In college, thrilled to be involved in campus ministry, I said yes to a lot of things and spent a lot of nights per week being busy. Bible studies plus working plus, you know, college and homework. I learned a lot of things about planning events and friendship. But mostly what I learned was how to say no. I needed more boundaries in my life, and I slowly erected walls to protect my time.
While these walls were pretty comfortable, I think it is safe to say that I missed out on some things by keeping them so high.
When we said yes to Atticus, I immediately started worrying about whether I was fit to be a mother. Because I am so boring. Because I live such a small life. Because I am afraid to try things.
And so I resolved to start saying yes more. To take leaps of faith, to try things, to be less afraid of looking foolish. It might not be what you think of as parenting, but it was the first glimmer of parenting I could wrap my mind around.
My very first resolution was to go parasailing this summer. I sat on the beach last summer watching the parasailers and feeling Atticus kick and made plans. When we arrived for our vacation this summer, I made sure that everyone knew I meant it. Parasailing is not that big of a deal. But I had never done it! And Mike would never ever agree to do it with me! It was, to me, a symbol of the sort of mom I want to be for Atticus.
Atticus, though, had different plans for me. His idea of a beach vacation is apparently to avoid sleep as much as possible. After a week of sleep deprivation, I ended up sleeping only about three hours on the night before our reservations. I was in no shape to do much of anything. In fact, we came home a day early. It cost time and money and frustration to cancel, and I felt so foolish for even having thought of going. Instead of me trying something new, it was a sad story with a lot of crying (me from fatigue, Atticus maybe because he was having a growth spurt). I want my life to tell a good story, including the motherhood part, and my first attempt was a failure.
(We are experiencing technical difficulties this morning, so if you don’t see the video, you can click here to watch it on YouTube.)
When I got home, I saw this video by Jenny the Bloggess, and it helped. (Disclaimer for my mother: language.) I am definitely the sort of person to sit on the side and think, “Oh, I bet that was fun.” (It’s part of not joining things and also not wanting to look dumb.) I am new at this whole “saying yes” thing, but what I learned from Jenny is that it takes both a willing attitude and some time. With practice, maybe I can make it more of a regular thing and less like something on my to-do list.
I don’t have a bucket list or a life list, mostly because of that whole small life thing I mentioned above. Small dreams, too. But it has helped, when making decisions, to think if something might be a bucket list item for me. If I might regret sitting to the side. So I have said yes to a few things since that were slightly out of character or maybe a little bit of a stretch for me.
And that is how I found myself in a crowd of old people and gay men at a Dolly Parton concert.
I’ll come back and tell you about Dolly in a couple of days. Meanwhile, you tell me about your bucket list items or maybe if you have a hard time saying yes. Or no.
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11 Comments
College ministry also challenged me to build boundaries. I’m still slow to join things, and I will probably always struggle with wanting to make everyone happy. (That’s really not a campus ministry issue, but it probably explains part of why I ended up so overly involved in Crusade.) But I’ve gotten better at striving for balance–and saying “No, I need to take a break from this.” It’s still hard for me, but it’s something I’m constantly working at.
I think I follow your lead on yes then no. I’ve had to learn in the last few years back to say no to extra responsibility because the stress was going to kill me [and nearly did so], but at the same time I avoid saying yes to thinks that have a lot of risk to them. I, too, have been trying to bust out of that self-isolation. I’ve found it hard but generally worth doing. I’m sad that you didn’t get to parasail, but crap happens. [See, Carol? I censored myself.]
When the girls were born, I threw up the walls big time. “If it’s not work or the girls, then no” was my answer to everything. Unfortunately, I think I had to because those two things alone have nearly driven me to the point of exhaustion. I miss doing lots of things for lots of people…. wondering myself when I can start saying “yes” to people again.
Jeff, do you think you would have been less exhausted if you had taken more time for restorative fun? Work and parenting are very tiring to me, too, and I like to have time at home to recharge. But, as Geof said, it’s isolating to just be home.
sometimes, here at age 41, i feel like i have said yes to everything i need to. but i have learned that saying yes to big, physical things, like jumping off waterfalls in the DR, white water rafting makes my boys really happy. they love to see me attempt bravery!
Parasailing is one of the most relaxing things you will ever do.
I have a hard time getting out of the house for things other than work. For those I’m close to, I define them as family and doing things with them doesn’t feel like leaving the house. For everyone else…it’s kind of difficult. At the moment, the only family I have are my wife and stepdaughter; I don’t have any friends close enough to feel comfortable around.
You’ve got a long life ahead of you. Call this event a good learning experience, rather than a failure.
I have a really, really hard time saying no. I think it was at it’s worst in college; I can be a people-pleaser, and I hated the look on people’s faces (often, I think, more imagined than real) when I would have to say no. Now that I work at a desk 8.5 hours a day (far more tiring and energy-sucking than it sounds), though, I find I just don’t have the time/energy/effort to expend on multiple activities. Some things (like book club or supper club) I love and WANT to say yes to. But others — like talking on the phone, or getting together with not-as-close acquaintances, or (is this okay to say) church activities — I just want to say no. It’s a constant struggle for me, but I think I’m finding as I get older that No — especially when there’s purpose behind it — is okay to say. (I was just telling Jordan the other day that I wished I could have a little cabin in the woods to retreat to when I feel burdened by all the “yeses” I’ve said. I have a tendency to commit, commit, commit, until, eventually, I just crash. I have to stop that…)
oh, girl…this is great. i wanted to ask you about that tonight, the dolly concert!?! so awesome, friend. you do rock as a mom, btw. you’re a way cooler mom than i am…i was scared to even try to parasail!!
Kari, I don’t know you, but I happened across your blog while searching for something else….I read a couple of entries and thought, “She sounds like someone I could be friends with!” I then read your bio and found out that you’re a school librarian–as am I.
Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I’ve enjoyed your blog….keep writing, and God’s blessings to you and your family!
This is a really important post. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. It took me a long time to be willing to try things that I wasn’t sure I would be able to do well, and there are still things I won’t do, but I think now it’s more of a struggle to say “no” when I need to so that my life doesn’t get eaten up with things that become urgent to do, but not necessarily the most important things I could be doing. The willingness to take some risks and try challenging things is an important attribute. I recently read Carol Dweck’s “Mindset” which is about a growth mindset vs a fixed mindset. A growth mindset is the one that is willing to accept challenges that help us learn and grow. I hear in your post that you are working on developing this mindset for yourself, which is something I’ve been working on for myself for many years. I really recommend this book to you and to your other readers. It’s especially applicable to teachers and parents (and grandparents, in my case). As for your parasailing adventure (or lack of), it is definitely not a failure. You were willing to try and even had the appointment. It’s not a failure on your part that you were overtired from being a mom and had sense enough not to try something new at that point. And you are ahead of me in even planning to parasail – I’m not even close to taking on that adventure! Now I’m waiting to see the post about Dolly Parton!