Driving rain chauffeurs me to redemption

On the way to church last night, I left the music off and left the phone in my purse. I had a couple of things on my mind, something that had been bugging me all day, and I needed to give myself some space to think about it, to wonder why I’ve been carrying so many feelings about this issue lately, even though it’s something I’ve tried to put behind me over and over again.

As I was thinking and praying about it, what I realized was that I still don’t really want to put it behind me, because what I want is to be vindicated first. That’s why I’m still angry. I thought about it and prayed about it, and I asked God, again, to help me put the anger and the fear and the people pleasing that this issue always brings up behind me. I feel like I’ve said and done all of this a hundred times, and tonight I realized that I will probably do it a hundred more (but I promise to try not to post about it a hundred more times). Maybe part of the problem is that I’m not letting myself enjoy the process, that I’m wanting instant change, for these feelings to go away. Instead, maybe I should be willing to get down in the dirt of my soul and wrestle with this stuff a little more than I have been. Maybe I should be a little less focused on the end goal. It always helps me to think of it as working out my salvation – not that my salvation depends on this one thing, but that working it out is actually going to be beneficial to me.

It was nice to be at church among friends and to get a break from some of these endless mental cartwheels. And on the way home, I left the phone in my purse, but I did put on Miranda Stone’s 7 Deadly Sins, which is my go-to February album. I expected to play it through, but I kept playing the first song over and over.

This time is the last time and this time is the last time . . .

What I realized is that I need a new beginning. I need to start over with this whole situation and actually believe that forgiveness is possible, actually believe that I could put it behind me. Inspired by some of the words of the song, I decided to think of the rain that was falling as a sort of baptism, that I was going to move from this pattern into a new kind of life.

Driving rain chauffeurs me to redemption
Working out my dishonorable mention

The thing about baptism is that it doesn’t mean that you do everything perfectly afterward. It’s an outward sign of your inner change. Everything didn’t change in the car last night, either to church or on the way home from it. But maybe I’m finally ready to allow that change to come.

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