KARI: Did I tell you about the giant roach?
MIKE: A giant roach that’s here right now?
KARI: No. I was at my friend’s house and I went to the bathroom and closed the door. And then, as I was sitting on the toilet, I saw that ON THE WALL BEHIND THE DOOR THERE WAS A GIANT ROACH. And everyone was outside, so I couldn’t just leave it. I had to be very brave. So I took off my shoe and hit it with my shoe.
MIKE: Good job. You were very brave.
KARI: Except I missed.
KARI: So then it scurried down the wall and across the floor, and I quickly put my shoe on and stomped it.
MIKE: Good -
KARI: Before you say, “Good job,” you should know that I missed again.
KARI: Well, I kind of grazed it. It was injured.
MIKE: Well, that’s something, I guess.
KARI: So then it was cowering in the corner and I stood there for at least a minute and a half making sure it wasn’t going to move. And then I went and got help. By which I mean, I stucked my head out the door of the house and yelled, “HELP! THERE’S A BUG!” And people laughed at me.
MIKE: “Help, there’s a bug?” Really?
KARI: Yes. And we came back and found it and my friend sprayed it with cleaner and we killed it.
KARI: *shamefully* She.
MIKE: So you tried to hit it twice, missed, and yelled for help. Very brave. Are you sure it was the same roach?
KARI: Yes. How many roaches do you think my friend has?
MIKE: I don’t know. Where there’s one aren’t there others?
KARI: Well, older houses in the South have roaches. Also apartments in New York City. I don’t think there’s anything that can be done to get rid of them all. I’ve never seen roaches here, though.
MIKE: We just have a ladybug infestation. And slugs in the front yard. I did see a roach once.
KARI: IN THE HOUSE?
MIKE: Very brave. No, in the yard. It was dead.
KARI: Did you say to all the other roaches, “This is what happens if you come to our house, suckas!”
MIKE: I put his head on a pole as a warning to all the others.
KARI: This is what happens if you come to our house, suckas!
MIKE: Well, if Kari’s home alone, you might just get grazed. Until someone comes to help.
KARI: *hits Mike with shoe*