Here is your life.

We’re not really leaving the house much these days. The books, they are being read. The football, it is being watched (not by me). The turkey, it is still being eaten. My main accomplishment today is that I didn’t shower until something like 2:00 because we went to the farmer’s market and then ran errands and then went for an actual run. And then I just didn’t feel like it.

I am just starting to realize now exactly how depressed I was over the summer. Hence my giant manifesto for the fall – I needed to have a plan so I could get through. I needed to feel like things were under control. And since I just have one class left to attend, it is looking like I might make it after all. Little mini-breaks like this are so helpful because I can see how easy my insides unwind, even with all the chaos of the renovation around me. I hope it means that I am handling things better. The things that were stressing me out were things that are, well, stressful. I don’t think that I can say that I have learned not to let those sorts of things bother me, but I think that I have learned that being very intentional about certain things, including vitamins and exercise and taking time for myself (which usually means reading) can make a difference.

And though I have not been officially participating in NaBloPoMo, I thought it would be fun to try to post every day this month just to see if I could do it. One thing I have learned this month is that the discipline of writing (and oh, it is definitely a discipline, trying to come up with something to say every day for a month) also helps. It helps me work out those things that knot up my insides. I made the wrong decision over the summer when I took a month off. I think that made things worse. And so this is my public apology to everyone who interacted with me this summer: I’m really sorry about all that.

I have been thinking a lot about this quote by Frederick Buechner:

“The grace of God means something like: Here is your life. You might never have been, but you are because the party wouldn’t have been complete without you.”

I reserve the right to talk about this quote again, but what I have been thinking about are ways to feel more included in this party that we call life rather than always seeing myself as a wallflower. That’s what I want to focus on this year for Advent, the idea that God actually wants me at this party. What are your ways to remember that? How do you focus on that idea of grace?

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One Comment

  1. It’s okay. You put up with me when I’m off. 🙂

    Posted 11/29/2009 at | Permalink

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