Then what about the times when even followers get lost?

Last night Mike and I skipped small group and had a good talk about some things. He’s pretty concerned about me these days, and rightly so. I have talked before (especially here) about my walls and my fears. I am aware that I am in a lot of pain and that only God can help, but I am very afraid that in order to do so he has to Teach Me a Lesson. And I’m pretty sure that will hurt.

Somewhere along the line I started to believe some things that aren’t really true about God. At least, I think that’s what’s happened. I missed out on the caring father part and I only see the strict disciplinarian. My dad? Not like that at all. So I’m not sure where all this came from, to be honest. I am a perfectionist to be sure, and I have made plenty of mistakes. I think I imagine God treating me like I would treat myself if I were him.

What keeps coming to mind is the picture of Eustace Scrubb when he was changed into a dragon. For a lot of people, it’s a pretty inspiring picture (in fact, it used to encourage me a great deal), because Aslan sets Eustace free to be the boy he was created to be. But it hurts terribly, and right now I can’t imagine surrendering enough to let God do that to me. After all, Aslan as a Christ figure “is not safe.” If he’s not safe, then it’s going to hurt and I might be worse off than I am now.

The problem is that I’m forgetting the second half of the quote. It’s true that he’s not safe . . . “but he’s good.” All I can remember these days is the first part, and the somewhat scary implications it has.

Mike and I talked about all these things – my pain and my fears and my doubt. He kept correcting me when I said things that weren’t true, and he knows I learn a lot from reading, so he has some books he wants me to read. He said I needed to stop focusing on trying to get anywhere, and just learn how to rest and stop fighting God so much.

I’m willing to try, but it’s not going to be easy. (Plus, I’m afraid he’s going to make me read some schmaltzy book by Max Lucado. hehe.)

On a somewhat related note, I enjoy a few songs on Andrew Peterson’s Love and Thunder CD, but I have never been a fan of the whole CD. This morning when I was driving, I randomly gave it a spin and heard these lyrics:

It’s enough to drive a man crazy; it’ll break a man’s faith
It’s enough to make him wonder if he’s ever been sane
When he’s bleating for comfort from thy staff and Thy rod
And the heaven’s only answer is the silence of God

I haven’t paid much attention to that song before, but it really speaks to where I am right now. The song doesn’t just let you wallow, either – there’s some hope:

And the man of all sorrows, He never forgot
What sorrow is carried by the hearts that He bought
So when the questions dissolve into the silence of God
The aching may remain, but the breaking does not
The aching may remain, but the breaking does not
In the Holy, lonesome echo of the silence of God

So that’s where I am today. I feel a little more hopeful than I have in a few weeks.

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