Mike has suggested that we designate a shelf for my â€œbooks to readâ€ rather than having a pile beside the bed. I must admit, the pile beside the bed has gotten ridiculous lately. And thatâ€™s not counting the written list I have of books I would theoretically like to read (which I seem to add to more than I take away from). (Thatâ€™s not to say I donâ€™t make progress on it, because I do.)
For the most part, lately, our house has been clean and our yard has been looking much better. Usually those are signs that life is a bit out of control. But lately I have been wondering if my book pile is one of those signs that Iâ€™m trying to do too much. Or maybe that metaphor doesnâ€™t work. Maybe Iâ€™m just trying to read too much.
I told a couple of people yesterday that I felt like butter that has been scraped over too much bread. Thank you, Bilbo, for that particular description. Thereâ€™s no magical Ring making me feel that way, though. Just a general sense that I get from time to time that I canâ€™t connect with everyone Iâ€™d like to connect with. I get jealous of Mikeâ€™s summers off, my friends who can take multiple weeks of vacation. A general sense of longing. This comes, I think, from thinking about THE FUTURE too much. Thatâ€™s how I see it in my head: THE FUTURE. Big letters. Ominous. This has been a fun stage of our lives, with Mike in school, but Mike is going to graduate in less than a year, and what are we going to do after that? Where will he work? What will our lives look like?
It all makes me feel kind of listless, like Iâ€™m not accomplishing anything. My friendships seem to have lagged, my book pile grows. I stare at the ceiling fan at 3:00 in the morning. The past few weeks I have actually wondered if I will ever find a new book to enjoy (I have read a string of duds for sure).
I’m doing the things you do to fight off listlessness – making a playlist, eating ice cream, going running, reading an excellent novel. And I’ll keep trying to fight off Mike’s new love of Bjork. I really don’t want to turn into a Bjork fan. I still haven’t gotten over that swan dress.