Ramblings on my Faith

If God wants you to have that house, you can’t stop Him. –Alisa

I thought, rather than responding to the comments, I’d just make this a new post. Alisa is absolutely right. I do believe that, if God wants us to live there, we will.

It’s complicated, though.

The aforementioned Great Disappointment was something that happened almost seven years ago (so it’s not as if I haven’t gotten over something that happened two weeks ago). It was something that was really important to me, probably the most important thing in my life at the time, and it didn’t work out. I had prayed about it a lot, and, really, God was the only one who could have made it work. But he didn’t. And, to this day, I don’t understand it. Obviously God doesn’t owe me a reason, but he often does give reasons that help us be at peace with things, and so we can see his greatness and understand his plan. There has not yet been any understanding on my part regarding this issue, and it’s still a huge wound in my heart.

Because of that, I have in the past started freaking out when big things come up, because I am afraid they won’t work out, that the rug will be pulled out from under me. More recently, I just don’t hope for things. Mike is very very excited about our new house. I am taking a wait-and-see approach. I’ll believe it when our boxes are actually in the house. I don’t want to let it become important to me, because I feel very afraid that God will take it away from me for no apparent reason.

Somewhere along the line, I have lost sight of God’s love for me, and I see him as completely arbitrary or a strict disciplinarian – only doing stuff to “teach me a lesson.” I don’t walk around in my daily life thinking, “God is out to get me,” but when something big comes up, I always seem to revert to that way of thinking.

Living without hope is not a fun way to live. The scriptures teach that hope is very important in the life of a believer. I don’t know how to turn this over to God, when he’s the one who caused these hard things to happen. I don’t know how to take that step and trust him. I feel kind of stuck.

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