Something I’ve been longing for and dreaming about

This morning I was thinking what I could write about, and the word that kept coming into my head was longing. “What am I longing for?” I thought. I like my job, I have a new house, Mike and I are doing well. And yet, there is a sense of discontentment, something missing. I touched on this a bit the other day, how I tend to focus on things that make me discontented instead of pursuing contentment.

I have been told quite a bit lately that I am expecting God to work a certain way, and when he doesn’t, I act as if he has let me down. People say that, and I think it’s true, but I also do feel very let down, abandoned, even, by God, and I’m not sure how to change that. It’s not as if these comments are suddenly opening my eyes to a new revelation, and suddenly my heart has changed and the world is in technicolor again. Instead, I hear my friends say these things, and I know they are true, but I can’t figure out what to do. And I get resentful – my friends make it sound as if it’s supposed to be easy. “Just trust,” or, “Live in truth,” or, “Take that step of faith.” Well, okay. Any idea how to do that? How do I make my cold heart respond to the Lord, when I am afraid it will just hurt again, or that I will be abandoned again in my need?

The women in my family have always been strong women of faith. I always thought I was, too. And, I guess the fact that I haven’t given up does give me a little hope. It’s not as if I believe that God has abandoned me forever – just that he abandoned me when I needed him the most, and I can’t seem to find him again, because I am afraid of opening my heart to him again.

I feel kind of like a spoiled child, to be honest. But I’m afraid of being even more broken than I already have been.

So, what am I longing for? Healing, I think. Healing of my heart and of my relationship with God.

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