A few months ago I got one of those silly “tell about yourself” forwards. I love talking about myself, so I filled it out. The only question I remember is, “What is the worst feeling in the world?” Some of my (super-spiritual) friends put things like, “being far from God.” My answer was just one word: loneliness.
Over the past year, my main struggle has been dealing with loneliness. Last year about this time, I parted ways with my best friend of seven years. I won’t lie – it’s been incredibly hard. It was the right decision, because in many ways we outgrew each other, but I have gone from having someone (I thought) I could always count on to feeling as if I’m not anyone’s top priority. (When I say that, Mike reminds me that I am his top priority. But you all understand what I mean, right?) And that doesn’t even take into consideration the hurt I have had at the way the friendship ended.
I hang out with a group of three really fun girls. Two of them are getting married this year, and the third had a baby last night! They are probably my closest friends at this time in my life. But last night I was reminded (yet again) that I need them a lot more than they need me. They all have other people they are closer to, which makes me feel like the odd woman out. It’s hard when friendships are unbalanced like that. I worry about being too super-needy.
Mike says that, since I so desire to have a best friend, that the Lord will provide one. That I need to be patient. I am afraid that he’s wrong. I fear that there’s something wrong with me – that there’s a reason that I’m no one’s top priority. That there’s a reason that my former friend didn’t make our friendship a priority, and that I wasted too much time with her. Time that I could have spent building a more substantial relationship with someone else.
I’m tired of the empty hole in my heart.