Dear Atticus,
I said the other day that I have closely guarded your bedtime since you were about 6 weeks old. In the spring and early summer, this meant that we did not do much of anything at all in the evenings. This was okay with me because it was my choice.
I went back to work when you were 10 weeks old, and at that point, I was very protective of our weekends as well. Each morning during the week, we were all up and out of the house by 7:15. I personally did not want to do that (or much of anything) on the weekends, and so we spent a lot of time at home. I didn’t want you to have to sleep in your car seat a whole lot, so we tried to be home for naps. This was also okay with me because I was doing what I thought was best for you.
A lot of people have disagreed with my choices. They think that I was staying at home too much. That I was being anti-social. That I should have taken you everywhere so you would learn how to adjust. I heard about some of the things that were said, saw the looks on some faces as we turned things down in order to stay at home. I am a first-time mom, so I will admit that I could have been doing things wrong, even with the best of intentions, but the people who were critical didn’t ask me why I was doing those things.
I stayed at home because, when I was working, I was pumping five times a day and nursing you five additional times. I stayed at home because I was exhausted, because I had no energy for reading, let alone getting out of the house. I stayed at home because I am an introvert, and because navigating social dynamics seemed overwhelmingly difficult. I stayed at home because I wanted to be at home, and because I wanted you to be at home. You were learning enough about adjusting during the week.
I also stayed at home because I knew it was not forever. Because you are not going to be a baby for that long, and it was important for me to do what I felt was right for you at the time, even if it meant being a little bit lonely and a whole lot left out. Other people have the ability to make different choices. Perhaps they are extroverts or stay-at-home moms or aren’t breastfeeding. Any combination of those things might have given them more energy than I had back in the spring.
All of your life, you will make choices that feel right to you that people will disagree with. You will probably not be given an opportunity to defend yourself. If you are anything like me, you will desperately want to defend yourself, to make your side of the story known. That is why it is so important to be comfortable and secure in your own decisions. I want to teach you to do what is right, even if other people disagree. To know and listen to yourself. And to be compassionate when other people choose differently because they are doing what they are able to do.
Now that you are bigger, we are able to get out and do more, and we are all happier for it. Still, I do not regret having been a homebody in the spring. I did what I had to do to make it. I am thankful now that our Saturdays are full of fun and errands, and I am thankful for those rainy Sundays back in the spring when we stayed in our pajamas. As far as I am concerned, life needs both of those things.
Love,
Mama
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6 Comments
Kari…I love this whole series of letters. Thanks for your honesty & vulnerability.
and I still barely left my house for the first 9 months of Berkley’s life. There’s something about cherishing that time at home that was beautiful and safe and right. As you posted a couple of days ago…what a blessing it is that we can make the choices we want for our children and for ourselves. That in itself is such a gift, isn’t it?
FYI I am an extrovert, a stay at home mom, and I didn’t breastfeed
Kari, just like Courtney said, thank you for your honesty. There is something about parenthood that just seems to invite everyone’s two cents, isn’t there? I mean, gosh, I don’t think I’ve ever gotten so many people’s “advice” and “opinions” as I have since I announced my pregnancy with our little one a last summer. How do people forget so easily that different does not mean wrong?
I am an extrovert, a stay-at-home mom, and I breastfeed our 8.5 month old. He was born in the cold winter month of February, so I chose to stay close to home for much of his infancy, too. We rarely did things in the evenings, and often, I was in bed by 8:30! As an extrovert, I was incredibly lonely much of the time, but like you, I felt I was making the right decisions for us.
Keep making the choices that are right for you, for Atticus, and for your family. Yes, sometimes, it can feel like a solitary road, but you are doing the sacred job of raising one of God’s little ones, entrusted in your care.
1) Friends should always give you the benefit of the doubt, and give you opportunity to explain yourself when they feel like they are being wronged in some way. If they don’t, then they’re not very good at being friends, even if their hearts are in the right place.
2) Lazy weekends in pajamas are THE BEST. My family does them a lot.
“That is why it is so important to be comfortable and secure in your own decisions. I want to teach you to do what is right, even if other people disagree. To know and listen to yourself. And to be compassionate when other people choose differently because they are doing what they are able to do.” That would be a wonderful lesson for him to learn. [Hell, I'm not always there myself.]
These types of things — the unwanted advice, the less-than-understanding public — are part of the reason I am nervous about that day when Jordan and I have children. I am nervous because I watched my parents get judged for making decisions they felt were best for us (namely, a Christian education). I watch my friends, most of whom stay at home all day with their new babies, and I wonder: How do they not go crazy? What kind of mom will I be? Will I do things like my own mother, or will I do things differently? Will I still have friends? HOW DOES THIS WORK? Anyway, I do not know when babies or children will enter our lives, our homes, and our hearts, but these letters you are writing are a comfort to that side of me (the very large side of me) that is unsure of it all, that is hesitant about what that future could look like. And just as with anything else, I think we all have to make the decisions we feel our best for us, for the ones we love. That involves sacrifice sometimes, but I think that’s okay. We are learning and growing, just like Atticus.
You are exactly right to nestle in with your child. How else will you get to know him? Also, this is a bit of a first baby phenomena. You can shield your baby from anyone’s desires, except their older sibling’s
Dashiel lived on playground, napped over my shoulder in pools, and was socialized at birthday parties all before three months. Having a baby in the house meant nothing to Jocelyn’s dance card. So, yes, I’ll say it: eat it up now. This time with just the two of you is worth more than you’ll ever know.