married to someone who doesn’t feel that same way, who gets excited about our new adventures. This week he’s off on his great Sea Turtle Adventure, but I hope to have some adventures of my own.

(And also to get some more sleep. Getting up at 4:00 is not my favorite.)

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