Not only am I feeling off, my favorite show is a little . . . off.

There is a bit of Gilmore talk at the bottom of this post, so those of you who want my take should check there.

I am not feeling like myself these days. I’m not saying I’m not keeping my head above water, because I am. I completely am. I’m just . . . there are some areas where I’d grown where I’m just not doing as well. I try to be okay and joke around . . . but maybe that means that people don’t get that I am really sad. Really sad. And tired. I’m not operating on all cylinders. I need a little extra grace. We’ve been busy being out of town and in town with guests and plans and . . . this weekend we actually had to write on our calendar, “NO PLANS.” That way we couldn’t schedule anything. And that’s a situation I find really draining in general, to be busy all the time. But busy on top of emotionally fatigued? That’s a bad situation.

I don’t want to just have a big pity party for myself all the time, but it’s hard. Everyone else’s lives have gone on and mine hasn’t. I am not the same person I was before. I need time to catch up with all of this.

We’ve had some good things going on, though. The good thing about being busy is being distracted. So we had the football game and Mom’s birthday and Rhonda and Katie came to town . . . I’ve been baking a lot (a veritable cornucopia of pumpkin treats) and getting back on top of housework.. I can run a whole mile without stopping. We’re surviving.

One of the best things that’s happened lately is that we got a new mattress. I didn’t even know we NEEDED a new mattress. But, you guys, this is not a joke. Our new mattress is like sleeping in a hammock of clouds held up by angels. (I think it was Katie who said, “Did you just say, ‘A hammock of clouds held up by angels?'” Yes, yes I did.) It is so fantastic that you just can’t imagine. I hadn’t been sleeping well, but it’s been helping a lot. Hammock. Clouds. Angels. Seriously.

Last night I started a book called Words in a French Life, about a woman who moved to France and is learning the language. Each chapter is sort of like a blog entry, where she takes a word and talks about a little scene or a story that helps her understand the word. It’s cute. I like how it moves from English to French and I can still keep up using context clues and, you know, the little French that I do know. It’s a cute idea that made me think about what my own word would be, one that keeps coming up. I feel like I say this a lot, but a constant theme lately in my life has been courage. One of my favorite quotes is one that Anne Lamott stole from (I think) Dorothy Bernard: “Courage is just fear that’s said its prayers.” I feel, most of the time, like I am too small to be brave, too small to stand up and face life. I feel small and afraid, tossed around by circumstances, and that I’m always just . . . recovering. Cowering in the corner. I worry too much about what people think, how they see me, how I should respond.

We’re doing a sermon series on women from the Old Testament, and what has struck me about each of them is that they were brave in different ways. Esther, Ruth, Tamar, Shiphrah and Puah . . . the over-arching theme has been that it’s about being brave in the small things. Even though some of them were brave in very large ways, it was really just about taking the next step, doing the right thing, one day at a time.

There’s a sign in my kitchen that simply says (in funky lowercase letters): “courage.” I bought it when I was in the middle of a hard time, to remind myself that I had made it that far. I’d like to say that I look at it in the mornings or when I am trying an especially difficult recipe, but the truth is that it mostly goes unnoticed. From time to time, though, it does catch my eye, and I try to remember to keep going. And that’s enough courage for a difficult rainy day.

So, I didn’t watch Gilmore Girls last night. I had an awful day, I was extra-cranky, and . . . I didn’t feel like watching The Further Adventures of Lorelai and Christopher when I knew they’d just make me more cranky. So I went to bed just after 9:00. (I did want to stay up and watch Veronica Mars, but I was too tired to do so.) It got me thinking, this morning, though – some of the GG boards I read have (Christopher) fans who like to say, “If you are just watching for one storyline, you’re not a real fan of the show.” I . . . disagree. Remember when I talked about how people enter books through different ways – characters, place, story, language . . . none of those are right and none of them are wrong. People just like different things about different books. I, for example, tend to focus on characters and character growth. I think this plays out in my TV watching, as well – I love watching the relationships and seeing the characters learn from their mistakes. I think you can see where I’m going with this. Seeing Lorelai and Christopher give it yet another try is, to my mind, not really the kind of show I like to see. I don’t feel like the characters have gotten anywhere, and that’s just not fun to me.

Additionally, I am at a place in my life where I watch TV to escape. I have had a hard year, and I don’t want to watch sad or difficult things on TV. I have, in recent years, tended more toward comedies anyway – I stopped watching ER and started watching lighter fare like The Office and Friends and Gilmore Girls (or even Veronica Mars) and reality shows like Survivor and The Amazing Race and even American Idol. Shows where the people are generally happy (at least compared to ER, because, dang, that is an unhappy show) and comedic or interesting things happen. I want to escape to Stars Hollow to see Lorelai arguing with Michel and Rory going toe-to-toe with Paris and Babbette calling everybody “sugah” and Kirk working 42 jobs and Luke being grumpy and pouring coffee. All this long lost daughter/broken engagement/one night stand stuff is, honestly, not my cup of tea. Especially when Christopher is involved. I don’t think that makes me “not a real fan of the show,” I think it means that there are things about the show I used to enjoy that . . . simply aren’t around anymore. At least right now. I don’t find The Further Adventures of Lorelai and Christopher to be endearing in the least, mostly because I don’t find him endearing in the least.

That’s not to say that I’m giving up on the show. I’m just saying that . . . I may not watch it on Tuesday nights for a while. I’ll still watch it, but it might not be appointment television. I still want to know what’s going to happen, but . . . I’m not in a place right now where I want to sit down specially to watch people I don’t like make decisions I don’t agree with. And I am not going to apologize for that. So, I thought this was a good time to let you know – I’ll keep watching and writing my responses, but they might be later in the week than they have been. Deal?

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