To whom it may concern.

Stuntman Mike's Box

(This picture reminded me of some old-school Derek Webb, but instead of running across a box of letters, it’s a box of music. Just go with it, okay?)

We haven’t done this in a while!

Dear Man on the Next Elliptical,

You are coughing or snorting kind of a lot. It is very distracting. And also weird. I keep trying not to look at you, but I can’t help it. Do you know you are making that noise? Can you help it? Can you please make it stop?

Do you need a tissue? I really want to help.

Dear Book I am Reading While on the Elliptical,

I was enjoying you quite a lot, but the part where you decided that the mind actually has no control over the body was kind of uninspiring to someone who is exercising. Yes, I know that a real athlete would run outside on such a nice day. What made you think that I was anything resembling a real athlete?

I did, however, run 3.1 miles in exactly 30 minutes today.
-Kari (that’s a new record for me)

PS – Do I actually have to go back to running outside? I am so spoiled.

Dear Woman at Starbucks,

Why are you so annoying? No, seriously, what with the, “I don’t have a TV OR cable,” and, “I work for social services,” and your super complicated drink order. I think even the guy you were with was annoyed by you. So of course everyone around you WHO COULD HEAR EVERY WORD BECAUSE YOU WERE TALKING REALLY LOUDLY ABOUT HOW AWESOME YOU ARE was also annoyed.

Just . . . stop it.

Dear Food Lion,

If I have to shop at 5:00, which I do not enjoy, I have to say that it is nice to shop with you. Your employees always greet me and answer my questions. Last week I went to that OTHER grocery store and wandered for several minutes before I found anyone to help me. So thanks for all the help. You rock.

Also your prices are lower. I especially enjoy the cheap bottles of wine.

Not a wino,

Dear Girl Scout Cookies, Bejeweled, and Hershey Kisses with Caramel,

Listen, I need you to stop. Mike is unable to control himself around you. Cookies, you need to stop being so tempting. Bejeweled, you need to stop being so mind-numbing. And Hershey Kisses, you are essentially crack. Leave my husband alone, sweet things and Bejeweled. I beg you.

My personal form of crack is chips and salsa,

Dear Olympics,

Please stop making me cry with inspiring stories. Whenever other people start crying, I also cry. It’s getting embarrassing. In related news, could you speak to NBC about how it doesn’t really WORK for me to stay up until MIDNIGHT to find the results of figure skating? Olympics, I love you, but I am not as young as I used to be.

Is this why I actually enjoyed the ice dancing? I always thought it was boring before but now I am OLD.

Dear Curling,

You continue to be awesome. Please never change. Unless you add flaming brooms.

Also, please ask the Norwegian curlers to never change their pants.

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  1. I followed the link to the Norwegian curling pants and thought about purchasing, but $90?!? Fashion sadness. 🙁

    Posted 2/24/2010 at | Permalink
  2. Carol

    I used to think the ice dancing was boring, but now it seems to be much more fun and competitive, especially this year. It could be because of all the interesting and/or outrageous costumes (especially in the short programs), or it could be the fact that the chief contenders (and eventual winners) were from Canada and the US. It could also be that divas and drama (along with suspicious judging) don’t seem to dominate the sport as they did in times past. Whatever it is, I like it much better, and as a result of this Olympics I have become a fan.

    Posted 2/24/2010 at | Permalink
  3. OK — this was just FUN to read. Plus also slightly hilarious.
    Thank you! : )

    Posted 2/24/2010 at | Permalink
  4. @scott: I hope Mike isn’t reading this, because then he would know WHAT HE IS GETTING FOR HIS BIRTHDAY.

    Posted 2/24/2010 at | Permalink
  5. Susan

    I sadly have not seen any curling, because I didn’t realize that NBC wouldn’t be SHOWING any curling!! Stupid NBC. But I have pretty much been crying my way through these Olympic games.

    Posted 2/24/2010 at | Permalink
  6. i hope snorty man finally stopped snorting…or coughing…or whatever he was doing. and i’m with you on the olympic crying spells…i mean i love them, but enough on the waterworks! fun post… i always love your letters.

    Posted 2/25/2010 at | Permalink
  7. Jen

    You are so funny. Seriously, I had the worst. day. ev-a. I stop by here, and am smiling to end the day.
    Thank you for your brilliance. Shine on sista.

    Take extra good care,

    Posted 4/10/2010 at | Permalink

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