An honor and a privilege.

Mike and I went away this weekend to stay at Casa Holland and see the Braves, have storytime with Trey and Aaron, play poker, watch That Thing You Do, and stay at Cafe Intermezzo until way way past “ungodly hours” and on into “so ridiculously late it’s early.”

As expected, we had a lot of fun, and there are tons of stories to tell. Today, though, what I’ve been thinking is that when I’m not feeling my best, be it tired or sad or sneezy (I was all three of those dwarves this weekend), I revert a bit. This weekend, I felt like I reverted to some insecurities that I hadn’t been dealing with lately, telling Mike that I knew everyone had to be sick of me sneezing (I took Claratin!) and being tired (we were all tired) and sad (I doubt anyone actually begrudges me feeling sad). I tried to perk up and be happy, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that everyone would be having a better time if I wasn’t there.

I haven’t done much of that these days, being so insecure in my relationships. I’ve been fighting it. When you don’t feel 100%, though, it’s easier to slip into those patterns. When you’re already worried that everyone is so over you being sad, it’s easier to imagine that sneezing your way through IKEA may make even your husband want to throw you out of a window. Or at least into a bin of spatulas. I wonder sometimes if I’m ever going to believe that my friends care about me enough to have patience with all my crap. (Or snot, as the case may be.)

It’s a cliche, but it does seem true that life is about making progress and losing some of that ground again. I imagine it as a dance – you move forward, you move back, but most important is that you keep your footing. I stumbled a bit this weekend, but I am thankful that, despite my insecurities, I was mostly buoyed along in the fun, and that my friends gave me the space to be myself. I just wish that who I was this weekend was someone a little more energetic.

Really, what I learned this weekend was about grace. Community living will do that for you. In the midst of taking turns with showers and watching Friends and caravanning our way around Atlanta and eating entirely too much food, I was reminded of how great it is to know people who will open their house to you for a weekend, how great it is to stay with people who are willing to put up with some inconvenience to spend time with you, how great it is to make new friends and open your heart. How all those things, big and small, are part of what makes life here so wondrous.

When I started working on these thoughts, I was thinking of the weekend in terms of missed opportunities – conversations I didn’t get to have, time I didn’t get to utilize. But now . . . now I see that wasn’t really what the weekend was about after all. I got to see people taking time out of their lives to love and enjoy each other, which was just exactly the three-day weekend I needed.

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