Confusion Abounds

I know that I have claimed to enjoy the messiness of Christianity, the working out of my faith. I probably meant it when I said it. But, the truth is, I don’t do well when things are unsettled. And things have been kind of chaotic for the last month or so. Not just house stuff, not even mostly house stuff. Things on a personal level have just been kind of jumbled and intense and confusing. Miscommunication is the word of the month.

Today I went to see the counselor I have been meeting with for the past few months. It had been a month since I met with her, and I hadn’t finished the assignments she gave me (see above re: recent chaos in my life). When I told some of my friends that last night, they were proud of me for not doing my assignments. They knew that it would take a lot for me to not do my homework, and they were proud of me for not beating myself up about it. [Full disclosure: I don’t want to do the assignments I’ve been given. So I didn’t exactly make time to do them.] That encouraged me, and made me brave for today. What happened today? Well, I wasn’t beating myself up, but she did that quite enough for the both of us.

“Kari, if you don’t do your assignments, we aren’t going to be able to be as fruitful as we would if you completed them. Counseling is not just about this time here . . . it’s more about your growth in the time you spend away from here.” Well, for lack of a better word, duh.

The best way to motivate me is definitely not to act disappointed in me. It makes things worse. I am hard enough on myself as it is. If you act disappointed in me, I am probably either going to beat myself up or harden my heart. As I was sitting there, I felt myself go cold. I know if she had said, “It sounds like you’ve had a hard and busy time, and I completely understand . . . can you try to have them done in two weeks?” that I would have been so much more responsive.

I am not sure what to do. Part of my hard-heartedness is undoubtedly the assignments themselves. I could explain what they are, but, it just boils down to the fact that I don’t want to do them, that I see them as kind of overwhelming. I have asked repeatedly how they will help me so that I could get motivated to do them, and I have gotten no answer. I want to buy into them, but when she won’t tell me how they will help me, well, that makes it hard. Another part of it is . . . how do I say this? I see all these problems in my life, and I want to talk about them and talk about scripture in relation to them. Not the things I’ve been assigned. I know that it’s all supposed to build to a point where it will help me, but I can’t see where we’re going, and I get no response when I ask. And it boils down to the fact that I don’t trust that she really understands me, so I don’t trust that these assignments will ultimately be helpful.

So, I feel kind of stuck. Do I need to bow out? I hate being a quitter. But neither do I feel like this is helping like I had hoped. Are my expectations just too high?

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