I hope the fact that I am in a wedding this Saturday will excuse all the ramblings I have had on marriage this week. Between my almost-married friend asking me for advice, my redecorations causing me to reminisce, and my parents’ anniversary, I have had weddings and marriage on the brain quite a lot.
Alisa’s post earlier this week also had me thinking . . . she was talking about how a married person “knows” that his or her spouse is “the one.” I would have said something similar to what Rich Mullins’ quote said: I simply knew that I didn’t want to live without Mike. I couldn’t conceive of a future without his involvement. I don’t remember a moment where I felt as if the world stopped and a beam of light shone down on Mike as the clouds rearranged themselves to spell out the words, “Kari, Mike is the one. Sincerely, God.” It wasn’t anything so plain (and when is it, really?) but the end result is the same. Whether I feel that it was spelled out in the clouds or I decry the idea of a soulmate altogether, I still must conciously choose every day to honor the vows that I have made. For me lately, that’s been choosing not to make sarcastic remarks and to keep my mouth shut when I’d much rather go in for the kill. It’s tempting to say deliberately hurtful things out of your own fears and pain, but I’ve been trying not to. Honestly, it’s left me feeling pretty defenseless, although I have to admit that’s not a bad thing (just scary).
I was thinking about these things today, because when Mike and I were reading on the couch the other night, I had already gotten ready for bed and taken off my rings. I don’t usually get very tan, but I have been out in the sun a little more than usual this year, and I could see the shadow of where my rings usually are. We are coming up on our fourth anniversary, but I haven’t had a ring tan before. For some reason, looking at it made me think of Song of Solomon:
Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned.
I don’t claim to be an expert on marriage, but I do know that I am being refined.
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7 Comments
Gretchen and I celebrated 8 years of marriage yesterday and we also were at a wedding recently (on the beach at the Outer Banks – the most beautiful wedding I’ve ever been to). Looking back, this is the first year I remember *really* feeling like we’re “the one” for each other. Of course I probably thought it when we were married, and on our first anniversary, and 2nd anniversary, etc. but that seems so long ago (both in years and in terms of our relationship) that I can’t remember it. And I’ll probably look back on this year from sometime in the future and think “we really didn’t feel like we were ‘the one’ for each other” back in 2004. I hope so anyway. Because just like my feelings this year are a great sign of our progressing toward oneness (like everything else it’s a journey, not a destination), my future thought about our lack of oneness right now will be a great sign about our progress at that point.
For me the issue of whether Gretchen is “the one” or not became very simple after our wedding day – she is the woman I’ve maried, therefore she is “the one” for me. I’m not sure I even believe in a “the one” that God has set aside for you to be with except in that regard – God has appointed that we are with one person for the rest of our life, so Gretchen became that when we exchanged our vows. I’m also madly deeply in love with her, but even if I “fall out of love” with her she’s still “the one” for me because I made a vow to God that it would be so. Hope that makes sense.
Sweet!
But you should not go writing things this beautiful about marriage on a week when my wife is 5 hours away preparing to be in a wedding herself. You’ve made a grown man cry…but that’s a good thing.
Oh a ring tan. Its like you never took it off. I like that idea.
I like your insights on marriage.
Oh, and if you get “mystery guests” reading your blog, it’s because I forward some posts to my wife
Thanks, guys! As I was writing this, I was thinking along the lines of what Brian said – my feelings don’t matter as much anymore as my decision to honor the vows I made. I like how he phrased it.
Wow. Just, wow. I’m still in the process of adjusting to the idea that I’m no longer getting married in a couple months… Had to pack away the sewing machine in a hiding place so that I wouldn’t be reminded that my summer will NOT be spent making my bridal gown…
But this post, and all the replies to it, have infinitely helped. Infinite thanks, dearest friends.