Squealing on the inside.

Now that Melissa has outed herself on the internet (and is at 11 weeks), I think it’s okay to talk about the fact that she’s pregnant again. When she called me and told me, I didn’t really do the woe-is-me-I-am-so-far-behind-everyone-as-far-as-having-children-goes thing that I used to do. I am behind most of my friends on the baby-having thing. I am so far behind that the only possible thing I can do is just accept it. And eat chocolate.

When she told me, I wanted to do the girly thing and jump up and down and squeal, but I was in the car with some coworkers. And I don’t really squeal. So I said something like, “YAY!” And then, later that day, I went to see her, and I told her I was jumping up and down and squealing on the inside. Even if it didn’t really look like it. (I think I might have had on heels that day, because normally I don’t mind jumping for excitement.) What I’d like to know, though, is whether squealing is something you’re born knowing how to do, or whether you have to practice it. It seems like practicing it wouldn’t work. Squealing has to be spontaneous, right? I’m not a very loud girl. It’s often hard to hear me in a crowd. Does loudness have anything to do with squealing? And what, exactly, is squealing supposed to sound like? When I try to squeal, it always comes out as, “Eeeeeeee.” Imagine that a little louder at first, tapering off near the end because I realize how pathetic it sounds. I just tried it. It was horrible. I’m sitting at my computer trying to squeal so that, when I hear really exciting news, I’ll be able to respond. Should I just get a sign to carry around for that kind of thing? It could say *SQUEAL* and I could jump up and down and hold it. I’d be willing to do this if my friends deem it necessary, because I don’t want them to think I’m not excited about their news. I’m excited! I just don’t know how to show it in a girly way.

Squealing is just one of those things where I wonder if I missed the gene. So if you give me exciting news and all I do is clap and say, “YAY!” please know that I’m squealing on the inside. The squeals are trapped inside me. If we could only find a way to get them out.

You know, I wrote this whole thing, and it’s humorous, me trying to squeal to be a better girl, but it really does speak to some big insecurities of mine, which is whether I’m girly enough about things. I worry because I like spicy food and sports and I don’t know how to squeal. I worry even though I like Gilmore Girls and scrapbooking and I wear pink. I worry that my friends don’t know that I care about them, because sometimes it’s inside me but I don’t know how to say it. I worry that being so closed off will push them away. I’m way better than I used to be, but I’m still learning how to be demonstrative and affectionate with my friends (although I do let them sit close to me now without being all, “I need some personal space”), and how to be comfortable with who I really am, girly or not.

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