Crying in the dark

I have talked on here about trying to stand up for myself and being honest about my preferences, but it’s really hard. Last night there was a discussion (it’s not really important what it was about) and I made a conscious decision not to agree with everyone else just to make them happy. Good thing, right? “Be what you’re like! Be like yourself!” I wasn’t being antagonistic, but I wanted to state my preference (“How can it be b***s*** to state a preference?”) like everyone else had. And I left that room feeling that disparaging remarks were being made about me as soon as the door was closed behind me.

I can’t really put into words how hard that was for me. It weighed on me all evening. We got into bed and Mike turned to me and said, “Are you going to tell me about it?” And I turned off the light and just cried and cried as he held me. I didn’t know how to say it. Is it such a weird thing to want to have friends with similar interests who come from the same basic beliefs? Are my opinions such that no one but Mike can put up with me? I get tired of feeling that I have to be funny or clever all the time so people will like me. I get tired of all that performance. I desire to have friends on a deeper level than that. I do have good friends, I know. But I also feel like something is missing. I have been wondering lately if “grown-up friends” just don’t have the kind of connection that comes so easily in college. And even my college friends live elsewhere or are having babies or are just busy with their own lives.

Or maybe the problem is me. Maybe all my walls and defenses have pushed people away. Maybe I have done this to myself.

I have been so incredibly lonely lately. I am good at pushing those feelings down and settling for less. But sometimes a stupid conversation will bring those desires for acceptance to the forefront, and even my normal coping mechanisms don’t work. Today, though, I’ll stuff those feelings and hope that everyone ignores my puffy eyes. I’ll try to focus on the good and ignore the sadness in my chest. I will be glad I stayed true to myself, even though it was hard. And I’ll pretend my heart doesn’t feel like it wants to split apart.

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