Things I have not lost: The last of the baby weight. I am okay with this in the sense that I do have more respect for my body now, having grown and pushed out a baby. And having kept said baby alive for nearly six months using nothing but my body. I am able to be somewhat kinder to its softness. I haven’t pushed it to do much of anything in the way of exercise because of the importance of the almighty milk supply. But I will admit that I wish I could get my rings to fit. I miss them.
Things I have lost: My work keys. The book I was reading. A shirt (don’t worry, it’s not a salacious story. I lost it from the laundry basket). The to-do list. Words. Entire events. Apparently, my mind. Some days, my faith . . . or at least the ability to work on my end of things. Me.
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Two books have helped in the past week. They were ostensibly about very different things, but both focused on our responses to God’s love. I feel pretty far from that these days, unsure about what I have done wrong or how to bend God’s ear this way. The books made me feel as if I might be able to find my way back to that love, or at least made me feel as if it could really be there.
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Before I went back to work, people said it was the hardest thing I would ever do. They meant the part about leaving my baby with someone else. But that has been okay. I am worried about daycare germs in the fall and how sick he might be, but we have found a nice daycare that even made it possible for us to use cloth diapers. I like work, and I like the nice people I work with. My standard answer is that I wish there were more hours for sleeping, but that we are all doing well.
But going back to work made me feel invisible. There is no faster way, apparently, to get your friends to stop calling you than to be a working mom (I know I should say work-outside-the-home moms, but it takes so long to type. Can we just agree that I know that all moms work and leave it at that? Thanks). There are no blogs for working moms (because we are too tired to write them). The parenting books only address working moms in the “problems and concerns” section. I looked for something to read that might help this hole in my heart, but everything related to Christianity assumes that the woman is staying at home. No wonder I have felt lost. I cannot find a place for myself anywhere, and I have been too exhausted to try to carve one out. You might have noticed that I didn’t write down good things. This is not because there weren’t any, because of course good things were happening every day. It was because there didn’t seem to be a point.
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When I went back to work, I would get up every morning, get mostly ready, and then feed Atticus. I am still not one to get mystical and magical about breastfeeding, but those minutes snuggling with him and drinking my coffee were my favorite time of day, a pause before everything else began. I had nothing else to do but sit and wait for him to finish eating. And the coffee, oh, the glorious coffee. It’s pretty mystical and magical, if you ask me.
Now that it is summer vacation, we get to stay in bed until Atticus wakes up, and we all snuggle together while he eats. We have nothing else to do, but Mike still brings me the coffee. Atticus wriggles and giggles and we all laugh together. I think that these moments are where the finding can happen, where we learn to carve out our place together. One thing I learned this spring is that I have trouble doing it alone.
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11 Comments
I’m glad you wrote this. What are the books you read?
@brandi: Walking on Water by Madeleine L’Engle and Love Wins by some heretic.
I hear that working mom thing loud and clear. We are not that uncommon and yet there is nothing for us. I am strongly considering starting a working moms fellowship group through our church where we can all talk and relate the difficulties and struggles that we face that are so different from the stay at home moms. Any interest in that?
Beautiful post as always, Kari. My heart aches for your pain, and I fervently hope that you may find comfort and respite soon.
Loved Walking on Water when I read it years ago. I should dust it off and reread it. :~)
I have the blessing of being a stay at home mom, and I really can’t imagine going back to work. I think I’d feel so … stretched. Then again, I thought staying at home full-time would be hard, and it hasn’t been. I think that has been the Lord’s doing, though.
Atticus is just a couple months older than our little guy, and I appreciate you blogging your thoughts as he grows. Even though the focus of your writing isn’t always on him, I feel like you help me process motherhood and myself better. :~)
Finally, I love the tribute to your parents and the story of the ring. What an incredible blessing to have such godly parents … neither my husband nor I had examples like that, but we are doing our best to grow in grace and love so that one day, our kids will remember us the way you do your parents.
Oh, Kari, this comment made me laugh. I do love Walking on Water, and I haven’t read the heretic’s book yet but I plan to. But mostly I just want to tell you…that this post was beautiful. I am no mother. Not even a wife. I don’t know what it’s like. But I’m rooting for you.
Wonderful beautiful post. And very soon, hopefully you’ll have something new to read…
http://www.youtube.com/JKRowlingAnnounces
i am no kind of mom but i do empathize with not quite fitting in with a community to which you belong. i’m always encouraged to know there are others. i hope you find the peace you are searching for because i think you sound like a kick-ass momma.
I was a working mom until 4 1/2 years ago. My oldest is 10. And you’re right, within the Christian community it is hard to know where you fit. My church friends were stay-at-home moms. And most of my work friends weren’t moms. It felt like I inhabited some sort of nebulous space where no one else lived. Also? I had lots of identity issues and spiritual grapplings in the early days (years?) of motherhood. You’re not alone. And God is near, even if He doesn’t feel so near.
One day at a time…
You have a place in my heart. And you are right about the places to begin to find your place. This is beautiful. I really like you, you know that?
I have peeked in on your blog for about a year now. Today is the first time I have felt compelled to share. I am a corporate working mom of three boys. I found that going back to work was one of the best things for me. I became a better mom and a better person. There are more of us out there. Best of luck.
Jennifer
PS – I have been blogging since my twins turned two. I found that as they get older, it gets easier to blog and more fun. Plus, it is a great way to have a visual record of their life (and mine) and lets me off the hook for putting together a baby book!