This morning I was thinking what I could write about, and the word that kept coming into my head was longing. “What am I longing for?” I thought. I like my job, I have a new house, Mike and I are doing well. And yet, there is a sense of discontentment, something missing. I touched on this a bit the other day, how I tend to focus on things that make me discontented instead of pursuing contentment.
I have been told quite a bit lately that I am expecting God to work a certain way, and when he doesn’t, I act as if he has let me down. People say that, and I think it’s true, but I also do feel very let down, abandoned, even, by God, and I’m not sure how to change that. It’s not as if these comments are suddenly opening my eyes to a new revelation, and suddenly my heart has changed and the world is in technicolor again. Instead, I hear my friends say these things, and I know they are true, but I can’t figure out what to do. And I get resentful – my friends make it sound as if it’s supposed to be easy. “Just trust,” or, “Live in truth,” or, “Take that step of faith.” Well, okay. Any idea how to do that? How do I make my cold heart respond to the Lord, when I am afraid it will just hurt again, or that I will be abandoned again in my need?
The women in my family have always been strong women of faith. I always thought I was, too. And, I guess the fact that I haven’t given up does give me a little hope. It’s not as if I believe that God has abandoned me forever – just that he abandoned me when I needed him the most, and I can’t seem to find him again, because I am afraid of opening my heart to him again.
I feel kind of like a spoiled child, to be honest. But I’m afraid of being even more broken than I already have been.
So, what am I longing for? Healing, I think. Healing of my heart and of my relationship with God.
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4 Comments
to be honest.. the best moments to go to God are when you are broken down…like you say you are now… because then you can be honest with him.. and with yourself… now as for how to do that.. well.. I cant tell you that.. I can tell you how I do that.. but you reach out.. and listen in your own way.. no one can tell you (other than saying “just pray”) how to do that…
For my part.. I will pray for you.. that you will have courage in the Lord and trust him with your heart..
Again, a very nice post Kari.
This looks like a job for The Bible Ass-Man.
ETA: I can’t get Peter’s link to work, so let’s see if it works this way: http://ochuk.gizzar.com/comments.php?entry_id=326 -Kari
“It’s not as if I believe that God has abandoned me forever – just that he abandoned me when I needed him the most”
Obviously I don’t know what has happened to you in life, but I absolutely cannot believe this line (Please take this in love, not in condemnation). Since I don’t know what you’ve been through, I can’t tell you what I think you meant or should have meant by this line, but I’m wondering if you really believe God abandoned you, as in he wasn’t there with you, right beside you, as you went throught whatever you went through. Sure you had to experience something obviously traumatic, but God never said he would keep us from adversity. He only promised to go through it with us. I can say with absolute certainty that whatever you went through, he was there, too.
I hope I don’t sound “preachy”, but this is a point I read about last night…and then I read this post…and I felt the need to stress this point. Someone else has probably already pointed this out to you in a much more convincing way.
Thanks for being such an open book, you really speak to me every time you open up.
Before I clicked the comment link, I carefully crafted in my mind what I would say. Then I read Trey’s comment and realized he said it all so much better. (That’s happened more than once with him!)
Beware of Job’s friends!